Temporarily moving my blog elsewhere!

Well, I'm in Korea right now, and I'm currently doing an orientation to learn how to teach English to Korean kids. Since I'll be in Korea for one year, I decided to start another blog just dedicated to my Korean life. I will not be updating this one for the year. Click here for the new blog about my Korean Life! 

Interesting change of mindset/point of view

Had a heart to heart with a friend today over ramen. One of the topics we went over was that my friend was quite satisfied with being single, because she has freedom to do whatever she wants with nothing to hold her back.

Hearing that, I then reflected on my life thus far, and what she said was true. When I was with my ex, I didn't rly have a social life other than with her, which wasn't a very healthy relationship now that I think about it. But now that I'm single, I've been doing fun stuff everyday...
EX: This week so far...
Sunday = boardgame / Dark Table
Monday = badminton / ramen
Tuesday = picnic / outdoor movies
Wednesday = hiking / boardgames
Thursday = dancing kpop / badminton / ramen
Friday = dinner / nightmarket
Saturday = lunch with friend.

I'd never have this kind of life if I was still with my ex.

And another thing is that during badminton today, a friend of mine had to leave early to pick up his gf, even though he still wanted to play more. Thus proving my friend's point.

But the thing is, I can't be single forever. So when do I start not being single anymore?

Dat's the million dollar question.

But I guess I can be single for now...

And enjoy it.

I think?

Need's further consideration and processing lol.

Am I stressed?

Careers. Why you should not have them.

What is a career? It's a series of jobs where you can advance up and take more responsibilities and get pay raises to reflect the increase in responsibility. You advance up by accumulating experience.

What's a job? It's just a duty you perform to get money. There is no chance for you to move onto a higher paying position.

This is what I define a "job" and a "career". So out of these two descriptions, obviously the career is the better choice, right? Yes, if I had to choose between the two, I'd choose to get a career over a job.

In fact, many people pursue a stable career as the end game plan for their life. I think this is the wrong move. At the end of the day, most people don't have a career cuz they like it. They have a career because it gives them money in order to pay their expenditures and to allow them to live a life they want to live. The career gives people more freedom to do the things they want.

So in essence, a career is where a person sacrifices about 25% of their life (40 hours a week of work per 168 hour week) in order to make money so they can have a happier time during the rest of their life, which is about 43% (168 hours - 40 hours work - 56 hours sleep). Now, some people might argue that some people like what they do at work. They find meaning in their jobs. Good for them. I'm sure some people have a great sense of purpose at their job. But for the vast majority of people, if you tell them they've won $10 million from the lottery, they'll quit their job in a heartbeat and live the life they want, free from the burden of having to make the money.

A career/job, in my eyes, is a method to ensure that you provide services to the community, and in return, you get to take services from the community (in the form of money). That's fair. I'm rambling now.

What I wanted to say was aim to not work and still be able to live the life you want. Aim for passive income. That should be the ultimate goal in life. But you might think it's not fair. You are not contributing to society, but you still take resources form society. It's all philosophical at that point, because you can argue the value you added to the world is so great that you continue to reap the benefits of your value over a very long period of time.

But just think about it like this. You've got a newborn baby. Would you rather go work 40 hours a week to provide resources to raise that kid up right, and to be only able to see him, realistically speaking, for an hour or two a day during weekdays (cuz you know, you gotta eat n shower and take care of yourself too, not to mention you gotta take care of your significant other). Or, would you rather just have the money, and have the entire day with your newborn and partner? 

The choice is clear here, at least for me anyway. And of course you won't want to spend 24/7 with the kid, so you could argue you could work during that time. But I'd then argue that there's an opportunity cost for working. The time you put into working, you could put into other stuff more valuable for yourself and your family. You could read up books on how to become a better parent, or a better husband or wife. You could exercise to make sure you live longer. You could take your husband or wife out for a date. Lot's of stuff you could do that would be better than working.

I dunno, maybe I'm selfish in that I think about my family first before society. But isn't that how we're programmed subconsciously? We want to be able to provide for our families, first and foremost right?

I'm rambling again now. TL;DR = Don't get a job. Get passive income. For the sake of yourself, your friends, and your family. 

Semi Shutdown of Blog

It has come to my attention that normal people don't post their inner feelings for the world to see. And normally I'd be like, yo I don't care what you think, I'm doing this because it helps me feel better. But the request came from close friends, not strangers on the internet, so for their sake I will move my diary offline onto Microsoft Note, which, btw, is a fricking great app for jotting down ideas and taking notes. I should have used it for all my years of uni, not just the last year. And I wouldn't have to use aliases anymore, I'll use the full blown first name, and I don't run a chance of messing up. I actually have an apology message to pre-type while stuff is still fresh in my head... well, relatively fresh; 1:24, tired.

Anywho, I'll probably release everything I typed to the public as my autobiography when I'm 90 years old or something. I think at that point it's safe.

I'll still write on here from time to time for items that's not about people I know. Like kpop or finance stuff.

Motivation to make money, a real one this time.

My dad showed me an article stating that cooks get three times the chance of getting lung cancer. I'm gonna say if my dad gets lung cancer, it'll appear in at least a decade more. So in one decade, I will have to save up enough money to prepare for the possibility of needing a lung transplant. If my dad dies of lung cancer because I didn't have enough money to pay for a private hospital to perform a lung transplant, then I'll have failed in life.

Money's not important? Shut your mouth. Money is gonna save my dad.

Simple yet super important financial question that 95% of people get it wrong (including me).

I thought I was pretty smart with numbers and money, but apparently after my chat with my good friend from San Fran, I was wrong.

Here are two scenarios, and you pick one that you think has the highest return over 50 years:

A) You have a sum of money invested in something that gets you an 8% return per year. It is your own money, so you didn't borrow it, and you don't have to pay interest on it. You invested an initial sum of $100k.

B) You don't have a single penny under your name cuz you're broke as fuuuhhh. Every single penny you borrow, you have to pay 3% interest on it per year. You borrowed $100k with an interest rate of 3% per year. You invest the $100k in something that grabs you 9% return instead of 8%.

Which choice, out of choice A or B, would give you the highest return over 50 years?

Surprisingly, it's choice B that would net your more money over the long run.

Choice A nets you 4.70 mil.
Choice B gets you 7.35 mil from the investments, and -1.15 mil from the built up interest, so the net return would be 6.29 mil.

Choice B makes you 1.60 mil richer.

Don't believe me? Do the math yourself on excel.

So I guess the principle behind this is to borrow as much as you can for a rate as low as you can, and then invest it in something that has a high enough return to offset the amount you pay for interest. It's like effin' magic.

There is this other thing called the Smith Maneuver  that operates like this.

Here is a YouTube vid that explains it.

Example of Smith Maneuver:

I buy a house. House is worth $1 mil. I get a mortgage from the bank to pay for the house. Let's say I was able to borrow $750k at today's mortgage rate of 4.3% over 10 years. Initially,  I'll have no more room to borrow more money from the bank, cuz the bank is like, "Yo dude, we gave you $750k cuz we can take your house if you don't pay back, and you haven't paid us back a single penny."

So I'm like, "Yo bank okay, here's some money.", and I pay the bank back slowly, following the amortization schedule set out in the contract. So let's say I paid back the bank $2k. I say to the bank, "Yo bank, I paid you back $2k. Can I borrow that $2k again?"

The bank would be like, "Well, we're only suppose to loan you $750k because you put your house as collateral. You paid us back $2k, so now you owe us $748k instead of $750k. We have room to loan you $2k, and it will put you back to where you were before you paid us, which was $750k. Sure convolutionx, we'll loan you the $2k you just gave us."

So now they gave me $2k. My mortgage shrank because I paid $2k, but my overall debt did not shrink because I borrow $2k again. What I do with the $2k now is to invest the money somewhere. Let's say I just invest it in index funds, which historically gave me a return of 8% per year. With the practice you did above with choice A and B, you should know what will happen over time.

It all boils down to transforming your "Bad Debt", which is debt that gets you nothing but interest payable, into "Good Debt", which is debt that makes you money, and gets you interest receivable.

Father's Day: You owe it to your dad to watch this one song performace.

I love the show Immortal Songs 2 because it has some great meaningful songs in the show, and today the show had another very emotional and touching song for me, and this time it has nothing to do with girls. It has something to do with my dad, and I'd like to share it with you all.

Please watch from 53:13, and please watch JinHo's introduction to his song.
It was a very emotional performance, and it really hit me when JinHo sang,

 "Your blooming days were sacrificed, and turned into fertilizer to nurture my days."

It's 100% true. My dad (and my mom) worked in a restaurant for 9 years now, and they work hella long hours, sometimes up to 14 hours a day. They started off working 6 days a week, and now they're down to 4 days a week because of their health. They are literally slowing dying and turning into fertilizer just so my sister and I can have a better life. I am always grateful for this aspect of their sacrifice, and I'll do everything in my power to repay them.

Sidenote, I think my dad is pretty damn successful. He came to this country with literally $500 CAD in his pocket, and now he has 2 kids, one of which has graduated university, is going to Korea to teach English, and has the option to work on his blog, or to play music on a $30k grand piano, and also has a car to drive around and do fun stuff with his friends. The other one is also well on her way to success, having made it into the pharmacy program, and having a great work ethic as well. Good for you dad, good for you.

Dim Sum with a great friend

My friend thought I was gonna leave for Korea at the end of June, so he flew all the way from San Francisco to say goodbye. It turns out that he was misinformed, but I appreciate the sentiments all the same. We had a dim sum brekkie at a local seafood restaurant called Neptune Seafood Restaurant. Their food items were all of great quality, so it follows that the price for the food is a little steeper compared to other dim sum places.

I like talking with this friend because we think at the same level, though we don't exactly place all our values at the same places, but for the large part, I think our values align. The topics discussed, I would be hard pressed to find another friend to talk about the same topics as in depth. He paid for the meal. Part of me, the part I'm trying to destroy, felt glad, because it was $52 bucks and it was split just the two of us. Part of me felt guilty as hell because this dude flew in just to see me, AND he's paying for the meal? What kind of man am I? Siggghhhhhhhh. Whatever, I vow today that when I become baller, I'll fly with this friend to NYC and treat him to a meal at Jean Georges.

Hanging out with him really makes me strive to make a road for myself and become financially successful. If he can do it, then I can do it too. I'm not saying he's incompetent, and that if he can do it, it must mean I can do it because I'm better than him. Noooo. I'm just saying that I will work hard to join his echelon or die trying, and it'll be easier for me because I have someone who's actually there whom I can talk to and ask for advice to help me get to where he is as well.

Someday I'll get rid of this tunnel vision, but that day is not today, nor is it anytime soon. I have that dude who forked $470 to thank. I have my faggot spoiled ex friend who didn't work but spent his dad's money on frivolous stuff to thank. I have Ms. Zun to thank. I have all the news stories about affluenza to thank. I have my vow to my future family to thank. It will make me stronger.

Random thoughts on Shrimp and Life

I was at my parent's restaurant today, and I was deveining shrimp at one point. To devein a shrimp is not actually removing the vein, but it's the intestines of the shrimp that you're actually removing, and the black stuff in it is sand/dirt/algae. Whether one needs to devein shrimp or not in the first place is a whole other topic for another time.

As I was deveining, I noticed that some shrimps had a crap load of crap in their intestines, and the intestines would be bloated and black. Other shrimps had nothing in their intestines, and I could barely see the intestines because it was clear, with bits of black sporadically along the intestine. I started to notice a trend where the bigger shrimps usually had more stuff in their intestines compared to the smaller shrimp. This got me thinking, "Why?" Why would some shrimp get so big and have so much to eat, while other shrimps stay puny and barely have anything to eat?

Maybe because it's just set up that way. Maybe since some of the shrimp got a tiny head start, that head start allowed them to become slightly better in finding food than other shrimps, and that slight edge compounding over time led to the eventual gargantuan size of some of these mofos compared to its kin. And the same goes for the weaker punier shrimps. Since they were a little crappier in terms of finding food in the beginning of their life, they slowly lagged behind their kin, and eventually grew up to be the pitiful sorry little puny shrimps they are now.

This situation seems familiar. Life is like this in general I think. Let's say I'm a guy who came from a wealthy family. In my disposal I'd already have $100k to invest, and I'm 23. Let's say return on investment was 5% a year. In 50 years I'd have $1.1 mil. If I had the same returns but if I started out with $20k, like what I actually have in the bank right now, I'd only have $218k in 50 years. That's a 5 times difference. But you know what? If I was the rich dude with the $100k starting, I'd have enough money for a nice down payment on a house by year... well, by year 1, actually, because $100k is enough to nab you a $500k home, which you can then rent out the bottom, or the entire thing if you are so inclined. Doing so would put your return on investment way past 5% a year. And if the dude can start off with... let's say 10% a year on investments with a $100k initial sum vs my 5% a year with a $20k initial sum, can you see why the rich get richer, while the poor get poorer? ($10.6 mil vs $218k... which is like 50 times difference...)

Wow, what is this self pitying crap. Is it self pitying? No, I don't think so. I don't pity myself. I'm just angry that I am denied the opportunity that others have but squander. I'm talking about all those rich Chinese immigrant fuckers who smoke all day and drive their Audi R8s and Nissan GTRs and hang around E-Spot all day long with their pretty import model quality girlfriend gold diggers. They could become even richer than their parents, yet they waste their time and life with stupid shit. They don't deserve the wealth on hand.

#Bitter? Yes, #Bitter. I'm bitter. I'm cynical. But at least I have drive and will. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to cry. Srsly.

On another note, I'm gonna try and ask this other girl out, but not for the same purpose as the one for Ms. Zun. For her, the purpose for dating her was to basically go big game hunting, and nab this amazing girl who I can picture, from the initial impressions at least, starting a family with. I know it's weird to say that about someone whom I only went out twice with, but you guys don't know how it feels to have an insane checklist that got checked off for practically everything. That shit doesn't happen.

Anyway, enough about the past. This new girl is a friend of a friend, and is part of the group I hang out with. She's 2 years older, but she's cute, and she's azn, so she looks way younger than she actually is. She's shy, which I like. She's a teacher that's currently working in a private school. From this description alone, friends of this group will def know who I'm talking about. I also gave them this blog's URL for some purpose that escapes me now. I'm banking on the fact that they would be bored of the shrimp talk and wouldn't read this far. I'm a gambling man.

So yeah, this girl. She's not as driven as I like people to be, and she drinks. That alone pretty much disqualifies her as a potential bearer of my children, but I got to thinking, dating isn't necessarily just to find the future bearer of my children right? Maybe it can also just be for me to be happy for now? I don't know. Am I talking like a loser? I feel like if I'm focused on my happiness now, I'd forgo future success, and I'd ultimately end up being a loser. Is there something wrong with me for thinking like this? Do I have to see a shrink? Nah.

So back to this girl again (I keep on diverging from the main topic, it's like I have ADD). I'll ask her out for a pre-date. It wouldn't even be a date. It'll just be a chance for us to get to know each other better. I was gonna ask tmrw irl, but her lil cousin is coming, and I don't want to make her day stressful by imposing that question on her... so I'll ask her... later.

I also like the thrill of the hunt, so that's a reason why I'm asking her out.

Kiki's Delivery Service ((魔女の宅急便), and what I got out of it.

So I got a hold of a copy of every single Studio Ghibli movie. I watched 2 today: Kiki's Delivery Service and Howl's Moving Castle. I think I understand why Miyazaki is so beloved. His detailed fantasy worlds are very believable, and are quite imaginative and immersive. Nothing much is to be said of Howl's Moving Castle. It's pretty much your standard fantasy anime. Whimsical and heartfelt at the same time. What I want to talk about is Kiki's Delivery Service.



The reason why that movie got to me was because it visited a theme that is always on my mind: The difference in the lives between the affulent people and the rest of the working class and poor people. The anime clearly demonstrates the rift between Kiki, who's very nice and well mannered, and the rich, affluent kids/folks of the ocean side town, who were portrayed as bratty. The affluent people always seemed to be preoccupied with having parties, and doing leisurely activities, while we see poor Kiki having to bust her ass to make a few dollars so she doesn't have to eat pancakes all the time. I felt... rage? Indignation? Not sure, but it didn't feel comfortable, that's for one thing.

This one particular scene got to me. It's when Kiki was delivering the Herring Pie made by the friendly grandmother. When Kiki arrived with the pie to the big ass mansion, the grandkid opened the door, and immediately you could tell she was snobby as fuck and stuck up. Good job Miyazaki for portraying it so well. I really appreciate his work after this movie. He just portrays the human emotion/nature so well in his animes. Anyway, back to that scene, I didn't think it was fair that Kiki, who was such a nice girl, had to basically fight to survive, while that stuck up bitch just talks shit about her grandma and her Herring Pie, and is enjoying the finer things in life.

But, now that I'm 23, I know that the stuck up bitch will either end up poor after she uses up all her family's money after her parents grow old and die, or she'll remain rich and remain useless if she's not able to use up the cash in her parents' bank account. Kiki, on the other hand, is offering a unique service to the community. She has no competition, so she has monopoly on the market. I am not sure if her service has an equal substitute. Maybe the deliveries could have been made by car, but the city is full of rich folk, and nothing stops them from paying top dollar to get shit sent around fast. Perhaps as Kiki gets older, she'll realize that she can expand her business model, and start offering other services to the community, and leveraging her witch powers to the max. I'm pretty damn certain she's gonna climb up the ranks and will eventually become a rich witch aristocrat of the city. Hopefully her heart will remain pure and uncorrupted by the money.

K-Pop update!

Man, the k-pop scene is buzzing with great new songs! 2014 so far has been a great year for kpop!
I'll just post some vids of the latest and greatest songs that came out recently. Enjoy!

#Cynicism #Cantcompete #Bitter #99percentDarkChocolate #tableflip

Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil + Bouquet of roses + Beautiful sunset + Probably fancy dinner in Yaletown. Total Price: $145*2 + $60 + $60*2 = $470 (Or $720 total if VIP tickets were purchased instead of just regular front row seats, which is a high, HIGH possibility. I mean, if I was rich, the difference between $145 and $270 is not much. I'd ball out because I'm trying to court the girl, and I'd go with the VIP tix. I mean, if I was gonna go the extra mile and buy $60 roses, why not just add another $250 and get the VIP experience for Cirque du Soleil? I mean, I wouldn't have to put any extra effort in at all. I'd just have to purchase different tickets, that's all.)

Result: Got the girl.

Trip to Lighthouse Park + snacks + Milestones.
Total Price: $15 + $20*2 = $45

Result: Didn't get the girl.

Conclusion: Money is correlated with success in courting. Sample size of 1 is not enough to draw a conclusion. More samples are required.

This is just one out of a billion reasons why I need to get rich or die trying.

Should I date again?

It's a funny feeling, not having someone to chase after anymore. I don't like it. When I had Ms. Zun in my crosshairs, my search was actually over, and I had moved on to taking down the prey. But now she's out of the picture for now, and I have to go back to searching again, which is the worst part. It's terribly hard to find great girls, and I always feel the pressure of trying to find one before I'm like 30 and practically ready to retire. It literally took me a solid 1.5-2 years of online dating to find this Ms. Zun. I don't like that track record at all. Very very worrisome.

I remember when I was with my ex, and we were like 1 year into our relationship, I felt at peace and satisfied. I felt like a whole person. It's because I didn't have to worry about trying to look for "The One", because I was already with my ex. I had doubts sometimes whether she was the one or not, but most of the time I was happy with her. She was someone I could be close with emotionally and physically. I guess I miss that aspect, having someone whom I get to share everything with, someone whom I can just love with all my heart without it being overwhelming or overbearing for the other person.

Now I don't have anybody like that in my life. But it's a trade-off. When I was with my ex, she was my everything, and I was pretty much her everything. That meant that I didn't really have much of a social life outside of spending time with my ex. Now I have a lot more friends I hang out with, and I've become closer with my friends, which is awesome. But I don't have anyone where I can slap her on the ass and call her beautiful lol.

Can I live my life without someone whom I can be super close to and whom I can pour my heart out to? Probably, because I'm living right now. Would I feel complete? I don't feel complete right now. I know what it's like to have an intimate relationship and I miss that feeling. I think if I were to find someone else, I'd feel whole again. This feeling of wholeness... I don't think it's necessary for me to succeed in life and make a lot of money... but it would sure make me happier and more peaceful, and that's also a measure of success in life as well, besides money.

Is the fact that I miss having an intimate relationship enough reason for me to date just anyone decent? I am not sure... let's pro and con this out.

Pros for dating a girl who's decent, but not necessarily fully wifey material:
-someone to share thoughts and feelings with
-someone to get physically intimate with
-someone for me to love and care for

Cons for dating the above girl:
-will break up eventually due to the fact that I wouldn't want to marry them
-will get emotionally destroyed due to breakup
-all resources, like time and money, spent on relationship will be for naught, shitty return on investment, plus you gotta factor in the opportunity cost as well of the resources spent

So I guess I'd be sacrificing present money and time for present physical and emotional gratification. The alternative would be for me not to date, so I'd save money, and the time I could spend somewhere else more productive, but I wouldn't experience that intimacy again.

Overall, I don't know. What a great conclusion haha.

Experiment: What happens to me after 14 shots.

So I never got drunk before, like, piss drunk, so I decided to do it yesterday night, and document everything that happened. I decided to measure my drunkeness with piano performance, speech, and writing. I'll post my piano performances first, then pics of my writing and observations. I was kind of excited, because I always wondered, "What are the effects of alcohol on piano playing?"

The One Sentence I Never Want to Hear

"I wish we could do that"

When I'm sitting in front of the TV with my future family, and a commercial comes on about cheap vacations to places like Spain or France, I don't want to hear my family say, "That looks fun. I wish we could do that.", which really translates to, "I wish we had enough money to partake in that activity, yet still have enough money for daily living expenses plus longer term financial commitments like the mortgage, car insurance, piano fees for the kids, etc etc. But alas, we can't, because we don't have enough. Therefore I have a longing to do the activity."

That really bums me out. I'd feel like a failure because I can't provide my family with what they want.

Instead, what I want to hear is, "Oh, we should do that next year!" or "Oh, remember when we went on that trip 3 years ago?"

Now, I know what you're thinking. Convolutionx, you can't always provide your family with everything, or else they'd grow up as ingrates and not appreciate what they have, and they'll be spoiled. Actually, I plan to constantly remind them how tough life really is by volunteering at a soup kitchen as a family like once a month to remind ourselves of our good fortune, plus I'll think of other stuff to do that will make them remember their fortunate position in life.

I also want their lives to be limited by their imagination, and not by money. If they have a dream or passion, I want them to pursue it, instead of having to worry about money.

Actually, that might be a lie. I might want my son, or daughter if I have no son, to carry on the family legacy and to secure a good life for my future generations down the line...

Which would be bad if all my kids wanted to do was to become something useless like a painter...

Hmmmm.

All in all, money makes the world go round. I'll get some one day. I swear to all the gods of new and old.

My first follower! Bonus post for her. PLUS Conclusion for Ms. Zun

Well, turns out my random posts/rants about my life has managed to land me a follower lol. I wasn't gonna post a post tonight, but I'll do one just for this follower, as a welcome gift of sorts. It's not gonna be much, just a summary of my day today.

 So, the first day as a guy who's objectively single again, I felt like I had to reinvent myself. I went out and bought a new old badminton racket. I used my sister's leftover BG-65 Ti strings so I don't have to pay for new strings, and got a pink overgrip to match the strings. The paint job is a nice chrome color, which they don't make anymore, for any of the manufacturers. $50 bucks for the racket + $11 for stringing, and I got the bag and overgrip for free. Not bad. The racket is an even balance, and it has a slightly larger head for a bigger sweet spot. Why pink? To make guys feel bad when I beat em with a pink racket. I want to put hello kitty stickers on it too actually. No joke.

Also got a haircut. I don't want to take a pic of myself, but I went and got a haircut that was very different than anything I had before. Shaved sides, and long middle, so I can gel it. Kinda looks like this:

Had the haircut in Richmond in this Plaza. It had like 5 different hair salons, and the first two I went to charged $33-$35 bucks, to which I said no way. The third place charged $13, which I thought was reasonable, and the barber was super friendly, and he shared the same name as me too. I'll def go there again.






Went to watch X-Men: Days of Future Past, and it was a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the mind fucks and how it ties in with the trilogy and First Class. Okay, I'll admit that I've never watched the trilogy, but I did watch First Class. Went with the same group of friends. Good thing with that group is that there are some girls there that are kind of cute, and I wouldn't mind dating for physical intimacy's sake, but I don't know if they'll make great future wife/moms. I don't know if I should think about that aspect of a girl at this early stage of my life (23). But then again, why be with a girl when you know that eventually, you'll have to break up? If I know that from the start, why should I get emotionally and financially invested in said person? Well, I can answer my own question. I miss the emotional and physical intimacy of having a good gal around. Even if they are not marriage material, they can still be GF material, and sometimes I think that's enough to get me by. I am actually not sure where I stand on this issue. Maybe my follower can post a comment and enlighten me on this issue.

One good thing about having so much shit to think about, like how I'm going to make money and how I'm gonna find The One, I am never bored. I can easily fall back into thinking and planning. My time is never wasted, and my brain is never idle, except when I sleep.

Lastly,

Mah boy Taeyang came out with his new album, Rise. This song, Eyes, Nose, Lips, is great. The melody perfectly suits how I'm feeling about this Ms. Zun. She's basically gone. Actually, that's not true. Here's what I typed to her:

TL;DR = This wall o’ text is not sappy nor is it typed in desperation. Hehe, don’t worry. I’m not as oblivious to the signs as you think I am. I just chose to ignore em all until you’ve “come clean”, which you have, so now I’ll acknowledge it. I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I saw the Cirque pics, and I gave pinky a gentlemen golf clap, because it seems his execution that night was near flawless. This revelation didn’t take me by surprise though, because I’ve already thought of most of the ways of how our little thing could end, and this was one of em, so I already have a lil something prepared. To make your decision easier, I’m gonna tell you right now, go for pinky. Why? Because I’m going to be leaving the country for the next year, and I’m leaving July 28th. #Shyamalan #PlotTwist. Well, maybe you figured it out too. You’re a bright girl, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you knew I was gonna ditch Canada for Korea. I’ll be teaching English there. My original plan, before I met you, was to just kind of date around on POF, and not even give it much thought precisely because it would be super short term anyway. I’d go to Korea, have fun, and hopefully meet a cute Korean girl I could date while I’m there. Maybe I’d even meet a fellow ESL teacher that I could date as well. But then some sunuvagun called ThirdFloorasaurus (spelling is correct?), replied to my messages, and the TL;DR of that whole thing is, I changed my plan to accommodate for said person. I decided that the best strategy would be to see this person as much as I could before I leave, and establish enough rapport and feelings that this person would be willing to continue the budding relationship as a long distance one. Yes, I was willing to go to Korea, the land full of cute plasticky girls, with the status of taken, and basically turn off my radar that helps me hunt for potential girlfriends. I had a game plan all ready to go, which includes me mailing you little care packets from Korea weekly. And we all know how that plan worked out. I don’t blame you nor I though. I don’t blame myself because I tried my best, and that’s enough. I don’t blame you because who am I to say what you should feel, right? And quite frankly, I don’t need you. My lungs will still expand and contract without you. My S.A. node will keep on setting the pace without you. I’ll still be as happy as before I met you, which, from all my activities, is pretty damn happy. What I won’t be without you though, is that I won’t have the chance to be exponentially happier than I’ve ever been in my life if I had the chance to call you my girl, officially, for the whole world to know. But that’s fine, it only took me 23 years to meet someone like you. I’m sure if I search for another 23 years, I’d find someone to replace you I hope you can excuse my greediness, and the fact that I wanted to hog you for myself, even though I’d be in Korea. So let’s make a deal. We’ll still keep in touch, you go date this Pinky person, and I’ll try my shenanigans in Korea. After one year, when I’m back again, we’ll convene again and see if the timing will be better. Sounds fair? PS: I don’t mean to inflate your ego further, but I must emphasize that you’re pretty much cream of the crop, and you deserve the best of the best guys out there, however you determine what is “the best of the best”. Make sure this pinky dude is legit, and make sure this person brings out the best in you, and makes you strive to become a better person every day, like you’ve made me strive. Also, thanks for showing me that unicorns do exist. I’ve always doubted whether smart, kind, and pretty girls existed in this world, but then I met you. Now I’m never gonna settle for anything less. Thanks for setting the bar so damn high PPS: I was planning to tell you everything during our next meet up, and I was gonna show you this vid, but apparently it’s not gonna happen, so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxdsxZ8AeBU#t=545 Make sure you start from 9:05. They sung this song for me to you.

Immortal Songs 2 | 불후의 명곡 2: Shin Yongjae & Yoon Minsoo, Girls Day, ALi & more (2014.04.26)

www.youtube.com

Which she replied:

You're a good guy, XXX. And that sounds really really really amazing. Live life while young right? I hope you have a great experience in Korea. Do all the cool things, meet great people. And girls. ;D

I think life is all about chance and timing anyways. So I think that's perfectly fair. I haven't met a guy like you ever So ready to take on the world haha. So keep on being that person and I'm sure you'll achieve anything you want

I'm pretty sure she's just saying all that to be nice. She doesn't know me well enough to know how awesome I am, but it's not her fault. I hope this last bit makes all my 2 followers of this drama satisfied. I'll try this Ms. Zun again next year after I'm back from Korea.

Game Over

Yup, game over. Something happened and Ms. Zun is like distancing herself away from me. Doesn't reply to my shit on time, and by on time i mean within 8 hours. It's pretty terrible. I'd initiate the convo and talk about 3-4 different things, in 3-4 different consecutive messages on Facebook, and she'd only reply to one of the topics, a day later. I'd ask her how her day was like 4 times on 4 separate occasions on different days, and she has yet to tell me how her day went. It's fucking terrible. Among the items I talk about, one of em would be asking her availability during the week for a meet up, and she would never reply with an answer to my questions. I think I give up on starting any relationship with her. Now, I'm stubborn, and I won't admit defeat until I get a resounding no, so my new goal is just to squeeze a no from her so I can drop this without lingering thoughts of "What if I tried harder... maybe she would have said yes."

Am I sad? I am sad at the fact that potentially I could have been exponentially happier than I am now, but I have lost that possibility. Even though overall, excluding emotions brought about due to her, I'm pretty happy, I could still be happier if she was The One, and I managed to initiate a relationship with her. I don't need her. My lungs still work without her. My heart still beats without her. Do I want her? I thought I wanted her. After all, I have never met a girl who filled out my checklist, or at least a very large majority anyway. Of course I wanted her. But I guess it just isn't meant to be. I can actually find something to be grateful about in this scenario, in this one timeline out of millions. I can go to Korea knowing that I have left nothing behind me back in Canada. I don't have to go through the whole Long Distance Relationship thing.

And what can I learn from this experience. I don't know. Not to write her a poem next time? I dunno if it was the poem that did me in or not though, that's the thing. She might inherently not be ready for me, and no matter what I did or didn't do, she would probably still not have liked me back.

Ah! Yes, the most important lesson of all: She proves that it is possible to find someone with all 3 qualities.

I'll keep looking... but for now, back to POF.

EDIT: She posted this the next day

there's someone else who's been asking me out and right now i'm just getting really confused

I knew it. I fricking knew it.

How do I define Happiness?

To me, happiness is having a great family, a great wife, and watching my kids prosper. My wife will be a great person who makes me want to strive and achieve greatness. She'll also be a good mother. My kids will be smart and good. Money will not be an issue for my family. What would be issues would be which private school is the best to send the kids, and when can my wife and I have some time off from the kids to have some rekindling time, cuz that shit's important. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

I guess I'll be happiest if I find someone else who shares the same definition of happiness as me, and wants to strive for a loving family as well. I hope she shares that definition. I'll ask her on the next date.

Day Something: still lovesick.

Dunno how many days has gone by since I've met this person. I don't know why this event has struck me the way it has. Well, maybe I do. It's just hard to think about other stuff right now without thinking about her. I think I'll refer to her as her from now on.

Just wanted to type this out to help me to go to sleep. Came back from a fairly fun evening with some friends. We did a ramen party, had a ramen cook-off. I tried to emulate what I ate at Hida Takayama, which was their sesame ramen. I did a ground beef + carmalized onion mix, but there wasn't enough soup stock nor sesame flavour, so my ramen pretty much failed. Looked like:

I didn't make it to the top 3... but I thought it still tasted good. Maybe I'm just partial lol. We then made and ate cream puffs, played DDR, Super Smash Bros Brawl, Monopoly (I lost due to unlucky landing on Boardwalk), and Resistance. She messaged me with pics of her event. She got to see Adam and Jamie from the Mythbusters. How this whole thing turned out makes me quite sad. Ideally in a perfect world, I would have gone with her to that event. Maybe if I had more skill I could have made it happen. Economically, this event is a sunk cost, with the cost being emotion, so I shouldn't even dwell on it, but at the same time, it's good for athletes to look back at their previous games and learn from mistakes... so I guess I'll do that now...

If I asked her directly to go with me...

1. If she was already gonna go with friends, she'd be forced to reject my offer. 

2. If she wasn't going to go, and she doesn't wanna go with me, another reject.

3. If she wants to go and would be alright with going with me, then she would have accepted.

I think at the point where I'd ask, she wouldn't have been comfortable with going out to that event with me so it would have just been a rejection, probably in the form of ignoring. 

I kind of feel that me constantly asking her out makes me feel desperate, but at the same time though, if I don't ask her out to do stuff, who will, right? 

Well, the most important thing is, she seemed to have fun today, and she shared her photos on FB, and with me privately on FB msg. I saw it and didn't respond til I got back home at like 12:30 am, which is 5 hours. I think it's fine, because the lil wait time will bolster up the image of me being independent and not absolutely bat shit crazily deeply entrenched in the possibility of being with her. Sigh.

Kinda feel sleepy now, but it's good. I don't want to stay up thinking about her, because I need to sleep. I'd probably dwell on what I should do for the next date. The fact that she still is talking to me suggests that she doesn't want me to disappear from her life. She keeps me around, so I must have some value to her. She sees something in me that's worth talking to me. My god I feel like a pet or a dog. See? This is bad. This is like... clingy desperation shit, but I don't want to be this way. But is this way true love? Like, would girls be turned on by this "devotion" or turned off by this "clingy shit"? I have no idea. Playing all of this by ear.

BTW, spending a lot more time with females, IE: The girls today at the Ramen cook off. They're nice girls, but they are no where near the complete package that She brings to the table. Bench marking Her like no tmrw, and she's passing with flying colours.

Well, just to think, me and Her, we have a differential in what we're feeling for one another. I think my job is to equalize the playing field by either me feeling less for her, or her feelings more for me. I like the latter option better. Maybe she still wants to know me better. I'll design a Q&A session with her for the 3rd date. I also have to design a way to ask her again for the next date without sounding like, "Yo, I'm available 24/7, 365 days of the year for you. Pick a day, and I'll be there for you." cuz that's just clingy. But I feel that way, and I don't know if I should or not. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Lol j/k. 

I'll think of something. I always do. 

Can I get off this rollercoaster? Pl0x? + My Psychoanalysis of myself and Today's events.

Fuck. GG. Well, not rly. Ms. Zun ignored my offer. Replied back, but at a time when she's already in Chilliwack at 9:55 pm. IE: Here's a forced "No" on you, and you can't do anything about it because it's 9:55 pm and I'm in Chilliwack and you're in Surrey."

It's fine, she prob had plans for tonight's meteor shower. We're clearly at different stages of love. I'm practically head over heels... needlessly and I probably shouldn't be. She's taking this cautiously. Fuck me. I wanna give her so much of myself, but I have to hold it back because there's stuff you don't do while still in the very initial stages of the relationship. But in the middle of a deep relationship, that stuff would be fine.

IE: If we were 2 years in, it would be sweet if I suggested taking her to Abbotsford to view the meteor shower. If we were 1 month in... no, if we weren't even together, and if we were only testing the waters, then it would be viewed as desperate. Why the fuck is that the case? It's lame. So lame. Is it wrong for me to love with all my heart? I only have 1 mode, that's it. It's like my powerlevel is over 9000, but I gotta put a limiter on myself or else all these mortals around me will disintegrate from my pure energy.

I hate that I have to limit myself, but I guess I have to. Maybe my heart has been on my sleeve too long and I gotta grab it back, and conceal it again. This emotional rollercoaster is hard to deal with.

Objective analysis time:

I gave her an option to go with me. She neither had a straight up yes or no.

Interpretation: She wanted to say no, but couldn't do it in a direct way, which resulted in an indirect no.
Why couldn't she say no directly? She's not the direct type.

Why would she say no? A myriad of reasons.
1. She doesn't wanna hang out with me today.
2. She wants to hang out with me, but already made plans with others, and didn't want to include me.
3. She wants to hang out with me, but doesn't want to make it seem like she's too desperate so she said no.
4. She doesn't want to go to Abbotsford, but somewhere closer.

1 = ouch, nothin I can do
2 = she needs more time to know me, and eventually she'll acclimatize me to her friends.
3 = she's not a dating pro, she won't do that move
4 = I'm actually not sure if I interpreted her message right. Maybe she's not in Chilliwack. If she was though, this would not be a valid reason

I did text her at like 1am about the meteor shower, and she practically replied right away...
She's naive. It could just be that she doesn't know the rules, and just texted back cuz it was convenient. She always has her phone with her. If she doesn't text back right away, it's either cuz she's busy, or she is playing the texting game. Either way, she would have read the message immediately. Is there a silver lining from this fact that she msged me back right away? I doubt it.

Overall... bad outcome for today.

Could money have solved this problem? No.

What could have solved this problem? Nothing. I had two choices: Offer her an invite. Not offer her an invite. Outcome of not offering her an invite? Not being able to see the shower with her tonight. Outcome of offering her an invite? A slim possibility of seeing her tonight, seeing a shower together. High possibility of getting a "No". Which is the best outcome? I'd say the second one is, so therefore I made the right choice by offering her an invite to give myself a slim chance of seeing her. I'd take a slim chance over no chance any day. I did the right move today. I should be happy.

Sidenote, spent the majority of the day with my friend. Hard to believe that I once liked her. Had a Pinkberry froyo groupon I would have used on Ms. Zun, but used it on my friend instead. It's fine, cuz she's my friend. Walked around a bit in Metro, then went to Coquitlam to knock on doors for food donations as part of foodshareday.org . We collected 70.5 lbs of food between 3 people, with my froyo friend being one of em. Then I dropped my froyo friend home, and decided to watch the meteor shower with her. Her bro and our mutual guy friend came along, which is fine. I didn't care. Kinda cold windy night. Laid towels on the grass. They all lied down, and I was gonna lie down on my car, when my froyo friend told me to lie down beside her. I'm like, hmmmm, intimate, but sadly, not with Ms. Zun. I lied there beside her, and I thought to myself, there was once a time where I would have relished this moment. But no, not tonight. All I thought about was Ms. Zun. Effing hell. It's like I'm sick, the way I'm afflicted with this disease of my mind. I guess that's why they call it lovesick.

Alright, so what's the battle plan? Date 2 finished, didn't get neg vibes. Date 3 should be a go. I have to plan date 3. This will be tough... to plan something unique. She has money, that Ms. Zun. She prob did more things than I have ever done in my life... except for hiking. I am the king of that domain by a long shot. And I guess scuba. And wine tasting. I guess I have some stuff up my sleeve too. Oh boy I'm tired. It's like almost 3 am. But I gotta type this all out. I just gotta. Or else I wouldn't even be able to fall asleep. This shit bothers me so much.

Side side note: Took pics of me and my two female foodshareday compadres. If Ms. Zun sees it, I hope she gets jelly. Damn, I'm .... what's the word... petty? I dunno, maybe I am. I just hate feeling this way, so helpless and depressed that I can't seem to do anything to move this relationship along. At least the direction of movement is right... but it's hard to tell. I'll spend tonight in bed thinking of what kind of activity I can do with Ms. Zun. Oh yeah, fking today, she's gonna go see the Mythbusters at UBC Alumni Weekend. And I was planning to go with her, but she's going with her friends instead. Fuck, I am sooooo bitter. Sooo choked. I finally realized since I can't be integrated with her friends, I have to grab her on a specific day when she's not hanging out with them, which is rare, because she's always doing something with someone. Fuck me. I'm gonna go pray some more. Lord, help me guide my way. Guide me, show me the path. Show me how I can win Ms. Zun. If you show me I will follow.

Side Side Side Note: Meteor shower was shitty. Didn't see shit. Pinkberry was average.

Let the games continue tomorrow.

The most banal post ever.

Nothing much. Just wanted to say that there is a never-before-seen meteor shower tonight:

http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/183007-tonights-brand-new-meteor-shower-could-turn-into-a-1000-meteors-per-hour-storm



Ms. Zun loves meteor showers, so I asked her if she was available tonight. I mentioned the meteor shower, then I mentioned if she was free tonight from like 11pm to 1am. I'm pretty sure anyone can figure out that I'm asking her out to see the meteor shower. My plan is to drive her down to McDonald Park in Abbotsford. It's a Dark Sky Park, and basically by law, they limit the light there for astronomical reasons. Favourite place for casual astronomers to go to observer meteor showers.

I predict that she won't answer me all day. It's how things are sometimes. I think I could have asked her in a better way, now that I think about it, but it's too late now. The message is sent. The better way I think would be something like, " So, are you going to see the meteor shower with your friends tonight, or are you gonna skip tonight?" If she says she'll skip, then I could ask her if she wanted to go with me. If she says she will go with her friends, then I'd be like, have fun. The way I asked her was indirect... too indirect... too pussy. It's like I'm giving her a chance to say no. But I think I should give her a chance to say no. I don't want to pressure her into being with me if she doesn't want to... right? But what kind of mindset is that? Oh, I don't know if she wants to be with me. I don't know if she has fun with me. I should be thinking, I'm da shit. Of course she has fun with me, and of course she wants to be with me. I don't know if that way of thinking is thinking with confidence, or just being plain cocky. I have to keep it in a balance.

But I can't go back on this invite, and the way I invited her. It'll probably not go through. But, I think I did the right thing by proactively inviting her out. Like, she won't make the move, ever. So it's up to me to keep on bringing her out with me to places and for me to arrange times for us to spend together. Better to try and fail than to not try at all, am I right? I think I'm right.

And as long as I keep making the right decisions day by day, I can't blame myself if things fail, because if I've done the best I can to control the controllables, IE: my own actions, then it's not my fault if stuff goes wrong.

Anyway, we'll see how the game pans out.

And also, I promised my sweet Lord that if things work out with me and this Ms. Zun, and if we end up being together... I'm converting. LOL.

Second date went well... so why am I depressed?

Dear Diary, (lol at the rate I'm going, might as well just treat this blog as a diary for now...)

Today I went on a second date with Ms. Zun. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was sunny, but it wasn't super hot. The sun's rays felt subdued in terms of heat, but it was very bright all the same. So I drove to her house, and lo and behold, I arrived at 10:00 am exactly. Another sign maybe God exists, I dunno. I haven't been praying to Him lately, but I should. I should talk to Him more. I wonder if my prayers can be in the form of a blog on the internet, like this one. Like, can I be like, dear God, thanks for the wonderful weather and my timely arrival to Ms. Zun's house. Will God hear my electronic message? I'm thinking, since God isn't physical, then God wouldn't rly need to hear my spoken prayer right?

Anyway, so yes, timely arrival right at 10 sharp to Ms. Zun's place. Picked her up from her multi-million dollar home, which by the way, wasn't really a mansion. That house would only be $1 mil max in Langley... maxxxx. It's only worth $4 mil or so because of the location, which is like a stone's throw from a major mall in Vancouver. We drove and talked, no awkward silences or anything. Arrived at Lighthouse Park, and did the same trails I did with my friends last time. What surprised me was that Ms. Zun initiated in taking a selfie with me. Pretty much in my head, I was like, yeah, I don't know if she wants to take a pic with me. She might not be ready to have pics with some dude and show to her friends. So I just forgot about it, and I started to walk away from a viewpoint back down to the trail, when she said, wait come back here, and then told me let's take a selfie.

Logically speaking, a person would want to take a picture so they can look back at the view in a future time, so they can remember the moment when the pic was taken. So if my logic is sound, then would that mean Ms. Zun wanted to take a pic with me so she can remember today? It would be cool if that was the case. She didn't take a pic of just me though... and I only took 1 pic of just her. I didn't post it on FB yet, just in case she doesn't want to be seen on my feed.

We sat down at another view point, and had a snack of salsa and chips. Talked about a lot of things. Man, Ms. Zun had such a... fortunate and hung fook childhood. She recalled experiences in like India, Dubai, Malaysia, China... All vacations with her family. Her parents go on vacations 4 times a year. My parents went on 4 vacations in their lifetime. We come from such different worlds, it's hilarious how we ended up sitting on the same rock, sharing the same bag of chips, looking at the same view that day.

Aha, I think I know why I'm depressed. Ms. Zun has lived such a great life thus far, and of course, being the guy that I am, I want to be able to provide the same life for her in the future. And that means I have to elevate myself to the point where I can afford a multi million dollar home and have 4 vacations a year. Fuck. How does one even do that? I'm no doctor. Hell, doctors can't even make that much after tax deductions and shit. Yes, there is a linear correlation between the amount of expletives I use and the amount of emotions I feel. With a biochemistry degree, I have to somehow find a way to make that much money. How the hell can I do that. I wish there was a visible path I can follow. If someone tells me there is a guaranteed path for financial success, I'd slave myself towards that. I dunno, maybe I'm all talk. If I truly walk how I talk, I wouldn't be stuck with this disgusting 75.5% average. Fucking hell. What am I suppose to do with an average like that. No Master's program will consider me seriously. All I can go into is like BCIT or something for nursing or whatnot. And I'm already behind, because people can go into nursing right out of highschool. I use to think lowly of my highschool friends who went into nursing at BCIT instead of going to UBC. How fucking STUPID I was back then. Holy shit, how did I even survive back then. How was I so stupid?

This is certainly a battle of titanic proportions. A David vs Goliath kind of thing. Me, a young man with a biochem degree with a shitty average, son to parents who are hard working as fuck, but not necessarily all that wealthy compared to the 1% of Vancouver, graduating with no plan at all, vs Ms. Zun, a lovely lady who has a pretty decent average of about 81-82%, smart, daughter of parents who are probably in the top 0.5%, well on her way of landing a program that will land her a job that pays $80k easy.

How am I suppose to win this battle? What am I not seeing? It's so frustrating. I feel like a tiger stuck in a cage. Well, I guess the first thing I could do is to stop doing useless shit like typing this blog, but I think if I don't list out my thoughts, I'd just go crazy. Besides, I think this helps me lay down my thoughts in a concrete fashion so I can examine it.

What it boils down to is that me and Ms. Zun comes from very different socioeconomic classes. She just simply doesn't get any life besides the affluent one. It's not her fault. Oh, important side note, I don't hate Ms. Zun. Not at all. I'm not jealous of her affluence, well, her parent's affluence. I'm not jealous of her fortunate life growing up. Well, maybe a tad, I'll be honest here. I sometimes think to myself, how would my life turn out if I was born into an affluent family? Will I be fucking brilliant? I don't know. I have a feeling that I'd end up being useless and game all day. I am what I am today because I have this terrible, TERRIBLE want/lust for financial success. I wouldn't have this lust if I was born into a wealthy family.

Which is why Ms. Zun is amazing. She can remain so sensible, and remain so unmaterialistic, despite circumstances that favors a character development of materialism and princess syndrome. In her shoes, I probably would have turned out like shit. She's a strong girl, she is.

Back to the original topic. I'm srsly having self doubts. I always thought I was the shit. I'm confident, and I carry myself with confidence. I give no shit about what other's think. Well, give not a lot of shit. But this Ms. Zun makes me aim high, so high in fact that I'm scared. I'm scared I can't reach there. I know so many ppl who seem to have their life together, and who seem like they are destined to make a decent sum. Why am I the only one who's clueless? What can I do to uncover a path for myself?

Ugh, it always comes down to money.

Anyway, so I gave her my gift of 0.3mm pens, which I was gonna give her for her last final, but that date didn't happen. She was appreciative, so I'm pretty sure I scored some points. Then we walked back, and went to Milestones for a meal. I secretly prepaid for the entire meal, so she can't even pay, even if she wanted to. I said it was her birthday meal, so it was my treat. She seemed mad though before I said it was because of her birthday, so I am def not gonna pull that stunt again hahaha. Anyway, dropped her off again, didn't hug her, again, and just before she left, I handed her a poem I wrote, and I was like, yo wait a minute, here's something else for your birthday. Don't open it until your birthday.

The poem's pretty sick, I gotta admit. I'm proud of what I wrote. 15 4-line stanzas of ABAB rhyme pattern. I think this is the right move, because her curiosity of the contents would probably put me subconsciously in her mind until at least June 1st. That's like free a week and a half of attention without me doing anything. Good return on investment lol.

Let the games continue...

Tmrw: 2nd Date

Lol it seems like all I've been doing is just making posts whenever I get rly happy or rly sad, or when I just experience strong emotion in general due to Ms. Zun. I'm sure I'll post some useful crap once in a while as well.

Just a little more, Ms. Zun's house is multi million (2.1 when purchased) and is like 10-20 mins away from all the malls in Vancouver/Richmond. It's prob worth like 3-4 mil now, since 2.1 was the forclosed price. I find it amazing that being raised in such affluence, my Ms. Zun can still be so sensible (I think, nothing is known as fact just yet, it's just my interpretation of the limited interactions with her/ her words) and mature, as oppose to suffering from uber princess syndrome. Haha, I'm kinda ashamed that I'm pulling up to a house like that in a $16k Jetta TDI. Juuuust kiding. I am not ashamed, and I have no reason to be.

This is straight up like a Disney fairy tale where a poor pauper fell in love with a wealthy princess. Somehow, I gotta also make this a happy ending as well.

Some cool notes:
-she told me her house address

-I can pick her up

This conveys that she trusts me... a fair bit. Not bad for the 2nd date, considering the first date, she didn't even let me drive her. 

Some crappy notes:

I was like, so yeah, bout tmrw, we're going hiking right? (Of course not that blatant, I asked in a very salesman round about way to make it seem like I'm not desperate to go tmrw). She's like, oh, I almost forgot about that. 

Dammnnnn ouch. Obvs if she was head over heals about me, as soon as I said, "Yo, since you can't do Thursday, lets do next Wednesday." She'd remember it for sure. Since she forgot, that means I got more work to do... 

Alright, let's end this with ME, 화이팅!!!

"Volunteering" - the most misleading term ever

This is just me letting off some steam. Volunteering is to willingly work at an organization without being paid. And I thought, growing up, that volunteering is "voluntary", because that's the root of the word. So I never bothered to volunteer in highschool, and in university. I thought that the experience I get from working would be similar to experiences gotten from volunteering. And in a way... it's true. You improve your interpersonal skills no matter if you're working or if you're volunteering. But I have found out too late that if you want to get into health care related fields, you'd have to volunteer. It's mandatory. Volunteering is involuntary and compulsory, which goes entirely against the spirit of volunteering. Like, volunteering should be done with the intent of helping people without any personal gain. But if entering the health care field is set up in such a way that it makes volunteering a requirement to get into public health care programs, then people would volunteer with the intent of making it into the programs they want to join, and not necessarily with the intent to help people.

Don't get me wrong, there are nice people out there who volunteer for the right reasons, and they get into med school or whatnot for the right reasons. But there are also those who volunteer for the sake of getting into programs, and not to help people. I must say, now that I look back on it, I'd probably be a wrong person to enter the public health field... I think. I'm not sure. I'm certainly a kind person... but I don't know if you can call me selfless in that I'll be willing to help anyone. I'm selfless for my family, and maybe my close friends, but I certainly won't give much thought about the troubles of strangers, which is basically the spirit of public health, right? Public health requires you to be concerned for the well being of strangers. And I guess since I haven't volunteered, I don't know the degree of my concern for the  misfortunes of people I don't know.

But whatever the case is, no one told me volunteering was a must to get into the public health field, so now I'm like a fish out of water if I want to pursue that field. I've still got the pharmaceutical business/sales, and I still got bioinformatics. I'm not exactly dead yet, and I'll keep fighting for myself and for the person I'll eventually marry.

And the roller coaster continues...

Well, good news is that from yesterday's conversation, she doesn't exactly never want to see me again. She was talking about her OT meeting, and her advisor wants Ms. Zun to volunteer at a ranch for kids who have serious mental and physical illnesses, and she told me to go join her. Made me kind of feel good, the fact that she wanted me to go with her. I'm sure this gesture is genuine, because there was no need for her to lie like that. If she didn't want me to go with her, then she would have just told me about her opportunity, and leave it at that.

The sad thing is, I haven't volunteered for a single second of my life, and I definitely am not qualified for this ranch volunteering experience. I mean, I don't have any experience with taking care of kids, let alone kids with serious mental and physical illnesses. What if one of em dies in my experienced hands? So as much as I want to do this with her, I can't, and I don't think I should.

Overall, developments are turning out okay. It definitely feels like a one way street when it comes to who's courting who. I'm definitely making most of the effort in terms of engaging in conversation and setting up dates. It's not that I mind being the proactive one, but I just hope that she'll reciprocate my feelings one day. I guess I can view my efforts as a long term investment with no guaranteed return on investment. Lol, financially, I'd never invest my money into something like that. But feelings and emotion makes people do strange, strange things.

Lastly, I've always been telling myself, "Yo, you've been too proactive mang. You need to calm the hell down and wait for her to engage you once in a while..." but I never do. As soon as she replies back, I get excited, and I reply back within 30 mins. I don't have the discipline to not message her for a day. I think maybe I won't message her today. And since I'm going to Mt. Baker, I'll msg her after I come back to Canada on Tuesday. Hopefully this five day period of silence from me will catalyze this process of courtship for the better. Either she realizes that she misses talking to me, and therefore realizes that maybe she is developing feelings for me, or she realizes that she didn't miss me that much, and will lose interest in me... boy, I really hate mind games.

Hmmmm, maybe I should say something impressionable to her today to make her think of me during my absence. But maybe if I do this, I'll seem too desperate, and it will be counter to what I want. Maybe if I don't say anything her today, it will make her wonder why, and she'll keep wondering until I come back from Mt. Baker. I'm kind of leaning towards the second option, because I'll juxtapose my seemingly lack of thought for her through not talking to her today and not saying goodbye with an act of thoughtfulness by getting something for her from the states... probably candy/chocolate, because most girls like chocolate. The contrast will surprise her and further heighten my gift when we meet up again on Wednesday...So somehow I gotta get Jack to stop by a Walmart so I can pick up some snacks for Ms. Zun, which means I have to convince Jack to drive through the Pacific Border Crossing instead of the Sumas crossing. Sumas is like a deserted ghost town; they don't have a Walmart or Walgreen or anything where I can get snacks. Sighhhh.

Anyway, some non-Ms. Zun related news, been hiking a lot lately. Got lots and lots of nice pics too. I love bringing friends hiking, because we all can get back with nature, and we can all spend some quality time together and chatting, free from technological distractions. There's this girl... let's call her 유냈스. She's friends with my other friend for a year now. They go to the same church. My friend was interested in 유냈스, and so whenever she joined our hikes, I try to be a good wingman and either remove myself from the picture, or take down other people with me, leaving them two alone.

First hike was kinda like a double date of sorts, except that I was definitely not interested in the 2nd girl, but I still talked to her alot just to remove myself and this 2nd girl from the picture, giving my friend and 유냈스 time alone to talk. Yesterday was another hike, and this time it was even harder. It was only me, my friend, and 유냈스. And this 유냈스 is pretty white washed, and has Caucasian mannerisms. She is quite chatty, while my friend is kind of the more stoic, silent, thinking type. And as for me, I'm chatty when I want to be. So she was talking to me alot, and all that time I was just nodding along, and giving appropriate responses once in a while, but I was thinking, hmmmm, how can I involve my friend into this conversation? It was hard! And during the hike, I basically either trailed behind, or led the way, trying to give them two space. When we sat down and took a break, I just kinda booked it and said I was exploring, and gave them time to themselves. I tried, my 친구, I tried. Hopefully he'll make a move on her. She's actually pretty, sensible, and single, and I think she'll be good for my friend. I kept on nudging him along and coerce him to ask her out, but he won't lol.

So now what? I'm going to work on another post, and talk about beauty and dating. I'll double check my packing for Mt. Baker, play some piano, and learn some Korean. And of course, try my best to get my mind off Ms. Zun, but it's a tall order.

Lol

Lol. Thought everything was going well. Good feedback from Ms. Zun about my lil prix fixe menu. Thought the date was gonna be on Thursday.

Msged her this evening. She responds back pretty quickly, then for my subsequent msgs she responds like 2 hours later...

...saying that Thursday is cancelled because she has piano kids to teach.

Objectively, most of this is understandable. She claimed she was busy Mon/Tues. So if she was, she wouldn't have been able to teach her kids, and it would make sense for her to shift her students to Thurs and Fri. Subjectively...

Sigh. I'm use to it now. It's pretty much become SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). I say something, especially something to do with dating, or something sweet, she doesn't respond right away anymore. Pretty much responds the next day. And even when I do organize stuff, she says she's busy.

I'll treat this as a test. A test of my will and determination. At the end of the day, it won't matter if I succeed in dating her or not. Well, it would matter, if I determine that she is the person I think she is. But what's more important, I can look back and be proud of the effort I put in for pursuing her.

EDIT: Said something else to her, and she disappeared on me again. Objectively, this is what happens:
1. She messages me back. She appears to have the green circle, indicating she's online.
2. I respond to her message. I give a good 3-4 msg bubbles worth of response.
3. *Poof* Her green dot turns into a grey dot, indicating that she either turned off the chat on me, or she logged off herself. The time it takes for her dot to turn grey is about 30 seconds to 1 minute after I message her.
4. There is a period of time where she doesn't respond. This period lasts anywhere from 1-2 hours to like 8-10 hours.
5. She responds. Rinse and repeat cycle.

Sometimes, the loop breaks where we manage to have a back and forth convo. We use to have a lot of that, but lately, ever since the first date, things have changed. I don't even know why. I haven't done anything differently. All I've done is to flirt lightly here and there. Objectively (I always use the word objectively, and it may seem overused, but I believe in logical thinking, and logical thinking is thinking void of emotions, and using only objective observations void of personal interpretation, so whenever I try to logically deduce something, I try and rid myself of emotions, and I let my readers know I'm doing so by saying "so objectively....") I think there is a greater deviation of behaviour on her end compared to on my end. My changes in behaviour just included a gradual increase in flirtatious messages, and an increase in saying sweet things, things I want to say, but would have held back had I not confessed to her that I like her.

Example: So she said she's sorry for being such a downer these days; she's been telling me how her friends annoy her because her friends seem like they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and that it disgusts her when her friends say stuff like, "Ehr mah gerd I can't even put sushi from X Restaurant without gagging." (Sidenote: what kind of spoiled brat would say that?)((Side side note: Ms. Zun was born into an affluent family, but she's not spoiled, and that's one of the reasons why I like her). She also said that someone said something that reminded her of her grandmother, who's passed away. For the record, I don't mind at all that she's sharing this with me. I want to be there for her, so the more she shares with me, the better.

My response to her calling herself a downer was something along the lines of, "I don't think you're a downer. And even if you were, I actually don't mind at all, because that just means I have to try harder to bring smiles to your face on Thursday." Boom, 10 points to GRYFFINDOR YO.

I'm just getting so tired... but I'll endure on. Lol, I fking sound like I'm Ghandi or something. This is ridiculous. My life should not be this affected by someone. The Dr. Spock in me is just shaking his head at myself... Man, 10 points from Gryffindor for letting this one girl mess me up like this.

Game on again... for now.

Even though Ms. Zun is playing some sort of game, or doing some sort of maneuver that is making my life hell right now, she agreed (against her better judgement, maybe? That's what it sorta kinda felt like), for a second date. Now, this is just a really loose interpretation. Basically I was like, free Mon or Tues for dinner or coffee? She said she was busy these two days, but should be free Thursday. I've done enough SouthWestern to know a blow off when I see one, and this is like a textbook blow off, so I'm not getting my hopes up too high.
I decided to be a little creative and create a "prix fixe menu" for her to let her build her own date, so to speak. Gave her a choice to drive, or I drive, or get to the nature walk in separate cars. Gave her 3 choices for nature hikes, and they're all easy 1.5-2 hour walks. Super super super easy. Then I gave her a choice of 3 different eateries for after.

I don't know where we are in terms of relationship-wise. Obvs I'm barely BARELY thawing her icy shield. I don't even know how my progress is. It feels like driving in a dense fog with no headlights. I'm just going forward, but I can't tell where I'm going or how fast I'm going. I ain't gonna press on the brakes though. That's what losers do. I'm gonna keep on striving to melt her ice, until I break through, or until she tells me to fuck off, basically. So for now, I just gotta assume things are going well, and I just gotta assume we're at the stage where we can go for a hike in the sun without her having to worry that I'm gonna take her into the woods and stab her or something. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't suspect such a thing though... I mean, I uploaded sooooo many Facebook pics of me going hiking with girls and guys, and none of my friends ended up dead, and no one wrote on my wall complaining that I tried to kill them...

I'm pretty satisfied with my overall performance thus far. If it doesn't work out, I tried my best, and the "fault" would lie on her, rather than myself. I will still love me, and that's super important. Of course, I might not be satisfied with where I am in life, and I'd probably vow to improve myself, just like how I vow now everyday to improve myself. Even though I want to change, I still love me because I have the strength and determination to strive for the change.










In life, if you have no cheerleaders rooting for you, you gotta be your own cheerleader. #foreveralone #nahjkIgotfriends