You know when you hear a song, and you swear they're singing about you?

Well, that happened to me today...
April 26th was this vid's release date. Please watch from 8:56, where the two men, Shin Yongjae and Yoon Minsoo sing a cover of Lee Sun Hee's "fate"

This song resonated fiercely within me, because, as my loyal readers would know, I am facing the problem of leaving Canada and leaving her to teach English in Korea for a year.

As for this song, it's one thing for Yongjae and Minsoo to sing it with such passion and emotion... but when you add in a relevant and touching lyrics, I went on a feels trip with Ms. Feelsle.

(Btw, in case you're wondering, the girls are from Girl's Day.)

Some of the lyrics that resonated within me:

-"I promise you, when this all passes, and I get to see you again, I will throw away everything to spend the rest of my life by your side."

-"Our meeting was short like a drunken stupor, but the love settle in my heart. Even if our love doesn't last, I have no regrets. Nothing lasts forever."

-"You are the gift in this lonely journey of life."

-"When we meet again after a long journey, don't let me go."

Lol, I just realized these lines are like half the song already haha. Actually, I should have just copy and pasted the lyrics of this song on here, and just say I like every single line of this song.

Sigh, their performance of this song made me cry man tears, which are very distinct from general tears (different chemical composition). They should have won...

Someday, I'll show Ms. Zun this song... and she'll share the same feels as me... hopefully.

Me, 화이팅!

I found the mythical Loch Ness Monster!

Metaphorically speaking of course. I didn't actually go to Scottland and find Nessie. But I found something as legendary... let me explain.

Growing up, I have come to meet a lot of girls. And from all my interactions with them, I could safely generalize and group girls based on 3 attributes: Beauty, Intelligence, and Kindess/Maturity. I discovered that basically for girls, it was "choose 2 of the 3 qualities". I've met girls that were kind and smart, but not so pretty. I've met girls who were pretty and kind, but not so intelligent. I've met girls who were smart and pretty, but not so nice. I couldn't seem to find a girl who was all three.
And of course, at this point of my life, I am aiming big. I want everything that the world has to offer. I don't want to settle in terms of finding a girlfriend. I want someone who's smart, pretty, and kind/mature, someone who's also down to earth. My friends, I think I have finally found that someone, and if you've been reading my blog since it's conception of like a little over a week ago, which I wouldn't even know why you'd still be following me since Day 1..., you'll know who this special person is.

Annnnd of course, it's Ms. Zun. I know I seem like I'm obsessed with her, but I don't want to come across like that though. It's kind of like seeing a unicorn. Obviously, if you see a unicorn, you're not gonna keep it to yourself right? You'd be all excited, and you'll tell your friends and family, right? Well, it's sort of the same with Ms. Zun. She's practically a god damn unicorn. She's the fabled "female with a complete quality triforce". She's pretty, smart, funny, kind, mature, and interesting. Now, you must be going, "Convolutionx, it's just that you're young and you don't know anything in life. There are tonnes of girls like that out there in the world, and you just haven't met enough people to meet them yet." Well, it still can't explain how it took me like 23 years to meet someone like this. Well, I guess you can't really count the first 20 years or so. I wasn't mature enough to recognize a unicorn when I see one, and the girls were also immature as well. They were unicorns in the making, but not unicorns just yet.

Anyway, I am really thankful for meeting Ms. Zun, because until then, I knew I wanted someone special, but I had no idea what kind of person that would be like. I didn't really have a measuring stick so to speak. I dated a few (when I say a few, I actually just a very little number, and not a few as in a fair bit) girls, and I had some sort of idea of the levels where girls were at in terms of their overall personality/intelligence/looks, but I still didn't know what the cream of the crop were like. Was I already dating the cream of the crop? Was it wrong to want all three qualities? Were humans inherently imperfect, and that there's no one actually like that? Should I stop being so picky?
Nope, nope, nope, and nope.

Ladies and gentleman, we have a Ms. Zun here, and I finally found someone worth my time to seriously pursue. I don't do things for short term benefits. I don't like wasting time dating around if I know I won't be with them long term. I'm not the type for flings and fwb and all that crap. I want to find myself a nice solid prospect, and stick with em. I finally found an outlet to channel my efforts. I mean, it's a waste right? Like, I want to be the perfect boyfriend. I want to make the effort, but I always didn't have anyone for me to make the effort for. It's like drinking 4 shots of espresso and being locked up in a small white room. It'll drive ya nuts!

TL;DR = There are such creatures called females who are cute, smart, and nice. I found such a rarity. Now I'm gonna throw a Masterball at her xD

GoT: The Game of Texting

I gotta make a complaint about why we play the Game of Texting. Although you might be unfamiliar with the name I assigned to the activity, you'll know darn well what it is once I describe it.
So you get a text (or message on facebook, but I'll just refer to it as "text" as well) from a person you're interested in. How many of you will text back immediately? Probably less than 5% of you. You'd wait at least 10 minutes for some, a couple of hours for others, and even almost an entire day for still others, before you text them back. Why do we do this? I mean, it's become such a habit that it's almost instinctual to wait for a certain amount of time before texting back.

The only thing that I think of for reasons for doing so is that you want to show them you have a life of your own, and they they are playing second fiddle compared with the rest of your life. Maybe this is also your way of showing that you're not needy or clingy. Maybe you'll hope that by delaying the text, the other person would go, "Oh my. The other person didn't text me back for a long time, I wonder if he's busy?"

Which brings me to a second point, which is that a delay of texting can make the person on the other end think about you more. They would wonder why, after several days of straight texting back and forth, you'd suddenly stop texting for a day? And it will drive them crazy wondering why you didn't text back. I must admit I am guilty of that yesterday while texting with Ms. Zun. I texted her in the morning, then I didn't log on Facebook until late at night, of which I saw more of her texts, but I ignored them for the time being until today, which I then texted her in the morning. The reason for doing so is because I was playing the game as well. I am worried that if I am available to talk to her everyday after 9pm, it will become habitual for her, and she won't appreciate my time as much, and take our chats for granted. I don't want that. I want her to wonder about me, so I guess my not texting her back is my way of piquing her curiosity and interest about me. Maybe this is perverted logic, I don't know. I'm just playing by society's rules...

But then why do these "unwritten rules" suddenly disappear when you're texting your friends? If my guy friends text me, I'll text them right back. In the end, they're still my friends, and they don't think any less of me. If you're able to text your friends fine without playing the Game of Texts, then why can't you text the person you like with the same regular way?

I haven't spent enough time to contemplate this theory and to grasp all the subtleties of why we do it. I'll revisit this topic later on when I'm done my exam today.

The pressures as the eldest male in the bloodline...

I don't know how it works with white folks, but this is what happens with traditional Chinese kids. Their parents raise em up til they are like 24+. The parents pay for education, and food, and clothing, etc. Then, when the parents get older and can't work anymore, it's up to the kids to take care of the parents, as a symbol of gratitude for all the sacrifices the parents had gone through to bring the kids up.

I am the eldest son of not just my family, but my entire bloodline both on my father's side and mother's side. Even if none of my family has great expectations of me, I have great expectations for myself not to fuck up my family line and to bring disgrace to the family (LOL soooo Asian, amirite?). I know down the road, I'll have to take care of not just my parents, but the parents of my future wife as well.



And on top of taking care of 4x elderly parents, I'll also have to take care of my wife, and our kids. So that's 7 people I have to provide a comfortable life with. And I know, you're gonna say, but convolutionx, these days families have dual income, so in reality you'd only have to take care of 3.5 people, or 4 people if you include yourself. Well, as a more traditional guy, I still believe the guy should be the main bread winner of the household. Not that I'd be against my wife making more than me, but it will just make me feel I slacked off somewhere, and I should pick up the pace and out earn my wife. The reason being is because I'll love her a lot, and I don't want her to exert any more force than necessary. I kind of want to baby her in a way haha. Sexist? I just call it love and affection.


Another thing is, it's not just about how many people you're carrying on your shoulders, but it's also about the quality of life you'll provide them. I was chatting with Ms. Zun last night again, and she told me she wanted 2 kids, and wanted to put them through the whole shebang for piano. That'll be $25k per kid. And honestly, I want that for my kids too. Actually, as a side note, I'm definitely gonna marry someone like Ms. Zun, or I'll straight up say it, Ms. Zun herself, because she shares very very similar ideals as me when it comes to raising le kids. Anyways, so not only do I just have to do the bare minimum to raise the kids, but I have to provide them with an exceptional head start in life as well. And of course my wife would also have dreams and aspirations she wants to fulfill as well, so I need money to help her reach her dreams. Again, as a side note, for Ms. Zun's case, she's quite the traveler, so hypothetically speaking, if she were to be my wife, I'd have to provide the vacation money as well.

So, that's approximately 1.24 x 10^3 ST (shit tonnes) of cash I need to make. And guess what's the hilarious part? I HAVE A BIOCHEM DEGREE LOOOLLLL. It's worthless, and I can't do anything with it that will help me make $70k+! HAAAAAA. So I currently have a goal I want to obtain, but I have no road to get there. I might have to make my own road... but how? I'm looking into bioinformatics for now... but yeah, soooo much pressure to be successful so I can have a happy family so I can be happy.

You might ask me, convolutionx, life is ultimately not about money. Yes, you're right when you say life is ultimately not about money. Life is about what the money can do for you, and if you think money isn't that important, then I'd have to argue, no, you're wrong, and. I derive happiness from seeing my family happy and prosperous. What does it take for a family to be happy? Often, it takes money. Money can be exchanged for experiences that enrich the lives of my loved ones, such as piano lessons, swimming lessons, karate lessons, badminton lessons (I'm a god damn tigerdad), providing my parents with the latest in elderly comforts, providing my wife with oversea adventures in the tropics of Amazon, or in the Outbacks down south in Australia.... everything needs money, man.

Think about it like this. Let's say I have an excited, energetic 5 year who wants to play piano. If you don't have enough money and if you can't afford the $25/hr+ lessons, then you're gonna have to look him in his bright eager eyes and say, "I'm sorry son. I can barely deal with the mortgage and car insurance. I don't have enough money to help you realize your childhood curiosities and aspirations. Your life has a limit because your father fucked up and didn't end up making as much money as he wanted."

Can you live with yourself if you had to do that?

Confidence. Where does it come from?

From reading some of my posts, you may have come to the conclusion that I am a confident individual. And yes, I am a confident individual. Now, convolutionx, where did you get your confidence from, and is it warranted? Do you even have a right to be confident? Well, I'll answer that question. I believe I am confident for several reasons.

I think one big reason is because I am aware of my competency in life in general, and it's pretty high. More often than not, when I put my head down and just work, I achieve pretty great results. A big part of my confidence booster was doing the Southwestern Internship. I did this during my first 2 summers of my university life. The premise of the internship is to do door to door sales of educational books, take their orders, order the books wholesale from the company, and then deliver it to your customers. For my first summer, I made a little over $10k in one summer.

But I worked long hours during both summers though. 13.5 hour days, 6 days a week for 14 weeks was how long I worked. I did pretty well, even though I had no sales experience, so that gave me confidence that if I survived doing that, I can do anything in life well if I set my mind to it. In case you're wondering how I did for my second summer, I didn't do nearly as well, and I made an embarrassing amount. But, that second summer I can argue I learned more about myself than my first summer. I learned how to persevere in the face of failure. I learned I had what it takes to wake up after 4 days of no sales, and go out there in the rain, and knock on that first door with a big smile on my face. I learned that I didn't make excuses, and I didn't pussy out of doing the program and just go home. I learned that I can keep commitments. I committed to finish the summer, and that's exactly what I did. So that's just my Southwestern experience. I tried jewellery sales at Reid Jewellery in Metrotown with 0 gem experience, and I did pretty well. I did a co-op gig as a lab tech with no prior experience, and I ended up being a rockstar, after a period of failure though. I guess the only blemish to my achievements would be my academic record. I don't exactly have jaw dropping marks, but this last year, I managed to turn things around. Averaging 1 standard deviation about the averages for most of my classes.

Another small thing that people overlook is whenever you make a promise, you keep your word and you do it. If you're use to the fact that whatever you say is transmuted into action and reality, you'll have more confidence in your words.

A superficial reason why I'm confident is that I have a pretty nice body. I know, it's superficial, but it still makes me feel confident. Why does it give me confidence? I'm not too sure. I mean, no one is gonna see it anyway. Maybe it's because I know I have something that other people strive to get but don't have. It's like I have pocket aces up my sleeve, and I'm the only one who knows that. Here's some pics, and no, I don't even post this crap on my facebook or anywhere else. You guys have the exclusives to pics of my bod lololol. You should feel honored, all you random-ass guests who somehow arrived on this page from who knows where.

But I think the biggest reason why I am confident is because when it comes down to it, I don't care about what most people think, especially strangers. I mean, do those strangers know me as a person? Nope. Therefore, with incomplete information, their drawn up conclusions about who I am as a person will be incomplete as well and not valid. Plus, my self worth is not based on what other people think of me. It's based on what I think about myself, and I love myself. This frees me to do whatever I want with no worry, and a lack of worry about how others perceive me, in a sense, is confidence. I guess real confidence is knowing the fact that whatever you do, you know people will have a good perception of you. Maybe my confidence is less legit version, but I'm slowly getting there, to the legit version of confidence.

So just to summarize:
1. Be competent
2. Do what you say you're gonna do.
3. Have a body you can be proud of.
4. Give no shits about what others think about you. Remember, there is only 1 person who determines your self worth, and that person is you.

Should you do it? How I kill procrastination.

Have you ever had those moments when in your head, you know you need to get stuff done, but you just can't bring yourself to get started and to actually go do it? I've had those moments too. I recently found out a good way to help myself rationalize into action. Also, having something important in your life will also help motivate you to stop procrastinating.

I ask myself this one question, "If I were on my death bed, would I think back to this time, regret not doing whatever I'm pondering to do? Or, alternately, would I regret doing something, whatever it is I'm pondering not doing?"

IE: It's slightly misting outside. I promised to run (Well, lol, not really. I told Ms. Zun I'd run tmrw morning, so I guess it's sort of like a promise to her), but the weather isn't ideal, and it's cold, and I'm tired. Do I run? I ask myself, if I'm on my deathbed, I'd probably regret being a lil bitch and not run just because of some gentle misting. So, I run. Simple as that.

Also, you probably could guess what the second way for my motivation is. It's to have someone special in your life you can dedicate your effort to. For me, even though Ms. Zun doesn't know it yet, I'm going to dedicate to improving myself so she can get the best boyfriend possible, objectively speaking. That's right, I'm going to be objectively better, not subjectively, which is a tall task indeed, but if I set my mind to it, it shouldn't be impossible. So, have someone you love, or secretly like. Work hard for that person. Make it so that your worth while for them. Transmute your passion into productive energy.

I'll leave you with Chapter 11 of Think and Grow Rich. Napoleon Hill talks about how the most successful people had loved ones they dedicated their efforts to. Of course that's an oversimplification, and really, you guys should give it a read to get a better understanding. A memorable analogy was that a bull had lots of fight and energy, but if you castrated the bull, you essentially took the "maleness" from the bull, and you took away its essence to fight and strive. It becomes a docile as a bull.



I don't want to live a docile life. I want to strive and struggle to squeeze out every ounce that this life has to offer. Therefore, I'm not gonna castrate myself anytime soon, and I am thankful I have an avenue of which to dedicate my efforts for, which is, my dear Ms. Zun.

Apollo, we have liftoff!

Well guys, I did it. I asked Ms. Zun out. I think she agreed to go out with me, though she didn't specifically say that. Here is how I asked her out. Maybe you can learn something from what I did. Maybe there are also things that I could have done better, so feel free to leave a comment about what you think.

 Basically it was during one of our typical lengthy Facebook chats when I asked her out, officially. It stemmed from when Ms. Zun revealed that she put some poor guy in the friendzone for two years, and it was because he wasn't upfront about how he felt about her. So I heard that, and I was like, yo screw this shit. #Yolo

 So I picked an opportune time during the chat to ask her out. Basically, I won't get into the extent nor the entirety of what I said, but I was upfront and confident. I told her that she was pretty, smart, funny, and I haven't met anyone else whom I had such a connection with. I told her that I was dating for 2 years, and I've never found anyone who I could date for more than 2-3 times. I also straight up told her, "Here's the game plan. Well, here's MY gameplan, and you can have whatever game plan you want." I then told her I was planning to take her out on a Foodie Tour, as well as go to the UBC Alumni weekend with the special guests, Adam Savage and Jame Hyneman. Then, I said that actually, there was one girl who I was able to click so much with, and she turned out to be my girlfriend for 3 years.

To diffuse that almost cocky remark that she was going to be my girlfriend, I told her that I wasn't telling her what to do. If during the first date she decides she doesn't like me and wants to pour a beverage over my head, she's free to do that. I'd even bring her a drink menu, help her pick the best beverage, and I'll even pay for it in the end. See, I showed confidence, and I plainly told her what I expect and what I want, but I negative sold it with the part about giving her freedom to dump drinks on my head. However, I did not give the choice of not even going on a first date with me. That would be disastrous for me.

 What did she say? She said I was very blunt about it, but she prefers it WAY (yes, all caps) more than if she had to guess, because she never would be able to. She also said I was pretty special too, and veeeery (that's right, 4 e's. It's legit) few guys are like me. (I set a good impression =D). Lastly, she said she has tonnes of random cravings, and things she wants to do/watch, "but guys who can also do some planning...thank you jesus." So I guess that's a yes.

We haven't set a specific time yet though, because we both have finals, and speaking of finals, I have to get studying again, but I just want to record what happened for posterity. I'm looking forward to the first date, and I have something up my sleeve, if executed right, will propel me light years from the boundaries of the friend zone. Wanna know what it is? Stick around for my next post =P

On motivation. What motivates me?

Let's start off with a quote from Harvey Specter:


Motivation is a very personal thing. There is no absolute one thing that is guaranteed to motivate everyone. However, there are some main areas in which many people are motivated by, and I think the things that motivate me are pretty ordinary, and should be motivation for many others as well.

A recent revelation of mine is that you don't exactly know when you'll meet your future partner. You could bump into her in a grocery store tomorrow, or she could message you after coming back on a dating website after a 2 year hiatus. Maybe you'll bump into her in a Starbucks in a Chapters bookstore. And when you do bump into her, you only have one chance to make the best impression you can. After that moment passes, if you weren't ready, you'll blow your only shot, and you'll never be with whom you were initially meant to be. If you don't immediately make her interested in you as a potential candidate, then sure, you could work your way into being friends with her, but then you'll just have your work cut out for you.

Let's take a pause. What do I mean by "not being ready"? Your future partner obviously doesn't want to date a fuck up, and wants to date someone successful and have their shit together. Your future partner wants to date you when you are at your best, and if you are not at your best, then you aren't ready for your future partner. You may be able to date girls when you're at your best, but secretly deep down, you know that special girl you always longed for is the one who's pretty, and smart, and kind, and gentle. You're gonna have to be on top of your game when you meet her to even get a chance to date her.

So for me, I am motivated to be at my best, 24/7 preferably, because I will never know if out of the blue, I'll meet The One. When I meet her, I need to be in top physical shape, my mind has to be at its sharpest, and I would have to be working in a stable and at least decently paying job. I just really hope that if I meet her prematurely before I'm ready, I'll still be able to make it work; I'll still be able to be with her, and have her wait for me to get my shit together. For the mean time, I hope my efforts and dedication to make something of myself down the road will be enough to temporarily attract The One long enough for me to complete my journey, or at least to be well on the way in my journey to success.

Another motivation for me to be at my best, and to want the best, is the fact that I have one life. We all got one shot in life to make the best of what we've got. We can't restart if we mess up. So at every moment of your life, you have to always make the best decisions. And since you only have one life, then might as well go big, right? You won't have another life to live it big. You won't have another life to experience what this world has to offer. So since you're here, you really should experience as much as you can before you die. That's why I want everything. I want to experience everything this world has to offer before I die, and that takes resources, mainly money, so it's a big motivation for me to make money.

On a related note, I also want my kids and my wife to have the best experience that life has to offer, so another motivation for me to make mad money is for my future family. I want my kids to have a start in life I never had. I don't want them to grow up in an intercity area, going to an intercity high school. I want them to receive the best education this planet has to offer. I also want my wife to live a life of comfort. I am hesitant to say a life of luxury, because I don't believe in luxury. I define luxury as having in your possession expensive material goods, like $14,000 hand bags and $200k cars. One doesn't need luxury to be happy, and certainly my girl wouldn't be one of those types of girls who chase after that crap. But I would still like to treat her out to experiences. IE: Dining at the best restaurants, going to exotic places, etc.

Lastly, my parents are my final motivation. I have mentioned this in my other posts, but my parents work 14 hour days in their restaurant, and it's been 8 years of them doing so. They're dying physically for my sister and my sake, putting us through school and life in general. Their efforts must be repaid. I want to provide them with a worry free retirement. It's the least I can do after their sacrifice. Again, it would require me to make money.

I have the lives of my parents, my wife, and my kids on my shoulders. If I fail, I'll be failing everyone, so failing is not an option. I have a burning desire to win, and I can't live a life of mediocrity if I want to win at life. Sometimes I'll have days where I don't feel like doing shit. I just wanna sit back and be lazy. But I think about all the stuff I want, and my want powers me. Lately, it's thoughts of Ms. Zun that powers me through life. I really need to be at my A game in order to date someone like her, and I'm afraid while I can put on the bravado of having an A game life, I don't have an A game life. I have an A game attitude, and that's all I have. And girls may date guys with an A game attitude, but if that A game attitude doesn't translate to an A game life, then it's harder to keep them with you. And if you truly loved her, would you want her to be with you, living in a B game or C game life, when there are other guys who can provide her with an A game life, and who cares about her just as much as you? I'd be like, "Yo, that guy's richer, he can provide you with more comforts. He is also as thoughtful and loving as me. You should be with that guy instead of me, because although I love you, and I personally want to be with you, it is because I love you that I want you to have the best life possible. I believe the best life possible for you is not with me, but with that guy instead."

I don't want to have to say that line though. I want to be able to say, "Yo, I love you as much as that other guy. I'm also just as thoughtful. I also am living an A game life, while he's only living a C game life. I've got my shit in order, and I'm prepared to care for you way better than the other guy."

When to spend money. When not to spend money.

When not to spend money:

The time when I avoid spending money is when I spend it on myself for myself with no clear benefit. I'm a simple guy and I don't need much, and I am quite fine not bothering to spend money to have a good meal for myself, or to buy a PS4 for myself so I can play Final Fantasy XV, or buy a 27" 4k computer monitor for the added resolution and desktop real estate area. In other words, I don't need leisure, and I don't want to spend money on leisure.

If I didn't have to worry about impressing anyone, I'd probably not even bother with brand name clothes and accessories.

When to spend money:

When I was younger, my mom would always say it was a waste of money when our family went out to eat. And for a time, I believed in the same thing. But then I had an epiphany. What's the purpose of saving up money, when at the end of everything, you don't spend much of it before you die? What's the point of having a shit tonne of cash in the bank, but not having experienced what life has to offer?

I'm seeing my parents die slowly each day before my eyes. They need to enjoy life. We went to eat at Cattle Cafe today. The bill was $45 after tips, and between the four of us (my sister too), it wasn't bad at all. What we get out of the $45 was a meal, but more importantly, we get family time. Since my parents are always in the restaurant, they are never home, and we rarely spend quality time. So to me, the value of the quality time we spent greatly exceeds $45, and thus in my eyes, it's worth it.

My dad wants to go to France for a week and a half this summer. My mom thinks it's a waste of money, and the old me would think so too, but then now I realize, my dad can still walk, and has relatively low health problems. If he doesn't go now, when will he be able to go? He's only going to deteriorate further, and maybe one day in the future, he might not be able to go. I told my mom she should go too, but she said her heel spur makes it too painful for her to walk around a lot, which is what tourists do. So sadly, for my mother, it's already too late for her to go to France. I'll try and convince her again to go though. But as for my dad, I'm all for him going to France. Spend the money he worked hard for, and enjoy life while he still can.

For health reasons, I'd spend money. It's an investment, in my eyes. I'll spend money on exercise equipment, like shorts, badminton racquets (though I still have to buy a new one; my old one = 9 years old), court shoes, gym drop in fees, swimming trunks, etc etc. The return I'll get is a health body, and I'll get to live longer. Definitely worth the money.

Social reasons, I'd spend money. The truth is, to build and maintain your social network, money is involved to participate in activities and events that cause social bonding. In other words, this is the fun stuff that people do regularly for leisure. Since I don't need leisure (yet), I wouldn't do these things myself, but I'd do it if my friends were doing it. This includes going out to eat, watching movies, going to E-Spot in Richmond, etc.

For relationship reasons, I'll spend all the money in the world. I will value my eventual wonderful partner higher than anything else. So, that means I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy, and that often means spending whatever it takes as well. One cannot divorce entirely activities from money. A part of this budget would be to improve my self image, not for my own sake, but for the sake of my partner. Before I find such a person, I would need to attract them first, and I'll spend a fair chunk to stock my armory with arsenal I can use to hunt down the truly special girls. This includes all the standard gear like clothing, jackets, and shoes. Also includes accessories like a ring and a watch. I even bought a $98 bottle of YSL La Nuit de l'Homme fragrance, just to make sure I have everything covered. I mean, if you can use aroma to your advantage when making an impression on a lady, then why not use it right? I'm no Taeyang or Godfrey Gao, I need all the help I can get. Btw, I love how La Nuit smells. I want to use it as a air freshener and just spray my entire room with it.

                                                    Godfrey Gao. Damn he's hot.

Since I have a limited amount of money, I need to make sure to allocate it the best I can, so I often think about what is worth my money, and what isn't.

PS: I just finished watching the trailer for Final Fantasy VX. And all I gotta say is ERHMAGERD. I might have to retract my statement about not getting a PS4 lolololol.

It's not you, it's me.

Well, logged in another hour or two of chatting with Ms. Zun yesterday. She revealed that she had the densest French Toast ever, and she was trying to book a $55 hair cut from some salon. I was silently just shaking my head, and thinking to myself, we're from two completely different worlds. There's no way I could live her lifestyle. I get $15 haircuts, and I rarely go out to eat. But then I told her I bought a whole stack of flash cards:

And she said I was "sai qeen" cuz I didn't bought on sale. My heart leaped for joy haha. She knows the concept of sai qeen, which is good.

 It was still bothering me, this rift between us regarding spending, so I asked one of my closest friends, Zizi. I asked her to rate me 1 - 10 for being cheap, and rate herself. She rated me 1, and rated herself 7-8. She told me her haircuts were also in the $50 range, and she spent $60 on food that day. The thing is, I don't even feel like Zizi is on another socioeconomic plane, but Zizi spends the same as (I think) Ms. Zun, so logically speaking, I shouldn't be thinking that Ms. Zun is above me, socioeconomically. Or maybe I should start thinking that Zizi is socioeconomically above me. Either or. But either way, I'm still the one who is too cheap, and I've been unfairly almost persecuting Ms. Zun for her spending. I began to realize maybe normal people spend like that, and it's just me who's cheap as fuck. Why am I so cheap? I've never fully dissected why I am before. I think the first thing is that I see my parents work so hard for money. They own a restaurant called Dragon Fried Rice House, and have been working there for...8-9 years now. Holy crap, it's been a while. They work 14 hour days, and at first they worked 6 days a week. Now they're working 4 days a week because their health is on the decline. All the money they bring back home is traded with their health. It's blood money, with the blood of my parents on it. Every dollar I spend, I equate it with the pain they went through to get the money. Maybe that's a reason why I'm so stingy with the money. Sometimes I get... jealous? I see other parents take it easy, coming back from a 9-5 job, watching TVB, laughing. They haven't gone through what my parents have gone through, and yet they are able to derive more pleasure in life than my parents currently. I don't think it's fair. Well, I'm not saying that those parents watching TVB haven't worked hard. I'm sure if they're rich, they have put in effort to get there, but their effort is channeled intellectually, and not through physical exertion, like running a restaurant. They haven't had the physical pains of working hard for such a long period of time. My mother has grown heel spurs from walking around so much, and she can't even travel anymore because of the walking. It is for their future pleasure that I vow to myself to make a shit tonne of cash. I'll let them enjoy the things they were never able to enjoy before because they were too busy working to put me through life.

 Another reason why I'm so stingy is because I don't currently have a secure source of income. I don't know when I will have a secure source of big income, so I'm currently saving up a lump sum for whatever the future holds in store for me. So far, I have $20k saved up in my TFSA, invested in indices, and I am not going to ever touch it or withdraw from it for money. I have a 1 year gig in Korea lined up, going to be making $22 an hour, but I'd only work 3 hours a day, so overall, not big money either. Then after that, I'd probably do a Masters, which will provide very little income, if any. And only after that will I be entering a full time position somewhere, with a minimal starting wage. It looks like I'll be making shit cash for years to come. Maybe I should be like Ms. Zun and have some piano kids for my own. She charges $40/hr, which is a pretty decent wage. I gotta say I respect her for her enterprise. I respect people who create their own opportunities.

Ah, I'm going off on a tangent again. I can't seem to focus on solely why I'm a cheapo. Maybe it's also because I currently don't have a job, and I should be looking for one. If I have a regular source of income, then I probably be willing to spend, because I know I'll get some more down the road. When will I stop being stingy? Well, if I actually manage to date Ms. Zun, I'm gonna be pretty much #Yolo with my money. But I'll #yolo in a smart way though. Still not gonna spend $1.8k on a god damn Gucci purse. I'll never do that, and I don't think Ms. Zun is that type of girl anyway. I guess I gotta ask her.

I'll also be willing to spend more if I make more. So I need to get a decent job, and guess what I've been worrying about for the past ever? Getting a good job! I can always feel the pressure, the pressure of me failing to get a good job and unable to achieve my dream. Failing to have a great family, to marry the perfect girl, to provide my kids with everything they need to excel in life, to provide my parents, and my wife's parents, of a wonderful retirement. #cruiseship everyday for them. I can't fail. I only have one life. If I fail, I can't even restart like people do in video games. I swear to god, I'm gonna get stomach cancer or some shit from all this worry >.> And then it wouldn't even matter if I make money or not. I guess it'll relieve the pressure though, but then I'll be faced with just a small problem called dying. No big deal. So what's the TL;DR version of this whole blurb? Ms. Zun and Zizi do not spend too much, I just spend too little, and my expectations of expenditure is not realistic. It's way too low, and I shouldn't hold people up to my fucked up standards of spending. Ms. Zun, I'm sorry. Zizi, thank you. Ms. Zun, thank you as well for giving me the drive to fight against my probable shitty future. I'll do another whole article on why you're important. But for now, thank you.

Dating down the wealth ladder

Dating down the wealth ladder is a much more difficult issue for guys vs girls, but the same problem that faces rich guys also faces rich girls, to a lesser extent.

The major problem for dating when there is a significant amount of wealth involved is that the wealth introduces a new motive for pursuers of the rich to date the rich, and it's obviously dating/marrying for the money. A rich person, if they were smart, would always have that worry at the back of their minds: "Is this person dating me because they love me, or because they love my money?" It makes choosing potential mates very tricky, because sometimes people are very hard to read, and you may not find out their true motives until it's too late.

I've heard stories of people undergoing brutal, life shattering divorces. It's usually the wife who married into the rich husband's family. The wife marries the guy, has a kid or two, and divorces the guy a couple of years later, and takes half his fortune. The worst part, is that for some of these cases, the woman also takes away the kids as well. A prime example would be what happened to Jordan Belfort in Wolf on Wallstreet. I can't remember if Jordan had half his fortune ripped away from him, but he certainly lost custody of his kid. Maybe his cocaine addiction had something to do with the loss of custody, but others may lose custody of their kids regardless if they had done anything wrong to being with. It could simply be a matter of the father working 14 hours a day, providing for the family, only to have the judge rule the father unfit to care for the children do to his excessive work hours, which of course, the father puts in for the sake of the family. I had a coworker tell me of his friend, who was uber rich in Vietnam. Owned 3 houses, and I think he was a doctor, or some other respectable profession. This person not only had a bad divorce once, but twice. In the end, he was forced to live in a garage, and work as a mechanic. I don't know why he couldn't keep his old job though. Maybe the story was embellished, but it still serves to make a point on how rich people have to be careful of the gold diggers.

For us not so wealthy folks, we don't have as much worry as the rich. I mean, even if it goes to divorce and everything gets split, what's the worst that can happen? I lose my $400k house? It sucks, for sure, but it won't exactly end you, like losing a couple of million dollars. Since gold diggers set their sights on people of far greater wealth than you or I, we should be safe from most of the cutthroat gold diggers.

So all this was geared towards the rich guy. The rich girl... I don't think I have enough experience to talk about them. They are a mysterious breed to me. I would think as a guy, we'd be too proud to be gold diggers and marry for the money. But then again, there is an entire spectrum of doucheness in their world, and I don't doubt there are guys just itching to divorce their rich wives for the money. Heck, there are probably guys out there who married 80+ year old women for the money, and just waiting for them to die.

All in all, I'm sort of glad that most of my relationships are going to be lateral across the wealth ladder, or up. It's pretty hard to date down the ladder when you're already near the bottom of the rung. Also, the thing with being at the bottom of the rung is, there is nowhere to go but up.

The date

So I had a meetup/date with Ms. Y. It went really well, I think. She was very pretty for sure, but I wasn't nervous at all. I owned the date like I own interviews. I think she was more nervous than me at first for some reason haha. Maybe it was because I was in my favourite Calvin Klein blue dress shirt. I did look pretty spiffy, if I must say so myself. I gotta. No amount of money can buy another first impression, so I gotta do it right the first time. I also had two shots of YSL La Nuit de l'Homme fragrance as well. Two shots is pretty conservative, because the general consensus is 3-4 shots would be good, but I didn't want to make the smell obvious. I wanted to have it so that she smells it infrequently. I think the infrequent reminders of my fragrance would work better than a constant reminder by smelling it all the time, and her brain will automatically tune out the smell after a while.

Ate sushi at Sushi Oyama on Kingsway. Ms. Y was one of those girls who didn't eat much. Took at all the rice from her sushi lol. I joked that she could have made another roll with all that rice. We had a good talk about school and Chinese names and other subject matter that escapes me. I footed the bill of $50, and then we went to some cafe near Royal Oak. There, she paid for tea and cake, and we also chatted for a while until the cafe closed. I got the impression that she wasn't a typical pretty girl. Focused on getting into shape, doesn't mind sweating to get the killer abs. Her view of marriage is akin to a life sentence, where one loses one's freedom. That view is fundamentally different than mine, where I see a marriage can enhance myself. Napoleon Hill explains it nicely in Chapter 11 of his book, Think and Grow Rich.

She seems very independent, with a "please myself before pleasing others" attitude, which I find is fine. I mean, ultimately, it's your own life, not someone else's, so you should come first before everyone else. Of course, there are going to be exceptions, like when one raises a family, one would place the family's needs above their own. But one can also argue that the reason why one would make sacrifices for the good of the family is because one is trying to fulfill one's desire to have a great family.

Anyway, so the cafe closed up. We walked out, and she was going to walk away, but I went in for the hug. I was like, "Wait a minute, don't people usually hug at this stage of the night?" And she replied with a laugh ,"Yeah, I guess so." Then I went in for the hug while stating it was standard protocol lol. I was lightening up the mood to make it not awkward, which it wasn't. It was a solid 2 second hug, and the only thing going through my mind at the time was, "Yessss, smell my expensive-ass fragrance that I sprayed on. Smell all 12 cents worth of fragrance on me." I'm pretty sure she got a good whiff. Hope she liked it lol.

Would I date her again? I don't know. She had her fob moments. Hard for me to understand her sometimes. She also made it clear she's not really actively seeking a partner, and she'll let whatever comes, come. Of course, I introduced her the idea that one should look for nothing less than an extraordinary partner, and just like having any other goal, the goal to get an awesome partner needs work and effort to obtain. Hopefully she'll think about it. If I don't factor in how she feels about dating, and just strictly on how I feel about her, I think I would date her again. She seemed intelligent, independent, mature, nice, and oh yeah, did I mention pretty yet?

However, once I factor in her thoughts and feelings on dating, boyfriends, and marriage, I think it would be much harder for me to snatch her up from the market, so to speak. Plus, I only have 3 months left before I jet to Korea. Although it would probably be a waste of time for me to date her for the sake of getting her as a partner, I think she'll make a good friend, so I'll continue hanging out with her for friend purposes.

Dating up the wealth ladder as a guy.

You see a girl you want to date, and she comes from a higher socioeconomic background than you. What to do?
Well, first thing is first, she is not going to be impressed with whatever you're going to buy for her. She has money, she can buy whatever the heck she wants. I think girls like that want stuff money can't buy, so you have to provide something for her that money can't buy, namely, a super boyfriend. No matter how much money she has, she can not go out and instantly purchase a boyfriend of superior quality. How her money serves her is to allow her to prospect from the pool of guys equal or greater than her socioeconomic status, aka other rich guys.

There are three types of rich guys. Guys who got rich on their own, and guys who are rich because their parents are rich, and do nothing to grow that existing wealth, and finally, guys who multiplied their parents fortune, surpassing the wealth accumulated by the parents. We can disregard the 2nd type of guy, because they are nothing but average Joes who were lucky enough to be born into a rich family. Types 1 and 3 are the main competition for the guy of lower socioeconomic status.

So, these guys are rich, and they have what it takes to stay rich. That reflects on their work ethic and intelligence. These guys are smart, and are willing to sweat. So work ethics wise, they're gold. What wealth can't buy for them is a great personality, and a caring heart. Not to say that there aren't rich guys out there who are also caring and are people magnets. I'm just saying that there are some rich folks who aren't such great people to be around with, one way or another.

So what does this little aside about rich guys mean for the not so rich guys? It means we can't compete with money, we can't compete with work ethic, and thus the only avenue for us to compete with them is through our inner beauty. We have to win the richer girls with our boundless love and care, and we also have to have great chemistry with the girls too. Money can't buy chemistry.

Where does this leave me? Well, I would have to work on being more thoughtful I guess. Now, I always have the girl's best interest at heart. What I consider myself lacking would be... "micromanagement" of care and thoughtfulness? Like, obviously for the big stuff it's easy. She got hurt in a car accident. Drop your shit, buy some flowers and gifts, spend time with her, comfort her, offer her silent confidence and assurance that everything is fine. She'll be calmer when she sees your inner strength and calmness.

What's not so easy is dealing with all the small daily idiosyncrasies of the partner. It's hard to notice the micro fluctuations of emotions and feelings that goes on throughout the day, and sometimes you want to nip problems in the bud before they develop into something bigger, but for me, sometimes it can be hard to notice the very VERY initial stages of a problem. So I guess what I need to work on is to notice the small details so I can preempt her needs and wishes, and take "caring" to the next level.

So that's what I myself have to work on to get the richer girls. I'm going to provide them with a boyfriend product that is rare in the market. For you guys, you'll have to work on your own issues. It all comes down to making the decision to become the better man, and to improve yourself daily. We poorer guys are inherently at a disadvantage due to the fact that we can't match the girl in terms of money, so we have to step up our game for everything else to make up for the fact that, no, we unfortunately can't join them on their 4 month Euro-trip with friends because of the $16k bill at the end of the trip, or no, we unfortunately can't dine at a 2 star Michelin rated restaurant every single weekend.

On socioeconomic status and dating

Well, this is my first post (more like endless droning/ranting), so it'll take a few posts before I refine my format for my blog. I'm just going to speak my mind. This post, and all my other posts, are not essays. They won't have structure. They will just be basically me throwing up my inner thoughts all over the internet in the form of text.

I met a girl on POF. Her name is Ms. Zun, and she's pretty much what I'm looking for for the past two years. She shares my humor, we like the same stuff, she's Cantonese like me, she's smart, I think she's hard working, and she's pretty. Very damn pretty. So what's wrong, you may ask?

Well, she's rich. Internet, you don't know me, so I'll explain. I'm not rich. My parent's aren't rich. Time out, I have to define rich. By rich, I mean wealthy from the perspective of first world countries like Canada. My parents own a restaurant and they are trading away their life for money. They aren't making money with their minds, they are making money with physical labour. I am grateful for everything they are doing, and I know I can't blame them for trying their best. But objectively speaking, even with their efforts, we are not considered rich by any standards. We live in a small townhouse in Surrey. $220k I think. We have 2 Volkswagens, and a beat up Mercedes (1991 E300). Socioeconomically, we're lower class. Again, I am thankful I have a roof over my head, and that I have a car to travel in, but I am comparing myself to people in Vancouver and Richmond, who live in $600k -$1 mil houses, drive $40k+ cars, and have brand name material goods. Those people have no hesitation most of the time in spending money. It is of no concern for them. I have the mindset of a socioeconomically lower class person. I ALWAYS think about the money. The reason is because I don't have a lot, and I have to make every dollar count. I guess that's what it comes down to. I have to worry about money, and therefore I consider myself lower class, financially speaking of course. Others don't have to worry about money, and I could consider them upper class, financially speaking.

Anyway, Ms. Zun lives near Oakridge in Vancouver. It's a pretty damn rich area, and from her photo with her dog, I can see she has a backstreet, and she lives in a single detached house. Those houses are most likely $700k-$900k. So, she's rich. And she probably has lived a rich lifestyle, where she didn't really have to worry about the money. If I get into a relationship with her, that means she'll transfer that lifestyle to the relationship.

I want to be able to provide for her. Hell, I wanna be able to provide for my future family, and make sure they don't go through what I went through, of basing every single decision on money. They won't be spoiled though, I will make sure of that. So this Ms. Zun, how will I date her?

I understand I'm still a student currently, and I'm not suppose to be balling yet, but I have a biochem degree, and there is no future for me with that degree alone. All I can be is a lab tech, making absolute garbage money ($25k-$30k starting). It's fucking laughable. I can't even take care of myself with that kind of income, how the fuck am I suppose to have a family and provide for them. How am I suppose to date a girl who comes from a rich family with that kind of income?

Oh yeah, I don't know if she's rich or not for sure, I haven't dated her yet, but I will date her, and I will eventually know, and more likely than not, I'll be right. I do a lot of speculating, but I trust in my speculations because I'm pretty logical.

I am having a midlife crisis. It's not even midlife. I'm 23. It's a quarterlife crisis (fifth life if I'm lucky). HOW CAN I MAKE THE MONEYS SO I CAN RAISE A GREAT FAMILY AND MARRY A GREAT WOMAN?!

Bioinformatics?

I looked into it, but I don't have the programming pre-reqs. I can learn them on my own though. I would probably have to apply for a Masters Degree, but I don't know if I have 3 strong references. I got Carla, History Prof from UBC, Stephen, my supervisor from ABM, and maybe a Korean Teacher from Korea. I haven't done my best to network =/. Speaking of networking, my circle of friends is SHIT, and I gotta make more friends who's pragmatic and cynical like me =D But that's another story for another time.

But, convolutionx, you say. You don't need money to have a great life and raise a great family. I would challenge your thoughts on that. I want my family to have a shit tonne of options. I want them to experience everything life has to offer. I want them to follow their dreams. Money is the medium that allows me to provide these experiences for my family. Money is the means, not the end, because the end is an enriched life. You say I'm too money focused. I'm actually focused on life itself. That's my own perspective on my own perspective lol.

So what's the plan? Well, I'm pretty damn awesome. I have an iron will. My moral compass is dead set on the right thing, for my family, that is. I'd probably be willing to do immoral things if it benefits my loved ones. I have determination, and I have drive. Money aside, I'm pretty sure I'll make a great boyfriend or whatever for this Ms. Zun. Lol it just occurred to me Ms. Zun could google convolutionx and find this post. But I don't think she will. Even if she does... and she reads everything, I don't think she'll mind too much for being honest online. I didn't reveal her last name; she's totally safe. And I don't think I made myself to seem like a horrid monster. I am just a cynic who loves his family.

Oh yeah, also met this other super pretty girl named Ms. Y. Sooooooo pretty. Made my heart a flutter. I'm suppose to go on a date with her on Thursday, but I didn't really connect with her via chat, so I'm probably just gonna cancel the date on her. I prefer this Ms. Zun lady way more.

See, Ms. Zun, if you're reading this, I'm for cereal =P

I'm gonna ask Ms. Zun out over the weekend after her exam on Friday. Gonna be raining, so I have to think of some fun activities that are indoor. Definitely gonna go out for dinner though, and I'm going to try and prepay for the meal, just to be fancy. Prob gonna be sushi, because who doesn't love sushi.

I'm suppose to be studying biochem right now, but I've studied a lot already, and I think I deserve some time to type out my conscience so I can remain sane. Anything else on my mind? Not really, I think I got rid of everything. It feels damn good! Internet, you should try this. Very therapeutic.

I might do another post if I think of anything else. Gonna try and get a new theme for this blog site to make it cool, and I'll add some music as well.

All in all, I'm going to get rich, I'm going to marry a great wife, and have a great family. This will happen, because I say it will happen, and what I say, I will make into reality. This I swear to all the gods. Oh yeah, gotta make a post on religion.

TTYL internets.

EDIT: I'll give Ms. Y the benefit of the doubt and I'll invest my time and money into a date. At the worst, I hone my small talk/dating skills. At best, I'll discover that Ms. Y is a nice person and worth pursuing. Also, Turns out Ms. Zun has a laptop and a netbook... I dunno. #exorbitant? I can't judge, but it's just one more piece of evidence for my theory on her socioeconomic status.

The Big Debut

I'm starting this blog to help me sort out my life. I guess this is my diary of sorts. It helps if I take a step back, and objectively put my life on paper so I can analyze it. I take comfort that on the internet; I am only one of one billion users. Since I am pretty sure I'm not a terrorist, I should be safe from the NSA, and pretty much this blog will go unnoticed by the world. At the same time, this blog is on public domain, and if someone does stumble upon this blog, then they are more than welcomed to take a glimpse into my life. I have nothing to hide. And maybe they can offer me valuable input about my problems and whatnot. I think I'll also share my view on various issues on life as well, and maybe my articles will help some random person who stumbles across my blog with stuff in their life.