To me, happiness is having a great family, a great wife, and watching my kids prosper. My wife will be a great person who makes me want to strive and achieve greatness. She'll also be a good mother. My kids will be smart and good. Money will not be an issue for my family. What would be issues would be which private school is the best to send the kids, and when can my wife and I have some time off from the kids to have some rekindling time, cuz that shit's important. Trust me, I know this for a fact.
I guess I'll be happiest if I find someone else who shares the same definition of happiness as me, and wants to strive for a loving family as well. I hope she shares that definition. I'll ask her on the next date.
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Day Something: still lovesick.
Dunno how many days has gone by since I've met this person. I don't know why this event has struck me the way it has. Well, maybe I do. It's just hard to think about other stuff right now without thinking about her. I think I'll refer to her as her from now on.
Just wanted to type this out to help me to go to sleep. Came back from a fairly fun evening with some friends. We did a ramen party, had a ramen cook-off. I tried to emulate what I ate at Hida Takayama, which was their sesame ramen. I did a ground beef + carmalized onion mix, but there wasn't enough soup stock nor sesame flavour, so my ramen pretty much failed. Looked like:
Just wanted to type this out to help me to go to sleep. Came back from a fairly fun evening with some friends. We did a ramen party, had a ramen cook-off. I tried to emulate what I ate at Hida Takayama, which was their sesame ramen. I did a ground beef + carmalized onion mix, but there wasn't enough soup stock nor sesame flavour, so my ramen pretty much failed. Looked like:
I didn't make it to the top 3... but I thought it still tasted good. Maybe I'm just partial lol. We then made and ate cream puffs, played DDR, Super Smash Bros Brawl, Monopoly (I lost due to unlucky landing on Boardwalk), and Resistance. She messaged me with pics of her event. She got to see Adam and Jamie from the Mythbusters. How this whole thing turned out makes me quite sad. Ideally in a perfect world, I would have gone with her to that event. Maybe if I had more skill I could have made it happen. Economically, this event is a sunk cost, with the cost being emotion, so I shouldn't even dwell on it, but at the same time, it's good for athletes to look back at their previous games and learn from mistakes... so I guess I'll do that now...
If I asked her directly to go with me...
If I asked her directly to go with me...
1. If she was already gonna go with friends, she'd be forced to reject my offer.
2. If she wasn't going to go, and she doesn't wanna go with me, another reject.
3. If she wants to go and would be alright with going with me, then she would have accepted.
I think at the point where I'd ask, she wouldn't have been comfortable with going out to that event with me so it would have just been a rejection, probably in the form of ignoring.
I think at the point where I'd ask, she wouldn't have been comfortable with going out to that event with me so it would have just been a rejection, probably in the form of ignoring.
I kind of feel that me constantly asking her out makes me feel desperate, but at the same time though, if I don't ask her out to do stuff, who will, right?
Well, the most important thing is, she seemed to have fun today, and she shared her photos on FB, and with me privately on FB msg. I saw it and didn't respond til I got back home at like 12:30 am, which is 5 hours. I think it's fine, because the lil wait time will bolster up the image of me being independent and not absolutely bat shit crazily deeply entrenched in the possibility of being with her. Sigh.
Kinda feel sleepy now, but it's good. I don't want to stay up thinking about her, because I need to sleep. I'd probably dwell on what I should do for the next date. The fact that she still is talking to me suggests that she doesn't want me to disappear from her life. She keeps me around, so I must have some value to her. She sees something in me that's worth talking to me. My god I feel like a pet or a dog. See? This is bad. This is like... clingy desperation shit, but I don't want to be this way. But is this way true love? Like, would girls be turned on by this "devotion" or turned off by this "clingy shit"? I have no idea. Playing all of this by ear.
BTW, spending a lot more time with females, IE: The girls today at the Ramen cook off. They're nice girls, but they are no where near the complete package that She brings to the table. Bench marking Her like no tmrw, and she's passing with flying colours.
Well, just to think, me and Her, we have a differential in what we're feeling for one another. I think my job is to equalize the playing field by either me feeling less for her, or her feelings more for me. I like the latter option better. Maybe she still wants to know me better. I'll design a Q&A session with her for the 3rd date. I also have to design a way to ask her again for the next date without sounding like, "Yo, I'm available 24/7, 365 days of the year for you. Pick a day, and I'll be there for you." cuz that's just clingy. But I feel that way, and I don't know if I should or not. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Lol j/k.
Kinda feel sleepy now, but it's good. I don't want to stay up thinking about her, because I need to sleep. I'd probably dwell on what I should do for the next date. The fact that she still is talking to me suggests that she doesn't want me to disappear from her life. She keeps me around, so I must have some value to her. She sees something in me that's worth talking to me. My god I feel like a pet or a dog. See? This is bad. This is like... clingy desperation shit, but I don't want to be this way. But is this way true love? Like, would girls be turned on by this "devotion" or turned off by this "clingy shit"? I have no idea. Playing all of this by ear.
BTW, spending a lot more time with females, IE: The girls today at the Ramen cook off. They're nice girls, but they are no where near the complete package that She brings to the table. Bench marking Her like no tmrw, and she's passing with flying colours.
Well, just to think, me and Her, we have a differential in what we're feeling for one another. I think my job is to equalize the playing field by either me feeling less for her, or her feelings more for me. I like the latter option better. Maybe she still wants to know me better. I'll design a Q&A session with her for the 3rd date. I also have to design a way to ask her again for the next date without sounding like, "Yo, I'm available 24/7, 365 days of the year for you. Pick a day, and I'll be there for you." cuz that's just clingy. But I feel that way, and I don't know if I should or not. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Lol j/k.
I'll think of something. I always do.
Saturday, 24 May 2014
Can I get off this rollercoaster? Pl0x? + My Psychoanalysis of myself and Today's events.
Fuck. GG. Well, not rly. Ms. Zun ignored my offer. Replied back, but at a time when she's already in Chilliwack at 9:55 pm. IE: Here's a forced "No" on you, and you can't do anything about it because it's 9:55 pm and I'm in Chilliwack and you're in Surrey."
It's fine, she prob had plans for tonight's meteor shower. We're clearly at different stages of love. I'm practically head over heels... needlessly and I probably shouldn't be. She's taking this cautiously. Fuck me. I wanna give her so much of myself, but I have to hold it back because there's stuff you don't do while still in the very initial stages of the relationship. But in the middle of a deep relationship, that stuff would be fine.
IE: If we were 2 years in, it would be sweet if I suggested taking her to Abbotsford to view the meteor shower. If we were 1 month in... no, if we weren't even together, and if we were only testing the waters, then it would be viewed as desperate. Why the fuck is that the case? It's lame. So lame. Is it wrong for me to love with all my heart? I only have 1 mode, that's it. It's like my powerlevel is over 9000, but I gotta put a limiter on myself or else all these mortals around me will disintegrate from my pure energy.
I hate that I have to limit myself, but I guess I have to. Maybe my heart has been on my sleeve too long and I gotta grab it back, and conceal it again. This emotional rollercoaster is hard to deal with.
Objective analysis time:
I gave her an option to go with me. She neither had a straight up yes or no.
Interpretation: She wanted to say no, but couldn't do it in a direct way, which resulted in an indirect no.
Why couldn't she say no directly? She's not the direct type.
Why would she say no? A myriad of reasons.
1. She doesn't wanna hang out with me today.
2. She wants to hang out with me, but already made plans with others, and didn't want to include me.
3. She wants to hang out with me, but doesn't want to make it seem like she's too desperate so she said no.
4. She doesn't want to go to Abbotsford, but somewhere closer.
1 = ouch, nothin I can do
2 = she needs more time to know me, and eventually she'll acclimatize me to her friends.
3 = she's not a dating pro, she won't do that move
4 = I'm actually not sure if I interpreted her message right. Maybe she's not in Chilliwack. If she was though, this would not be a valid reason
I did text her at like 1am about the meteor shower, and she practically replied right away...
She's naive. It could just be that she doesn't know the rules, and just texted back cuz it was convenient. She always has her phone with her. If she doesn't text back right away, it's either cuz she's busy, or she is playing the texting game. Either way, she would have read the message immediately. Is there a silver lining from this fact that she msged me back right away? I doubt it.
Overall... bad outcome for today.
Could money have solved this problem? No.
What could have solved this problem? Nothing. I had two choices: Offer her an invite. Not offer her an invite. Outcome of not offering her an invite? Not being able to see the shower with her tonight. Outcome of offering her an invite? A slim possibility of seeing her tonight, seeing a shower together. High possibility of getting a "No". Which is the best outcome? I'd say the second one is, so therefore I made the right choice by offering her an invite to give myself a slim chance of seeing her. I'd take a slim chance over no chance any day. I did the right move today. I should be happy.
Sidenote, spent the majority of the day with my friend. Hard to believe that I once liked her. Had a Pinkberry froyo groupon I would have used on Ms. Zun, but used it on my friend instead. It's fine, cuz she's my friend. Walked around a bit in Metro, then went to Coquitlam to knock on doors for food donations as part of foodshareday.org . We collected 70.5 lbs of food between 3 people, with my froyo friend being one of em. Then I dropped my froyo friend home, and decided to watch the meteor shower with her. Her bro and our mutual guy friend came along, which is fine. I didn't care. Kinda cold windy night. Laid towels on the grass. They all lied down, and I was gonna lie down on my car, when my froyo friend told me to lie down beside her. I'm like, hmmmm, intimate, but sadly, not with Ms. Zun. I lied there beside her, and I thought to myself, there was once a time where I would have relished this moment. But no, not tonight. All I thought about was Ms. Zun. Effing hell. It's like I'm sick, the way I'm afflicted with this disease of my mind. I guess that's why they call it lovesick.
Alright, so what's the battle plan? Date 2 finished, didn't get neg vibes. Date 3 should be a go. I have to plan date 3. This will be tough... to plan something unique. She has money, that Ms. Zun. She prob did more things than I have ever done in my life... except for hiking. I am the king of that domain by a long shot. And I guess scuba. And wine tasting. I guess I have some stuff up my sleeve too. Oh boy I'm tired. It's like almost 3 am. But I gotta type this all out. I just gotta. Or else I wouldn't even be able to fall asleep. This shit bothers me so much.
Side side note: Took pics of me and my two female foodshareday compadres. If Ms. Zun sees it, I hope she gets jelly. Damn, I'm .... what's the word... petty? I dunno, maybe I am. I just hate feeling this way, so helpless and depressed that I can't seem to do anything to move this relationship along. At least the direction of movement is right... but it's hard to tell. I'll spend tonight in bed thinking of what kind of activity I can do with Ms. Zun. Oh yeah, fking today, she's gonna go see the Mythbusters at UBC Alumni Weekend. And I was planning to go with her, but she's going with her friends instead. Fuck, I am sooooo bitter. Sooo choked. I finally realized since I can't be integrated with her friends, I have to grab her on a specific day when she's not hanging out with them, which is rare, because she's always doing something with someone. Fuck me. I'm gonna go pray some more. Lord, help me guide my way. Guide me, show me the path. Show me how I can win Ms. Zun. If you show me I will follow.
Side Side Side Note: Meteor shower was shitty. Didn't see shit. Pinkberry was average.
Let the games continue tomorrow.
It's fine, she prob had plans for tonight's meteor shower. We're clearly at different stages of love. I'm practically head over heels... needlessly and I probably shouldn't be. She's taking this cautiously. Fuck me. I wanna give her so much of myself, but I have to hold it back because there's stuff you don't do while still in the very initial stages of the relationship. But in the middle of a deep relationship, that stuff would be fine.
IE: If we were 2 years in, it would be sweet if I suggested taking her to Abbotsford to view the meteor shower. If we were 1 month in... no, if we weren't even together, and if we were only testing the waters, then it would be viewed as desperate. Why the fuck is that the case? It's lame. So lame. Is it wrong for me to love with all my heart? I only have 1 mode, that's it. It's like my powerlevel is over 9000, but I gotta put a limiter on myself or else all these mortals around me will disintegrate from my pure energy.
I hate that I have to limit myself, but I guess I have to. Maybe my heart has been on my sleeve too long and I gotta grab it back, and conceal it again. This emotional rollercoaster is hard to deal with.
Objective analysis time:
I gave her an option to go with me. She neither had a straight up yes or no.
Interpretation: She wanted to say no, but couldn't do it in a direct way, which resulted in an indirect no.
Why couldn't she say no directly? She's not the direct type.
Why would she say no? A myriad of reasons.
1. She doesn't wanna hang out with me today.
2. She wants to hang out with me, but already made plans with others, and didn't want to include me.
3. She wants to hang out with me, but doesn't want to make it seem like she's too desperate so she said no.
4. She doesn't want to go to Abbotsford, but somewhere closer.
1 = ouch, nothin I can do
2 = she needs more time to know me, and eventually she'll acclimatize me to her friends.
3 = she's not a dating pro, she won't do that move
4 = I'm actually not sure if I interpreted her message right. Maybe she's not in Chilliwack. If she was though, this would not be a valid reason
I did text her at like 1am about the meteor shower, and she practically replied right away...
She's naive. It could just be that she doesn't know the rules, and just texted back cuz it was convenient. She always has her phone with her. If she doesn't text back right away, it's either cuz she's busy, or she is playing the texting game. Either way, she would have read the message immediately. Is there a silver lining from this fact that she msged me back right away? I doubt it.
Overall... bad outcome for today.
Could money have solved this problem? No.
What could have solved this problem? Nothing. I had two choices: Offer her an invite. Not offer her an invite. Outcome of not offering her an invite? Not being able to see the shower with her tonight. Outcome of offering her an invite? A slim possibility of seeing her tonight, seeing a shower together. High possibility of getting a "No". Which is the best outcome? I'd say the second one is, so therefore I made the right choice by offering her an invite to give myself a slim chance of seeing her. I'd take a slim chance over no chance any day. I did the right move today. I should be happy.
Sidenote, spent the majority of the day with my friend. Hard to believe that I once liked her. Had a Pinkberry froyo groupon I would have used on Ms. Zun, but used it on my friend instead. It's fine, cuz she's my friend. Walked around a bit in Metro, then went to Coquitlam to knock on doors for food donations as part of foodshareday.org . We collected 70.5 lbs of food between 3 people, with my froyo friend being one of em. Then I dropped my froyo friend home, and decided to watch the meteor shower with her. Her bro and our mutual guy friend came along, which is fine. I didn't care. Kinda cold windy night. Laid towels on the grass. They all lied down, and I was gonna lie down on my car, when my froyo friend told me to lie down beside her. I'm like, hmmmm, intimate, but sadly, not with Ms. Zun. I lied there beside her, and I thought to myself, there was once a time where I would have relished this moment. But no, not tonight. All I thought about was Ms. Zun. Effing hell. It's like I'm sick, the way I'm afflicted with this disease of my mind. I guess that's why they call it lovesick.
Alright, so what's the battle plan? Date 2 finished, didn't get neg vibes. Date 3 should be a go. I have to plan date 3. This will be tough... to plan something unique. She has money, that Ms. Zun. She prob did more things than I have ever done in my life... except for hiking. I am the king of that domain by a long shot. And I guess scuba. And wine tasting. I guess I have some stuff up my sleeve too. Oh boy I'm tired. It's like almost 3 am. But I gotta type this all out. I just gotta. Or else I wouldn't even be able to fall asleep. This shit bothers me so much.
Side side note: Took pics of me and my two female foodshareday compadres. If Ms. Zun sees it, I hope she gets jelly. Damn, I'm .... what's the word... petty? I dunno, maybe I am. I just hate feeling this way, so helpless and depressed that I can't seem to do anything to move this relationship along. At least the direction of movement is right... but it's hard to tell. I'll spend tonight in bed thinking of what kind of activity I can do with Ms. Zun. Oh yeah, fking today, she's gonna go see the Mythbusters at UBC Alumni Weekend. And I was planning to go with her, but she's going with her friends instead. Fuck, I am sooooo bitter. Sooo choked. I finally realized since I can't be integrated with her friends, I have to grab her on a specific day when she's not hanging out with them, which is rare, because she's always doing something with someone. Fuck me. I'm gonna go pray some more. Lord, help me guide my way. Guide me, show me the path. Show me how I can win Ms. Zun. If you show me I will follow.
Side Side Side Note: Meteor shower was shitty. Didn't see shit. Pinkberry was average.
Let the games continue tomorrow.
Friday, 23 May 2014
The most banal post ever.
Nothing much. Just wanted to say that there is a never-before-seen meteor shower tonight:
http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/183007-tonights-brand-new-meteor-shower-could-turn-into-a-1000-meteors-per-hour-storm
Ms. Zun loves meteor showers, so I asked her if she was available tonight. I mentioned the meteor shower, then I mentioned if she was free tonight from like 11pm to 1am. I'm pretty sure anyone can figure out that I'm asking her out to see the meteor shower. My plan is to drive her down to McDonald Park in Abbotsford. It's a Dark Sky Park, and basically by law, they limit the light there for astronomical reasons. Favourite place for casual astronomers to go to observer meteor showers.
I predict that she won't answer me all day. It's how things are sometimes. I think I could have asked her in a better way, now that I think about it, but it's too late now. The message is sent. The better way I think would be something like, " So, are you going to see the meteor shower with your friends tonight, or are you gonna skip tonight?" If she says she'll skip, then I could ask her if she wanted to go with me. If she says she will go with her friends, then I'd be like, have fun. The way I asked her was indirect... too indirect... too pussy. It's like I'm giving her a chance to say no. But I think I should give her a chance to say no. I don't want to pressure her into being with me if she doesn't want to... right? But what kind of mindset is that? Oh, I don't know if she wants to be with me. I don't know if she has fun with me. I should be thinking, I'm da shit. Of course she has fun with me, and of course she wants to be with me. I don't know if that way of thinking is thinking with confidence, or just being plain cocky. I have to keep it in a balance.
But I can't go back on this invite, and the way I invited her. It'll probably not go through. But, I think I did the right thing by proactively inviting her out. Like, she won't make the move, ever. So it's up to me to keep on bringing her out with me to places and for me to arrange times for us to spend together. Better to try and fail than to not try at all, am I right? I think I'm right.
And as long as I keep making the right decisions day by day, I can't blame myself if things fail, because if I've done the best I can to control the controllables, IE: my own actions, then it's not my fault if stuff goes wrong.
Anyway, we'll see how the game pans out.
And also, I promised my sweet Lord that if things work out with me and this Ms. Zun, and if we end up being together... I'm converting. LOL.
http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/183007-tonights-brand-new-meteor-shower-could-turn-into-a-1000-meteors-per-hour-storm
Ms. Zun loves meteor showers, so I asked her if she was available tonight. I mentioned the meteor shower, then I mentioned if she was free tonight from like 11pm to 1am. I'm pretty sure anyone can figure out that I'm asking her out to see the meteor shower. My plan is to drive her down to McDonald Park in Abbotsford. It's a Dark Sky Park, and basically by law, they limit the light there for astronomical reasons. Favourite place for casual astronomers to go to observer meteor showers.I predict that she won't answer me all day. It's how things are sometimes. I think I could have asked her in a better way, now that I think about it, but it's too late now. The message is sent. The better way I think would be something like, " So, are you going to see the meteor shower with your friends tonight, or are you gonna skip tonight?" If she says she'll skip, then I could ask her if she wanted to go with me. If she says she will go with her friends, then I'd be like, have fun. The way I asked her was indirect... too indirect... too pussy. It's like I'm giving her a chance to say no. But I think I should give her a chance to say no. I don't want to pressure her into being with me if she doesn't want to... right? But what kind of mindset is that? Oh, I don't know if she wants to be with me. I don't know if she has fun with me. I should be thinking, I'm da shit. Of course she has fun with me, and of course she wants to be with me. I don't know if that way of thinking is thinking with confidence, or just being plain cocky. I have to keep it in a balance.
But I can't go back on this invite, and the way I invited her. It'll probably not go through. But, I think I did the right thing by proactively inviting her out. Like, she won't make the move, ever. So it's up to me to keep on bringing her out with me to places and for me to arrange times for us to spend together. Better to try and fail than to not try at all, am I right? I think I'm right.
And as long as I keep making the right decisions day by day, I can't blame myself if things fail, because if I've done the best I can to control the controllables, IE: my own actions, then it's not my fault if stuff goes wrong.
Anyway, we'll see how the game pans out.
And also, I promised my sweet Lord that if things work out with me and this Ms. Zun, and if we end up being together... I'm converting. LOL.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Second date went well... so why am I depressed?
Dear Diary, (lol at the rate I'm going, might as well just treat this blog as a diary for now...)
Today I went on a second date with Ms. Zun. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was sunny, but it wasn't super hot. The sun's rays felt subdued in terms of heat, but it was very bright all the same. So I drove to her house, and lo and behold, I arrived at 10:00 am exactly. Another sign maybe God exists, I dunno. I haven't been praying to Him lately, but I should. I should talk to Him more. I wonder if my prayers can be in the form of a blog on the internet, like this one. Like, can I be like, dear God, thanks for the wonderful weather and my timely arrival to Ms. Zun's house. Will God hear my electronic message? I'm thinking, since God isn't physical, then God wouldn't rly need to hear my spoken prayer right?
Anyway, so yes, timely arrival right at 10 sharp to Ms. Zun's place. Picked her up from her multi-million dollar home, which by the way, wasn't really a mansion. That house would only be $1 mil max in Langley... maxxxx. It's only worth $4 mil or so because of the location, which is like a stone's throw from a major mall in Vancouver. We drove and talked, no awkward silences or anything. Arrived at Lighthouse Park, and did the same trails I did with my friends last time. What surprised me was that Ms. Zun initiated in taking a selfie with me. Pretty much in my head, I was like, yeah, I don't know if she wants to take a pic with me. She might not be ready to have pics with some dude and show to her friends. So I just forgot about it, and I started to walk away from a viewpoint back down to the trail, when she said, wait come back here, and then told me let's take a selfie.
Logically speaking, a person would want to take a picture so they can look back at the view in a future time, so they can remember the moment when the pic was taken. So if my logic is sound, then would that mean Ms. Zun wanted to take a pic with me so she can remember today? It would be cool if that was the case. She didn't take a pic of just me though... and I only took 1 pic of just her. I didn't post it on FB yet, just in case she doesn't want to be seen on my feed.
We sat down at another view point, and had a snack of salsa and chips. Talked about a lot of things. Man, Ms. Zun had such a... fortunate and hung fook childhood. She recalled experiences in like India, Dubai, Malaysia, China... All vacations with her family. Her parents go on vacations 4 times a year. My parents went on 4 vacations in their lifetime. We come from such different worlds, it's hilarious how we ended up sitting on the same rock, sharing the same bag of chips, looking at the same view that day.
Aha, I think I know why I'm depressed. Ms. Zun has lived such a great life thus far, and of course, being the guy that I am, I want to be able to provide the same life for her in the future. And that means I have to elevate myself to the point where I can afford a multi million dollar home and have 4 vacations a year. Fuck. How does one even do that? I'm no doctor. Hell, doctors can't even make that much after tax deductions and shit. Yes, there is a linear correlation between the amount of expletives I use and the amount of emotions I feel. With a biochemistry degree, I have to somehow find a way to make that much money. How the hell can I do that. I wish there was a visible path I can follow. If someone tells me there is a guaranteed path for financial success, I'd slave myself towards that. I dunno, maybe I'm all talk. If I truly walk how I talk, I wouldn't be stuck with this disgusting 75.5% average. Fucking hell. What am I suppose to do with an average like that. No Master's program will consider me seriously. All I can go into is like BCIT or something for nursing or whatnot. And I'm already behind, because people can go into nursing right out of highschool. I use to think lowly of my highschool friends who went into nursing at BCIT instead of going to UBC. How fucking STUPID I was back then. Holy shit, how did I even survive back then. How was I so stupid?
This is certainly a battle of titanic proportions. A David vs Goliath kind of thing. Me, a young man with a biochem degree with a shitty average, son to parents who are hard working as fuck, but not necessarily all that wealthy compared to the 1% of Vancouver, graduating with no plan at all, vs Ms. Zun, a lovely lady who has a pretty decent average of about 81-82%, smart, daughter of parents who are probably in the top 0.5%, well on her way of landing a program that will land her a job that pays $80k easy.
How am I suppose to win this battle? What am I not seeing? It's so frustrating. I feel like a tiger stuck in a cage. Well, I guess the first thing I could do is to stop doing useless shit like typing this blog, but I think if I don't list out my thoughts, I'd just go crazy. Besides, I think this helps me lay down my thoughts in a concrete fashion so I can examine it.
What it boils down to is that me and Ms. Zun comes from very different socioeconomic classes. She just simply doesn't get any life besides the affluent one. It's not her fault. Oh, important side note, I don't hate Ms. Zun. Not at all. I'm not jealous of her affluence, well, her parent's affluence. I'm not jealous of her fortunate life growing up. Well, maybe a tad, I'll be honest here. I sometimes think to myself, how would my life turn out if I was born into an affluent family? Will I be fucking brilliant? I don't know. I have a feeling that I'd end up being useless and game all day. I am what I am today because I have this terrible, TERRIBLE want/lust for financial success. I wouldn't have this lust if I was born into a wealthy family.
Which is why Ms. Zun is amazing. She can remain so sensible, and remain so unmaterialistic, despite circumstances that favors a character development of materialism and princess syndrome. In her shoes, I probably would have turned out like shit. She's a strong girl, she is.
Back to the original topic. I'm srsly having self doubts. I always thought I was the shit. I'm confident, and I carry myself with confidence. I give no shit about what other's think. Well, give not a lot of shit. But this Ms. Zun makes me aim high, so high in fact that I'm scared. I'm scared I can't reach there. I know so many ppl who seem to have their life together, and who seem like they are destined to make a decent sum. Why am I the only one who's clueless? What can I do to uncover a path for myself?
Ugh, it always comes down to money.
Anyway, so I gave her my gift of 0.3mm pens, which I was gonna give her for her last final, but that date didn't happen. She was appreciative, so I'm pretty sure I scored some points. Then we walked back, and went to Milestones for a meal. I secretly prepaid for the entire meal, so she can't even pay, even if she wanted to. I said it was her birthday meal, so it was my treat. She seemed mad though before I said it was because of her birthday, so I am def not gonna pull that stunt again hahaha. Anyway, dropped her off again, didn't hug her, again, and just before she left, I handed her a poem I wrote, and I was like, yo wait a minute, here's something else for your birthday. Don't open it until your birthday.
The poem's pretty sick, I gotta admit. I'm proud of what I wrote. 15 4-line stanzas of ABAB rhyme pattern. I think this is the right move, because her curiosity of the contents would probably put me subconsciously in her mind until at least June 1st. That's like free a week and a half of attention without me doing anything. Good return on investment lol.
Let the games continue...
Today I went on a second date with Ms. Zun. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was sunny, but it wasn't super hot. The sun's rays felt subdued in terms of heat, but it was very bright all the same. So I drove to her house, and lo and behold, I arrived at 10:00 am exactly. Another sign maybe God exists, I dunno. I haven't been praying to Him lately, but I should. I should talk to Him more. I wonder if my prayers can be in the form of a blog on the internet, like this one. Like, can I be like, dear God, thanks for the wonderful weather and my timely arrival to Ms. Zun's house. Will God hear my electronic message? I'm thinking, since God isn't physical, then God wouldn't rly need to hear my spoken prayer right?
Anyway, so yes, timely arrival right at 10 sharp to Ms. Zun's place. Picked her up from her multi-million dollar home, which by the way, wasn't really a mansion. That house would only be $1 mil max in Langley... maxxxx. It's only worth $4 mil or so because of the location, which is like a stone's throw from a major mall in Vancouver. We drove and talked, no awkward silences or anything. Arrived at Lighthouse Park, and did the same trails I did with my friends last time. What surprised me was that Ms. Zun initiated in taking a selfie with me. Pretty much in my head, I was like, yeah, I don't know if she wants to take a pic with me. She might not be ready to have pics with some dude and show to her friends. So I just forgot about it, and I started to walk away from a viewpoint back down to the trail, when she said, wait come back here, and then told me let's take a selfie.
Logically speaking, a person would want to take a picture so they can look back at the view in a future time, so they can remember the moment when the pic was taken. So if my logic is sound, then would that mean Ms. Zun wanted to take a pic with me so she can remember today? It would be cool if that was the case. She didn't take a pic of just me though... and I only took 1 pic of just her. I didn't post it on FB yet, just in case she doesn't want to be seen on my feed.
We sat down at another view point, and had a snack of salsa and chips. Talked about a lot of things. Man, Ms. Zun had such a... fortunate and hung fook childhood. She recalled experiences in like India, Dubai, Malaysia, China... All vacations with her family. Her parents go on vacations 4 times a year. My parents went on 4 vacations in their lifetime. We come from such different worlds, it's hilarious how we ended up sitting on the same rock, sharing the same bag of chips, looking at the same view that day.
Aha, I think I know why I'm depressed. Ms. Zun has lived such a great life thus far, and of course, being the guy that I am, I want to be able to provide the same life for her in the future. And that means I have to elevate myself to the point where I can afford a multi million dollar home and have 4 vacations a year. Fuck. How does one even do that? I'm no doctor. Hell, doctors can't even make that much after tax deductions and shit. Yes, there is a linear correlation between the amount of expletives I use and the amount of emotions I feel. With a biochemistry degree, I have to somehow find a way to make that much money. How the hell can I do that. I wish there was a visible path I can follow. If someone tells me there is a guaranteed path for financial success, I'd slave myself towards that. I dunno, maybe I'm all talk. If I truly walk how I talk, I wouldn't be stuck with this disgusting 75.5% average. Fucking hell. What am I suppose to do with an average like that. No Master's program will consider me seriously. All I can go into is like BCIT or something for nursing or whatnot. And I'm already behind, because people can go into nursing right out of highschool. I use to think lowly of my highschool friends who went into nursing at BCIT instead of going to UBC. How fucking STUPID I was back then. Holy shit, how did I even survive back then. How was I so stupid?
This is certainly a battle of titanic proportions. A David vs Goliath kind of thing. Me, a young man with a biochem degree with a shitty average, son to parents who are hard working as fuck, but not necessarily all that wealthy compared to the 1% of Vancouver, graduating with no plan at all, vs Ms. Zun, a lovely lady who has a pretty decent average of about 81-82%, smart, daughter of parents who are probably in the top 0.5%, well on her way of landing a program that will land her a job that pays $80k easy.
How am I suppose to win this battle? What am I not seeing? It's so frustrating. I feel like a tiger stuck in a cage. Well, I guess the first thing I could do is to stop doing useless shit like typing this blog, but I think if I don't list out my thoughts, I'd just go crazy. Besides, I think this helps me lay down my thoughts in a concrete fashion so I can examine it.
What it boils down to is that me and Ms. Zun comes from very different socioeconomic classes. She just simply doesn't get any life besides the affluent one. It's not her fault. Oh, important side note, I don't hate Ms. Zun. Not at all. I'm not jealous of her affluence, well, her parent's affluence. I'm not jealous of her fortunate life growing up. Well, maybe a tad, I'll be honest here. I sometimes think to myself, how would my life turn out if I was born into an affluent family? Will I be fucking brilliant? I don't know. I have a feeling that I'd end up being useless and game all day. I am what I am today because I have this terrible, TERRIBLE want/lust for financial success. I wouldn't have this lust if I was born into a wealthy family.
Which is why Ms. Zun is amazing. She can remain so sensible, and remain so unmaterialistic, despite circumstances that favors a character development of materialism and princess syndrome. In her shoes, I probably would have turned out like shit. She's a strong girl, she is.
Back to the original topic. I'm srsly having self doubts. I always thought I was the shit. I'm confident, and I carry myself with confidence. I give no shit about what other's think. Well, give not a lot of shit. But this Ms. Zun makes me aim high, so high in fact that I'm scared. I'm scared I can't reach there. I know so many ppl who seem to have their life together, and who seem like they are destined to make a decent sum. Why am I the only one who's clueless? What can I do to uncover a path for myself?
Ugh, it always comes down to money.
Anyway, so I gave her my gift of 0.3mm pens, which I was gonna give her for her last final, but that date didn't happen. She was appreciative, so I'm pretty sure I scored some points. Then we walked back, and went to Milestones for a meal. I secretly prepaid for the entire meal, so she can't even pay, even if she wanted to. I said it was her birthday meal, so it was my treat. She seemed mad though before I said it was because of her birthday, so I am def not gonna pull that stunt again hahaha. Anyway, dropped her off again, didn't hug her, again, and just before she left, I handed her a poem I wrote, and I was like, yo wait a minute, here's something else for your birthday. Don't open it until your birthday.
The poem's pretty sick, I gotta admit. I'm proud of what I wrote. 15 4-line stanzas of ABAB rhyme pattern. I think this is the right move, because her curiosity of the contents would probably put me subconsciously in her mind until at least June 1st. That's like free a week and a half of attention without me doing anything. Good return on investment lol.
Let the games continue...
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Tmrw: 2nd Date
Lol it seems like all I've been doing is just making posts whenever I get rly happy or rly sad, or when I just experience strong emotion in general due to Ms. Zun. I'm sure I'll post some useful crap once in a while as well.
Just a little more, Ms. Zun's house is multi million (2.1 when purchased) and is like 10-20 mins away from all the malls in Vancouver/Richmond. It's prob worth like 3-4 mil now, since 2.1 was the forclosed price. I find it amazing that being raised in such affluence, my Ms. Zun can still be so sensible (I think, nothing is known as fact just yet, it's just my interpretation of the limited interactions with her/ her words) and mature, as oppose to suffering from uber princess syndrome. Haha, I'm kinda ashamed that I'm pulling up to a house like that in a $16k Jetta TDI. Juuuust kiding. I am not ashamed, and I have no reason to be.
This is straight up like a Disney fairy tale where a poor pauper fell in love with a wealthy princess. Somehow, I gotta also make this a happy ending as well.
Some cool notes:
-she told me her house address
This is straight up like a Disney fairy tale where a poor pauper fell in love with a wealthy princess. Somehow, I gotta also make this a happy ending as well.
Some cool notes:
-she told me her house address
-I can pick her up
This conveys that she trusts me... a fair bit. Not bad for the 2nd date, considering the first date, she didn't even let me drive her.
Some crappy notes:
I was like, so yeah, bout tmrw, we're going hiking right? (Of course not that blatant, I asked in a very salesman round about way to make it seem like I'm not desperate to go tmrw). She's like, oh, I almost forgot about that.
Dammnnnn ouch. Obvs if she was head over heals about me, as soon as I said, "Yo, since you can't do Thursday, lets do next Wednesday." She'd remember it for sure. Since she forgot, that means I got more work to do...
Alright, let's end this with ME, 화이팅!!!
Friday, 16 May 2014
"Volunteering" - the most misleading term ever
This is just me letting off some steam. Volunteering is to willingly work at an organization without being paid. And I thought, growing up, that volunteering is "voluntary", because that's the root of the word. So I never bothered to volunteer in highschool, and in university. I thought that the experience I get from working would be similar to experiences gotten from volunteering. And in a way... it's true. You improve your interpersonal skills no matter if you're working or if you're volunteering. But I have found out too late that if you want to get into health care related fields, you'd have to volunteer. It's mandatory. Volunteering is involuntary and compulsory, which goes entirely against the spirit of volunteering. Like, volunteering should be done with the intent of helping people without any personal gain. But if entering the health care field is set up in such a way that it makes volunteering a requirement to get into public health care programs, then people would volunteer with the intent of making it into the programs they want to join, and not necessarily with the intent to help people.
Don't get me wrong, there are nice people out there who volunteer for the right reasons, and they get into med school or whatnot for the right reasons. But there are also those who volunteer for the sake of getting into programs, and not to help people. I must say, now that I look back on it, I'd probably be a wrong person to enter the public health field... I think. I'm not sure. I'm certainly a kind person... but I don't know if you can call me selfless in that I'll be willing to help anyone. I'm selfless for my family, and maybe my close friends, but I certainly won't give much thought about the troubles of strangers, which is basically the spirit of public health, right? Public health requires you to be concerned for the well being of strangers. And I guess since I haven't volunteered, I don't know the degree of my concern for the misfortunes of people I don't know.
But whatever the case is, no one told me volunteering was a must to get into the public health field, so now I'm like a fish out of water if I want to pursue that field. I've still got the pharmaceutical business/sales, and I still got bioinformatics. I'm not exactly dead yet, and I'll keep fighting for myself and for the person I'll eventually marry.
Don't get me wrong, there are nice people out there who volunteer for the right reasons, and they get into med school or whatnot for the right reasons. But there are also those who volunteer for the sake of getting into programs, and not to help people. I must say, now that I look back on it, I'd probably be a wrong person to enter the public health field... I think. I'm not sure. I'm certainly a kind person... but I don't know if you can call me selfless in that I'll be willing to help anyone. I'm selfless for my family, and maybe my close friends, but I certainly won't give much thought about the troubles of strangers, which is basically the spirit of public health, right? Public health requires you to be concerned for the well being of strangers. And I guess since I haven't volunteered, I don't know the degree of my concern for the misfortunes of people I don't know.
But whatever the case is, no one told me volunteering was a must to get into the public health field, so now I'm like a fish out of water if I want to pursue that field. I've still got the pharmaceutical business/sales, and I still got bioinformatics. I'm not exactly dead yet, and I'll keep fighting for myself and for the person I'll eventually marry.
And the roller coaster continues...
Well, good news is that from yesterday's conversation, she doesn't exactly never want to see me again. She was talking about her OT meeting, and her advisor wants Ms. Zun to volunteer at a ranch for kids who have serious mental and physical illnesses, and she told me to go join her. Made me kind of feel good, the fact that she wanted me to go with her. I'm sure this gesture is genuine, because there was no need for her to lie like that. If she didn't want me to go with her, then she would have just told me about her opportunity, and leave it at that.The sad thing is, I haven't volunteered for a single second of my life, and I definitely am not qualified for this ranch volunteering experience. I mean, I don't have any experience with taking care of kids, let alone kids with serious mental and physical illnesses. What if one of em dies in my experienced hands? So as much as I want to do this with her, I can't, and I don't think I should.
Overall, developments are turning out okay. It definitely feels like a one way street when it comes to who's courting who. I'm definitely making most of the effort in terms of engaging in conversation and setting up dates. It's not that I mind being the proactive one, but I just hope that she'll reciprocate my feelings one day. I guess I can view my efforts as a long term investment with no guaranteed return on investment. Lol, financially, I'd never invest my money into something like that. But feelings and emotion makes people do strange, strange things.
Lastly, I've always been telling myself, "Yo, you've been too proactive mang. You need to calm the hell down and wait for her to engage you once in a while..." but I never do. As soon as she replies back, I get excited, and I reply back within 30 mins. I don't have the discipline to not message her for a day. I think maybe I won't message her today. And since I'm going to Mt. Baker, I'll msg her after I come back to Canada on Tuesday. Hopefully this five day period of silence from me will catalyze this process of courtship for the better. Either she realizes that she misses talking to me, and therefore realizes that maybe she is developing feelings for me, or she realizes that she didn't miss me that much, and will lose interest in me... boy, I really hate mind games.
Hmmmm, maybe I should say something impressionable to her today to make her think of me during my absence. But maybe if I do this, I'll seem too desperate, and it will be counter to what I want. Maybe if I don't say anything her today, it will make her wonder why, and she'll keep wondering until I come back from Mt. Baker. I'm kind of leaning towards the second option, because I'll juxtapose my seemingly lack of thought for her through not talking to her today and not saying goodbye with an act of thoughtfulness by getting something for her from the states... probably candy/chocolate, because most girls like chocolate. The contrast will surprise her and further heighten my gift when we meet up again on Wednesday...So somehow I gotta get Jack to stop by a Walmart so I can pick up some snacks for Ms. Zun, which means I have to convince Jack to drive through the Pacific Border Crossing instead of the Sumas crossing. Sumas is like a deserted ghost town; they don't have a Walmart or Walgreen or anything where I can get snacks. Sighhhh.
Anyway, some non-Ms. Zun related news, been hiking a lot lately. Got lots and lots of nice pics too. I love bringing friends hiking, because we all can get back with nature, and we can all spend some quality time together and chatting, free from technological distractions. There's this girl... let's call her 유냈스. She's friends with my other friend for a year now. They go to the same church. My friend was interested in 유냈스, and so whenever she joined our hikes, I try to be a good wingman and either remove myself from the picture, or take down other people with me, leaving them two alone.
First hike was kinda like a double date of sorts, except that I was definitely not interested in the 2nd girl, but I still talked to her alot just to remove myself and this 2nd girl from the picture, giving my friend and 유냈스 time alone to talk. Yesterday was another hike, and this time it was even harder. It was only me, my friend, and 유냈스. And this 유냈스 is pretty white washed, and has Caucasian mannerisms. She is quite chatty, while my friend is kind of the more stoic, silent, thinking type. And as for me, I'm chatty when I want to be. So she was talking to me alot, and all that time I was just nodding along, and giving appropriate responses once in a while, but I was thinking, hmmmm, how can I involve my friend into this conversation? It was hard! And during the hike, I basically either trailed behind, or led the way, trying to give them two space. When we sat down and took a break, I just kinda booked it and said I was exploring, and gave them time to themselves. I tried, my 친구, I tried. Hopefully he'll make a move on her. She's actually pretty, sensible, and single, and I think she'll be good for my friend. I kept on nudging him along and coerce him to ask her out, but he won't lol.
So now what? I'm going to work on another post, and talk about beauty and dating. I'll double check my packing for Mt. Baker, play some piano, and learn some Korean. And of course, try my best to get my mind off Ms. Zun, but it's a tall order.
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Lol
Lol. Thought everything was going well. Good feedback from Ms. Zun about my lil prix fixe menu. Thought the date was gonna be on Thursday.
Msged her this evening. She responds back pretty quickly, then for my subsequent msgs she responds like 2 hours later...
...saying that Thursday is cancelled because she has piano kids to teach.
Objectively, most of this is understandable. She claimed she was busy Mon/Tues. So if she was, she wouldn't have been able to teach her kids, and it would make sense for her to shift her students to Thurs and Fri. Subjectively...
Sigh. I'm use to it now. It's pretty much become SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). I say something, especially something to do with dating, or something sweet, she doesn't respond right away anymore. Pretty much responds the next day. And even when I do organize stuff, she says she's busy.
I'll treat this as a test. A test of my will and determination. At the end of the day, it won't matter if I succeed in dating her or not. Well, it would matter, if I determine that she is the person I think she is. But what's more important, I can look back and be proud of the effort I put in for pursuing her.
EDIT: Said something else to her, and she disappeared on me again. Objectively, this is what happens:
1. She messages me back. She appears to have the green circle, indicating she's online.
2. I respond to her message. I give a good 3-4 msg bubbles worth of response.
3. *Poof* Her green dot turns into a grey dot, indicating that she either turned off the chat on me, or she logged off herself. The time it takes for her dot to turn grey is about 30 seconds to 1 minute after I message her.
4. There is a period of time where she doesn't respond. This period lasts anywhere from 1-2 hours to like 8-10 hours.
5. She responds. Rinse and repeat cycle.
Sometimes, the loop breaks where we manage to have a back and forth convo. We use to have a lot of that, but lately, ever since the first date, things have changed. I don't even know why. I haven't done anything differently. All I've done is to flirt lightly here and there. Objectively (I always use the word objectively, and it may seem overused, but I believe in logical thinking, and logical thinking is thinking void of emotions, and using only objective observations void of personal interpretation, so whenever I try to logically deduce something, I try and rid myself of emotions, and I let my readers know I'm doing so by saying "so objectively....") I think there is a greater deviation of behaviour on her end compared to on my end. My changes in behaviour just included a gradual increase in flirtatious messages, and an increase in saying sweet things, things I want to say, but would have held back had I not confessed to her that I like her.
Example: So she said she's sorry for being such a downer these days; she's been telling me how her friends annoy her because her friends seem like they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and that it disgusts her when her friends say stuff like, "Ehr mah gerd I can't even put sushi from X Restaurant without gagging." (Sidenote: what kind of spoiled brat would say that?)((Side side note: Ms. Zun was born into an affluent family, but she's not spoiled, and that's one of the reasons why I like her). She also said that someone said something that reminded her of her grandmother, who's passed away. For the record, I don't mind at all that she's sharing this with me. I want to be there for her, so the more she shares with me, the better.
My response to her calling herself a downer was something along the lines of, "I don't think you're a downer. And even if you were, I actually don't mind at all, because that just means I have to try harder to bring smiles to your face on Thursday." Boom, 10 points to GRYFFINDOR YO.
I'm just getting so tired... but I'll endure on. Lol, I fking sound like I'm Ghandi or something. This is ridiculous. My life should not be this affected by someone. The Dr. Spock in me is just shaking his head at myself... Man, 10 points from Gryffindor for letting this one girl mess me up like this.
Msged her this evening. She responds back pretty quickly, then for my subsequent msgs she responds like 2 hours later...
...saying that Thursday is cancelled because she has piano kids to teach.
Objectively, most of this is understandable. She claimed she was busy Mon/Tues. So if she was, she wouldn't have been able to teach her kids, and it would make sense for her to shift her students to Thurs and Fri. Subjectively...
Sigh. I'm use to it now. It's pretty much become SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). I say something, especially something to do with dating, or something sweet, she doesn't respond right away anymore. Pretty much responds the next day. And even when I do organize stuff, she says she's busy.
I'll treat this as a test. A test of my will and determination. At the end of the day, it won't matter if I succeed in dating her or not. Well, it would matter, if I determine that she is the person I think she is. But what's more important, I can look back and be proud of the effort I put in for pursuing her.
EDIT: Said something else to her, and she disappeared on me again. Objectively, this is what happens:
1. She messages me back. She appears to have the green circle, indicating she's online.
2. I respond to her message. I give a good 3-4 msg bubbles worth of response.
3. *Poof* Her green dot turns into a grey dot, indicating that she either turned off the chat on me, or she logged off herself. The time it takes for her dot to turn grey is about 30 seconds to 1 minute after I message her.
4. There is a period of time where she doesn't respond. This period lasts anywhere from 1-2 hours to like 8-10 hours.
5. She responds. Rinse and repeat cycle.
Sometimes, the loop breaks where we manage to have a back and forth convo. We use to have a lot of that, but lately, ever since the first date, things have changed. I don't even know why. I haven't done anything differently. All I've done is to flirt lightly here and there. Objectively (I always use the word objectively, and it may seem overused, but I believe in logical thinking, and logical thinking is thinking void of emotions, and using only objective observations void of personal interpretation, so whenever I try to logically deduce something, I try and rid myself of emotions, and I let my readers know I'm doing so by saying "so objectively....") I think there is a greater deviation of behaviour on her end compared to on my end. My changes in behaviour just included a gradual increase in flirtatious messages, and an increase in saying sweet things, things I want to say, but would have held back had I not confessed to her that I like her.
Example: So she said she's sorry for being such a downer these days; she's been telling me how her friends annoy her because her friends seem like they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and that it disgusts her when her friends say stuff like, "Ehr mah gerd I can't even put sushi from X Restaurant without gagging." (Sidenote: what kind of spoiled brat would say that?)((Side side note: Ms. Zun was born into an affluent family, but she's not spoiled, and that's one of the reasons why I like her). She also said that someone said something that reminded her of her grandmother, who's passed away. For the record, I don't mind at all that she's sharing this with me. I want to be there for her, so the more she shares with me, the better.
My response to her calling herself a downer was something along the lines of, "I don't think you're a downer. And even if you were, I actually don't mind at all, because that just means I have to try harder to bring smiles to your face on Thursday." Boom, 10 points to GRYFFINDOR YO.
I'm just getting so tired... but I'll endure on. Lol, I fking sound like I'm Ghandi or something. This is ridiculous. My life should not be this affected by someone. The Dr. Spock in me is just shaking his head at myself... Man, 10 points from Gryffindor for letting this one girl mess me up like this.
Monday, 12 May 2014
Game on again... for now.
Even though Ms. Zun is playing some sort of game, or doing some sort of maneuver that is making my life hell right now, she agreed (against her better judgement, maybe? That's what it sorta kinda felt like), for a second date. Now, this is just a really loose interpretation. Basically I was like, free Mon or Tues for dinner or coffee? She said she was busy these two days, but should be free Thursday. I've done enough SouthWestern to know a blow off when I see one, and this is like a textbook blow off, so I'm not getting my hopes up too high.I decided to be a little creative and create a "prix fixe menu" for her to let her build her own date, so to speak. Gave her a choice to drive, or I drive, or get to the nature walk in separate cars. Gave her 3 choices for nature hikes, and they're all easy 1.5-2 hour walks. Super super super easy. Then I gave her a choice of 3 different eateries for after.
I don't know where we are in terms of relationship-wise. Obvs I'm barely BARELY thawing her icy shield. I don't even know how my progress is. It feels like driving in a dense fog with no headlights. I'm just going forward, but I can't tell where I'm going or how fast I'm going. I ain't gonna press on the brakes though. That's what losers do. I'm gonna keep on striving to melt her ice, until I break through, or until she tells me to fuck off, basically. So for now, I just gotta assume things are going well, and I just gotta assume we're at the stage where we can go for a hike in the sun without her having to worry that I'm gonna take her into the woods and stab her or something. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't suspect such a thing though... I mean, I uploaded sooooo many Facebook pics of me going hiking with girls and guys, and none of my friends ended up dead, and no one wrote on my wall complaining that I tried to kill them...
I'm pretty satisfied with my overall performance thus far. If it doesn't work out, I tried my best, and the "fault" would lie on her, rather than myself. I will still love me, and that's super important. Of course, I might not be satisfied with where I am in life, and I'd probably vow to improve myself, just like how I vow now everyday to improve myself. Even though I want to change, I still love me because I have the strength and determination to strive for the change.In life, if you have no cheerleaders rooting for you, you gotta be your own cheerleader. #foreveralone #nahjkIgotfriends
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Infinite Banking Concept/Life Insurance Tutorial
Almost gonna sleep. Rinsing my mouth with salt water, so I got a minute or two to type out a short summary of my morning meeting today. The corporation is Bloom Strategies, and they specialize in a system called the infinite banking concept. Basically the gist is that you don't have to borrow from the bank. You take out a loan against your whole life policy, and finance your life that way. Apparently the dividends paid by the whole life policy is higher than that of GICs and even bonds if you hold your money in banks, and the dividends will never fluctuate with the market. Gonna investigate some more and I'll get back to you all whether this is worth your time checking out or not.
EDIT: Had a chat with Jack yesterday, and it was very very enlightening. Basically when one gets an insurance policy, one can choose from different types. Three big ones are participating whole life, universal whole life, and term policy insurance.
Term policy is good when you don't need life insurance for that long. But the bad thing is, once you stop paying, your protection is gone. So term is good if you have a huge mortgage, and you don't want your family to have to deal with it if you die, so you get the term policy until you pay off the mortgage, then you cancel the term policy. The term policy is the cheapest for short term protection.
Universal Life is basically paying some premiums per year (aka a set amount of money) for 20 years, or however many years the contract states. The money you put in is then put into investment vehicles of your choice, like TFSA, mutual funds, ETFs, etc. Your policy will have a cash value based on the premiums you put in, and your policy will also have a death benefit as well. The good thing about this approach is that if you play your investments right, you can finish paying off the premiums in like 5 years. The bad thing is that if you don't play your cards right, then you lose a shit tonne of money, just like for regular investment portfolios. How this loss of money affects the policy, I don't know.
Participating Whole Life is when you leave the investing up to the insurance company, and in this case, it's Equitable Life. They have a participating whole life policy that historically paid up to 10% a year, and has been steadily dropping until 6.8% for this year. The returns are not guaranteed. Jack told me since part of the spread of the investment is in bonds, and since the bonds have been dropping til like 1% now, that is a reason for why the dividends declared dropped from 10% to 6.8%. And since bonds can't go negative (unless your country is in deep, deep shit), and since the dividends declared is based off of the companies return on investments, which is in turn partly based on bond performance, the dividends declared should not drop more than 6.8%.
We crunched some numbers for a Male Age 25, Non-Smoker:
Participating Whole Life:
$1200/yr for 20 years
Cash value after 20 years: 28,722
Death Benefit after 20 years: 115,628
Total Paid after 20 years: 24,000
Cash value after 40 years: 103,949
Death Benefit after 40 years: 195,660
Total Paid after 40 years: 24,000 (no change)
Compare this with T-10 (10 year term policy)
T-10
$17/$45/$87/$205 per month per 10 years, starting from age 26,36,46,56.
Cash value after 20 years: 0
Death Benefit after 20 years: 250,000
Total Paid after 20 years: 744
Cash value after 40 years: 0
Death Benefit after 40 years: 250,000
Total Paid after 40 years: 4281
I don't have the numbers for after the age of 85, but I think I remember some policies don't cover past the age of 85, and other policies charge ridic prices of like 1k/month for ppl over the age of 85.
So from initial inspection, you'd pay $20k less for term insurance over 40 years, AND you'd have a bigger death benefit, but you don't get a cash value for your policy, thus you can't use it to borrow from the bank.
And how infinite banking really works is just that you use the cash value of your whole life policy as collateral to borrow from the bank. The bank charges you 4% interest for the loan, but your whole life policy makes 6.8%, thus there is an arbitrage opportunity of sorts, where you'd still gain (or at least break even, assuming that the gain just offsets inflation), even when you get a loan from the bank.
EDIT: Had a chat with Jack yesterday, and it was very very enlightening. Basically when one gets an insurance policy, one can choose from different types. Three big ones are participating whole life, universal whole life, and term policy insurance.
Term policy is good when you don't need life insurance for that long. But the bad thing is, once you stop paying, your protection is gone. So term is good if you have a huge mortgage, and you don't want your family to have to deal with it if you die, so you get the term policy until you pay off the mortgage, then you cancel the term policy. The term policy is the cheapest for short term protection.
Universal Life is basically paying some premiums per year (aka a set amount of money) for 20 years, or however many years the contract states. The money you put in is then put into investment vehicles of your choice, like TFSA, mutual funds, ETFs, etc. Your policy will have a cash value based on the premiums you put in, and your policy will also have a death benefit as well. The good thing about this approach is that if you play your investments right, you can finish paying off the premiums in like 5 years. The bad thing is that if you don't play your cards right, then you lose a shit tonne of money, just like for regular investment portfolios. How this loss of money affects the policy, I don't know.
Participating Whole Life is when you leave the investing up to the insurance company, and in this case, it's Equitable Life. They have a participating whole life policy that historically paid up to 10% a year, and has been steadily dropping until 6.8% for this year. The returns are not guaranteed. Jack told me since part of the spread of the investment is in bonds, and since the bonds have been dropping til like 1% now, that is a reason for why the dividends declared dropped from 10% to 6.8%. And since bonds can't go negative (unless your country is in deep, deep shit), and since the dividends declared is based off of the companies return on investments, which is in turn partly based on bond performance, the dividends declared should not drop more than 6.8%.
We crunched some numbers for a Male Age 25, Non-Smoker:
Participating Whole Life:
$1200/yr for 20 years
Cash value after 20 years: 28,722
Death Benefit after 20 years: 115,628
Total Paid after 20 years: 24,000
Cash value after 40 years: 103,949
Death Benefit after 40 years: 195,660
Total Paid after 40 years: 24,000 (no change)
Compare this with T-10 (10 year term policy)
T-10
$17/$45/$87/$205 per month per 10 years, starting from age 26,36,46,56.
Cash value after 20 years: 0
Death Benefit after 20 years: 250,000
Total Paid after 20 years: 744
Cash value after 40 years: 0
Death Benefit after 40 years: 250,000
Total Paid after 40 years: 4281
I don't have the numbers for after the age of 85, but I think I remember some policies don't cover past the age of 85, and other policies charge ridic prices of like 1k/month for ppl over the age of 85.
So from initial inspection, you'd pay $20k less for term insurance over 40 years, AND you'd have a bigger death benefit, but you don't get a cash value for your policy, thus you can't use it to borrow from the bank.
And how infinite banking really works is just that you use the cash value of your whole life policy as collateral to borrow from the bank. The bank charges you 4% interest for the loan, but your whole life policy makes 6.8%, thus there is an arbitrage opportunity of sorts, where you'd still gain (or at least break even, assuming that the gain just offsets inflation), even when you get a loan from the bank.
Moar rage n whatnot
Lol this is good therapy, gotta admit it. So yeah, obviously the only reason why I ever post here these days is because I need to vent my frustration and confusion, and this post is gonna be no different. So I'll save y'all some time and just tell you that up front, so you don't have to read the whole post for anything meaningful. With that out of the way, let the ranting begin! Oh yeah, I actually learned about the infinite banking concept, and I shall write another post just on that topic. But this post itself is just purely going to be me ranting.
inb4mszun
Lol, yes, it's about her again. So, what's bothering me about this whole thing lately? Well...
1. I suggested to her that as a potential activity together, we could go see the Mythbusters, who are coming to UBC. I had the feeling she kinda brushed it aside. But now she found out some of her friends are going, she also wants to go now. Ouch. Well, I don't know if the situation is like how I described it. That's just my interpretation. Objectively, I have stated the fact that we could go see the Mythbusters. I have left it there. There was no response received from her about this idea. Time passed. She then yesterday informed me that she might be going to Mythbusters after all. The end. I interpret this as her wanting to go, but not wanting to go with me. Which is totally a valid interpretation of the events, if you ask me. Well, maybe it's just because I'm still new in her life and she doesn't feel comfortable with going to Mythbusters with me, but it makes me sad nonetheless.
2. Via text, I texted her whether she was available Monday or Tuesday evening for a dinner or coffee. That was... last night. It's been 18 hours, and she still hasn't responded to my text. So our convo ended with me msging her like 4 times via text in quick succession. Today, I was also the one who sent the first message. Well, I actually promised her yesterday that I'll send her my cake pics, but still, I pretty much broke allllllll the rules for the texting game. I doubly texted her before she even replied to my first set of texts. 나어똫게? What should I do? Man, why does she have to be so perfect, at least from initial interactions that's my view of her. If she was less perfect and less of a quality gal, I wouldn't even care what happened. Look at Ms. Y, the super hot Chinese girl that's studying right now. I forgot all about her lol. She had the looks, but we didn't connect like I connected with Ms. Zun. Literally, I have never met someone like this Ms. Zun in all of 23 years of my life, and I really don't want to spend another 23 years looking for another girl like her. I sound desperate don't I? Well, let's say you won the jackpot for $10 million dollars, and all that's standing between you and the money is a skill testing question. But guess what? That skill testing question is a fucking physical chemistry question on thermodynamics which requires the use of multivariable calculus to get the answer. You're so close, yet so far! That's exactly how I feel! Of course Ms. Zun is worth much more than $10 mil to me, and some could argue that this test I'm going through is harder than the multivariable calculus question.
So at this stage, I'm going through emotional ups and downs, lots of em, and delta amplitude between the ups and downs is pretty large, to be honest. I don't think I've ever felt this way in a hella long time, and I don't like how my emotions fluctuate like this. It ain't right. Being in love really is bothersome. I guess I just gotta take it one day at a time, because there is no way in hell I can control the future, or know what the future has in store, so I just have to make the best moves I can in the moment, and hopefully those moves would lead to a better future.
As much of an objective observation as I can make, I think that she isn't talking with me as much as before. We still have bursts of chatting, but it feels (ah shit, I used the word feel, which has no place in an objective analysis) like she's limiting herself when it comes to chatting with me.
Let's say this feeling is correct, and that she IS limiting herself when it comes to me. Why would she doe such a thing?
a) She could be cautious, and doesn't want to get herself too emotionally attached to me before she figures out if I'm worth it or not. (Best case scenario, because it means she's sensible).
b) She was repulsed by my fucking shenanigans on the first date, and she doesn't want to deal with me anymore, but she doesn't have the heart to tell me to go the fuck away, but she wants to, so she's passive-aggressively keeping her distance away from me in hopes I'll get bored or something and move on. (Worst case scenario, because it means I lost the game.)
c) Is there even a C? I guess there is. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything, and she's just busy, and can't answer me back. But I call bullshit on that, because how busy can someone be not to reply back with a "Monday evening is good!" or "I can't for both days." Following this train of thought, if she really liked me back, she would be happy that I extended an invitation for a second date, and she wouldn't hesitate much to give me a confirmation for one of those days. If she is still cautious, and still forming an opinion on me, she'll take her time in responding (maybe), so this could be the case. I guess if she doesn't wanna be with me, she COULD flat out say it, but I don't think it's her style. She could keep on declining dates indefinitely as a passive-aggressive way to tell me to gtfo, which she hasn't done, and hopefully she'll never do. She could just ignore my invites all together as an even more passive aggressive way of telling me to gtfo, which could be what she's doing now.
I'm just thinking about what I could have done wrong. Did I seem too needy? I don't think so. I mean, I don't even text her that often. I always leave big gaps for when I text her (8 hours
Maybe it's not me. Maybe I'm doing everything right, but it's just that she's just too shy and inexperienced with this whole dating thing, and she's playing it cautious. Which is actually what I want, because I don't want some girl who just goes for anyone. I want her to have high standards too, and I want to meet those standards too.
Lol side note, I'm glad I'm like this after I'm grad, cuz srsly, this shit would have affected my marks for suuuuuuure. Can't concentrate or anything.
And also, I think some people have like G8 summits with their best buds when tackling matters of the heart. I use to, but now I want to deal with this one alone... well, more alone than I would have in the past. I can't always rely on others for relationship help. I have to eventually know how to deal with problems myself, so I'll just start that process now.
inb4mszun
Lol, yes, it's about her again. So, what's bothering me about this whole thing lately? Well...
1. I suggested to her that as a potential activity together, we could go see the Mythbusters, who are coming to UBC. I had the feeling she kinda brushed it aside. But now she found out some of her friends are going, she also wants to go now. Ouch. Well, I don't know if the situation is like how I described it. That's just my interpretation. Objectively, I have stated the fact that we could go see the Mythbusters. I have left it there. There was no response received from her about this idea. Time passed. She then yesterday informed me that she might be going to Mythbusters after all. The end. I interpret this as her wanting to go, but not wanting to go with me. Which is totally a valid interpretation of the events, if you ask me. Well, maybe it's just because I'm still new in her life and she doesn't feel comfortable with going to Mythbusters with me, but it makes me sad nonetheless.
2. Via text, I texted her whether she was available Monday or Tuesday evening for a dinner or coffee. That was... last night. It's been 18 hours, and she still hasn't responded to my text. So our convo ended with me msging her like 4 times via text in quick succession. Today, I was also the one who sent the first message. Well, I actually promised her yesterday that I'll send her my cake pics, but still, I pretty much broke allllllll the rules for the texting game. I doubly texted her before she even replied to my first set of texts. 나어똫게? What should I do? Man, why does she have to be so perfect, at least from initial interactions that's my view of her. If she was less perfect and less of a quality gal, I wouldn't even care what happened. Look at Ms. Y, the super hot Chinese girl that's studying right now. I forgot all about her lol. She had the looks, but we didn't connect like I connected with Ms. Zun. Literally, I have never met someone like this Ms. Zun in all of 23 years of my life, and I really don't want to spend another 23 years looking for another girl like her. I sound desperate don't I? Well, let's say you won the jackpot for $10 million dollars, and all that's standing between you and the money is a skill testing question. But guess what? That skill testing question is a fucking physical chemistry question on thermodynamics which requires the use of multivariable calculus to get the answer. You're so close, yet so far! That's exactly how I feel! Of course Ms. Zun is worth much more than $10 mil to me, and some could argue that this test I'm going through is harder than the multivariable calculus question.
So at this stage, I'm going through emotional ups and downs, lots of em, and delta amplitude between the ups and downs is pretty large, to be honest. I don't think I've ever felt this way in a hella long time, and I don't like how my emotions fluctuate like this. It ain't right. Being in love really is bothersome. I guess I just gotta take it one day at a time, because there is no way in hell I can control the future, or know what the future has in store, so I just have to make the best moves I can in the moment, and hopefully those moves would lead to a better future.
As much of an objective observation as I can make, I think that she isn't talking with me as much as before. We still have bursts of chatting, but it feels (ah shit, I used the word feel, which has no place in an objective analysis) like she's limiting herself when it comes to chatting with me.
Let's say this feeling is correct, and that she IS limiting herself when it comes to me. Why would she doe such a thing?
a) She could be cautious, and doesn't want to get herself too emotionally attached to me before she figures out if I'm worth it or not. (Best case scenario, because it means she's sensible).
b) She was repulsed by my fucking shenanigans on the first date, and she doesn't want to deal with me anymore, but she doesn't have the heart to tell me to go the fuck away, but she wants to, so she's passive-aggressively keeping her distance away from me in hopes I'll get bored or something and move on. (Worst case scenario, because it means I lost the game.)
c) Is there even a C? I guess there is. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything, and she's just busy, and can't answer me back. But I call bullshit on that, because how busy can someone be not to reply back with a "Monday evening is good!" or "I can't for both days." Following this train of thought, if she really liked me back, she would be happy that I extended an invitation for a second date, and she wouldn't hesitate much to give me a confirmation for one of those days. If she is still cautious, and still forming an opinion on me, she'll take her time in responding (maybe), so this could be the case. I guess if she doesn't wanna be with me, she COULD flat out say it, but I don't think it's her style. She could keep on declining dates indefinitely as a passive-aggressive way to tell me to gtfo, which she hasn't done, and hopefully she'll never do. She could just ignore my invites all together as an even more passive aggressive way of telling me to gtfo, which could be what she's doing now.
I'm just thinking about what I could have done wrong. Did I seem too needy? I don't think so. I mean, I don't even text her that often. I always leave big gaps for when I text her (8 hours
Maybe it's not me. Maybe I'm doing everything right, but it's just that she's just too shy and inexperienced with this whole dating thing, and she's playing it cautious. Which is actually what I want, because I don't want some girl who just goes for anyone. I want her to have high standards too, and I want to meet those standards too.
Lol side note, I'm glad I'm like this after I'm grad, cuz srsly, this shit would have affected my marks for suuuuuuure. Can't concentrate or anything.
And also, I think some people have like G8 summits with their best buds when tackling matters of the heart. I use to, but now I want to deal with this one alone... well, more alone than I would have in the past. I can't always rely on others for relationship help. I have to eventually know how to deal with problems myself, so I'll just start that process now.
Monday, 5 May 2014
Therapy
Been a while since I was active on my blog. Been pretty productive and active lately. Let's see, from the last time I recorded down my life til now, I visited profs and asked em about potential futures of biochem kids, did lots of hiking, badminton, went on an Xcape adventure, and went on an actual date with Ms. Zun. Also picked up some library books and right now I'm trying to learn how to code in Python. Going on another hike tomorrow, and then movies and dinner at Olive Garden. Damn, jam packed, now that I look back on things. It's great! But why am I depressed as fuck? Ah, I remember...
If you've been following my blogs n crap, you'd probably know why. It's about my position in life, my goals, and the big, vast, yawning chasm that's in between the two. Alright, just a warning for the grammar OCD folks out there, my writing is going to get really unstructured, and is just going to be a continuous stream of rambling.
The date didn't go as planned. I did this thing that might have been too much. I basically held Ms. Zun's hand, looked her in the eyes, and told her that she was smart, pretty, nice, and I would love if she'd go on a first date with me. I had a waitress play the soundtrack of The Heirs on my phone as I said the stuff. The song was "Moment" by some dude in 2AM. Ms. Zun luckily didn't run away lol. Looking back, I realized she's super conservative when it comes to those things, and it might have been too much. But we then had a normal conversation, just like we did on Facebook. We had some nice chats, but I guess it could have been better. I wasn't at my A game that day. Plus, I had to eat, so I couldn't really talk. Ms. Zun finished early and I had to play clean up. My mouth was occupied, and thus, I couldn't hold a decent convo without spitting food everywhere. Now I learned my lesson. Screw a meal for the first date. It should be coffee. Learn from me, folks.
Anyway, she is as wonderful as I imagined her to be. She came across as a very demure person. Comes from a wealthy family, grew up fricking sensible, grounded mature, down to earth. Amazing, really. Had all the materials of being those materialistic Chinese girls, but didn't turn out so. Thank the Lord. Anyway, so I have determined that she is definitely worth pursuing, and the TL;DR of a part of our discussion was that she has a very high standard of how she wants to live (lol, I know, seems like it goes against what I just said moments ago, but she's not into the name brand and stuff like that, I think what she meant was just being able to do things that made her happy, which I'm pretty sure, from judging her character, is not going out and buying a shit tonne of shoes and bags). And that's why she wants to become an Occupational Therapist, because she wants to make the money herself to support her intended lifestyle. Good on her, making her own money instead of relying on a dude for the money.
The thing that bothered me was the fact that my plan didn't work. With my South Western training, I wanted to secure the sale for the 2nd meet up. And for that, I planned on being assumptive, and I handed her my phone and told her to pick a day she wanted to meet up. She handed me back my phone without picking a day, and I don't know what she said next, because my brain froze. I think she said something about que sera sera, and we should just see what happens... I was in shock. What? Southwestern assumptiveness... failing? What kind of world was I living in? I mean, just moments ago the assumptiveness allowed me to hold her hand and say the stuff I needed to say to her... but now it's failing? Does she not want to see me anymore?
My mind went into overdrive, thinking of all the different possible reasons why I failed. And because of that failure, the date overall felt like a failure. I was pretty much in shock all the way home, driving. Cool side note, I saw my very first highway accident / entire highway closure incident. I took pics and vid, and posted em online, but I decided against it, and took it down. Tasteless, to post up pics of other people's misfortunes, even though imo, it's kinda cool to be a first hand witness to something that you always hear on the radio and TV, but never happens to you in real life. So I got out of my car, walked to the scene, took pics, realized there was no way traffic will move soon, so I did a U-turn and drove until I reached a patch of grass that separated the highway from another part of the highway that wasn't blocked. I waited until a pick up truck drove across the grass first before I did it. I didn't want to be the first guy to drive on the grass and get stuck in mud or something, so I let someone else be the guinea pig.
Anyway, so back to Ms. Zun. I might have came on too strongly, so at the end of the "date", I didn't even go for the hug. I just said goodbye and left, decimated, deflated, dejected, and defeated. But I still haven't given up though. I am gonna pursue her until she either tells me straight up to get the fuck outta here, or she becomes my gal. There is no middle ground here. Too bad for her, I got an unwavering determination. I think I'm going to plan to ask her again next week, when things have settled down. Man, and she told me she was playing an Inception song, so I was like, hmmm, that's a good song, maybe I should play it too. I msged her today with a pic of a score I found of Mind Heist, which I included two of the five sheets just for your viewing pleasure.
I asked if her score had the double quadruple Fortes at the end... and she saw the message, and she didn't reply back, even til now, like 8 hours later or w.e. Now I'm thinking... did I creep her out when I wanted to play the same song? I mean, it's a great song right? It's like, if she played Fur Elise, doesn't mean I can't play it too and like it too right? Fur Elise itself is objectively a great piece. But whatever, maybe my interpretations are misconstrued. Crappiest thing is that I triple messaged her without her replying back once, on two separate times. That's pretty much #needy shit right there, but I thought we were elevated beyond the timing thing. I guess I gotta play the timing game again, and not msg her tmrw... or not msg her at all until she messages me back, or until 2 days time... whichever comes first. Sigggghhhhhh.
This is kinda defeatist talk right now, but if I don't manage to pull in this great Marlin, the greatest Marlin i've seen in all of my 23 years of life, it would be a giant loss... but there will also be a gain too. I know that fricking amazing girls do exist, and I am NEVER gonna lower my standards. I realize my standards are obtainable, thanks to Ms. Zun, the living breathing unicorn/marlin.
That was yesterday. Today, my family had a dinner, and we got to talking about money, and I just got so depressed. I do want to make the money to be able to support everyone, but I don't know how. I do want to make the money so later on I can marry a person like Ms. Zun and make sure she's happy. My parents questioned my motive about wanting to get rich. They think I want to drive the Ferrari, and live in a $5 mil mansion. I'm like, no man, I want to give my kids a $40k per year education at the finest schools. I want them to join hockey, ballet, piano, Chinese school, etc, etc. And then they understood my reason. I also told them I wanted to make a dynasty. I want to create an empire. I wanted the wealth of the Xie clan to grow and multiply throughout the generations. I think my parents think I'm crazy now tbh lololol. Whatever. Cool thing is I'm opening up to my parents, and they're opening up to me. Never happened before. Maybe they realize I'm starting to think like an adult? I dunno. Maybe I still think like a kid because I want to be wealthy, but I think my reasons for doing so are sound and logical, so I don't think I think like a kid.
All in all, I still have a will to fight and make something of myself, and so I haven't lost hope yet. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Side note, my mom bothers me. She doesn't appreciate how hard I try in life, it's ridiculous. I haven't even relaxed all semester, and so far this last semester, I got 91%, 92%, and an 83%. Believe me, I tried fucking hard. And now that school's out, I'm relaxing and watching Immortal Songs 2.
It's a show where the biggest singers in the Korean Pop scene battle it out, singing popular oldies. The level of singing is amazing. I particularly enjoyed this song I linked above: "인연", or "Fate". It's very beautiful, and it's about my situation. I think I might have described this song here. So I'm watching this, and my mom comes into my room and is like, "Sigh, you're watching this stuff all the time (not true, not all the time), if only you spent your energy on school instead (which I did, because I got 90%+ for 2 of my courses this past sem). You don't even worry about your future, do you? (Which I absolutely fucking do, hence this entire blog). I don't even bother explaining this to her, it's pointless. She see's me on the computer studying, and she's like, you're always playing games on the computer. Makes me sooooo angry. I haven't even played games heavily since... a year ago? Last time I played was just a short one, The Walking Dead, Season 2 Episode 2. And my mom always says, you need to go out and exercise more! And it's ridiculous, because I've been going to play badminton like twice a week, I got jogging almost everyday since finals was over, I went hiking twice last week and again tomorrow. I mean, this is ridiculous! How the hell am I the black sheep of the family? Well, that's what I feel like. When was the last time I heard praise from her? Nope, can't remember. But she's lucky that I still love her because I recognize her sacrifice for the betterment of my sister and I, so I can't ever hate her. She's lucky that I'm mature enough to see that, no thanks to her. Sigh. I'm letting out so much haha. Thus the title of this post: "Therapy". It does work, trust me. I feel better after letting everything out.
Oh yeah, lastly, before I wrap up. I'm learning how to code Python, and today I made a cute little module that converts percentage to GPA. I followed the formula GPA = (Percentage/20)-1, and I turned my 75.2% average to a GPA of 2.76. I had no idea my GPA was that low. Everything worth applying for needs a GPA of at least 3.5. I am definitely screwed academically. But I don't know if my formula is correct or not. Some people on the internet say that a 4.0 is actually 80% and not 100%. So if we do the second formula, I would get a 3.76, which seems way too high for a 75.2% average... so I think my real GPA is actually 2.76. How depressing.
Anyway, the moral of the story, folks, is that I'm going to continue to try my best in wooing Ms. Zun, and if my best isn't enough, then I'm going to go jump off a bridge and end my life. LOL just kidding! I'd never do that. People who kill themselves are irresponsible, because who's gonna take care of their parents when they get old? I got a duty to serve. That shit is out of the question. What I WAS gonna say was that if my best isn't enough, then that's fine, because I can't control the outcome. I can only control how much effort I put into things, and I should be proud that I pushed myself to give 110% in this endeavor.
If you've been following my blogs n crap, you'd probably know why. It's about my position in life, my goals, and the big, vast, yawning chasm that's in between the two. Alright, just a warning for the grammar OCD folks out there, my writing is going to get really unstructured, and is just going to be a continuous stream of rambling.
The date didn't go as planned. I did this thing that might have been too much. I basically held Ms. Zun's hand, looked her in the eyes, and told her that she was smart, pretty, nice, and I would love if she'd go on a first date with me. I had a waitress play the soundtrack of The Heirs on my phone as I said the stuff. The song was "Moment" by some dude in 2AM. Ms. Zun luckily didn't run away lol. Looking back, I realized she's super conservative when it comes to those things, and it might have been too much. But we then had a normal conversation, just like we did on Facebook. We had some nice chats, but I guess it could have been better. I wasn't at my A game that day. Plus, I had to eat, so I couldn't really talk. Ms. Zun finished early and I had to play clean up. My mouth was occupied, and thus, I couldn't hold a decent convo without spitting food everywhere. Now I learned my lesson. Screw a meal for the first date. It should be coffee. Learn from me, folks.
Anyway, she is as wonderful as I imagined her to be. She came across as a very demure person. Comes from a wealthy family, grew up fricking sensible, grounded mature, down to earth. Amazing, really. Had all the materials of being those materialistic Chinese girls, but didn't turn out so. Thank the Lord. Anyway, so I have determined that she is definitely worth pursuing, and the TL;DR of a part of our discussion was that she has a very high standard of how she wants to live (lol, I know, seems like it goes against what I just said moments ago, but she's not into the name brand and stuff like that, I think what she meant was just being able to do things that made her happy, which I'm pretty sure, from judging her character, is not going out and buying a shit tonne of shoes and bags). And that's why she wants to become an Occupational Therapist, because she wants to make the money herself to support her intended lifestyle. Good on her, making her own money instead of relying on a dude for the money.
The thing that bothered me was the fact that my plan didn't work. With my South Western training, I wanted to secure the sale for the 2nd meet up. And for that, I planned on being assumptive, and I handed her my phone and told her to pick a day she wanted to meet up. She handed me back my phone without picking a day, and I don't know what she said next, because my brain froze. I think she said something about que sera sera, and we should just see what happens... I was in shock. What? Southwestern assumptiveness... failing? What kind of world was I living in? I mean, just moments ago the assumptiveness allowed me to hold her hand and say the stuff I needed to say to her... but now it's failing? Does she not want to see me anymore?
My mind went into overdrive, thinking of all the different possible reasons why I failed. And because of that failure, the date overall felt like a failure. I was pretty much in shock all the way home, driving. Cool side note, I saw my very first highway accident / entire highway closure incident. I took pics and vid, and posted em online, but I decided against it, and took it down. Tasteless, to post up pics of other people's misfortunes, even though imo, it's kinda cool to be a first hand witness to something that you always hear on the radio and TV, but never happens to you in real life. So I got out of my car, walked to the scene, took pics, realized there was no way traffic will move soon, so I did a U-turn and drove until I reached a patch of grass that separated the highway from another part of the highway that wasn't blocked. I waited until a pick up truck drove across the grass first before I did it. I didn't want to be the first guy to drive on the grass and get stuck in mud or something, so I let someone else be the guinea pig.
Anyway, so back to Ms. Zun. I might have came on too strongly, so at the end of the "date", I didn't even go for the hug. I just said goodbye and left, decimated, deflated, dejected, and defeated. But I still haven't given up though. I am gonna pursue her until she either tells me straight up to get the fuck outta here, or she becomes my gal. There is no middle ground here. Too bad for her, I got an unwavering determination. I think I'm going to plan to ask her again next week, when things have settled down. Man, and she told me she was playing an Inception song, so I was like, hmmm, that's a good song, maybe I should play it too. I msged her today with a pic of a score I found of Mind Heist, which I included two of the five sheets just for your viewing pleasure.
I asked if her score had the double quadruple Fortes at the end... and she saw the message, and she didn't reply back, even til now, like 8 hours later or w.e. Now I'm thinking... did I creep her out when I wanted to play the same song? I mean, it's a great song right? It's like, if she played Fur Elise, doesn't mean I can't play it too and like it too right? Fur Elise itself is objectively a great piece. But whatever, maybe my interpretations are misconstrued. Crappiest thing is that I triple messaged her without her replying back once, on two separate times. That's pretty much #needy shit right there, but I thought we were elevated beyond the timing thing. I guess I gotta play the timing game again, and not msg her tmrw... or not msg her at all until she messages me back, or until 2 days time... whichever comes first. Sigggghhhhhh.
This is kinda defeatist talk right now, but if I don't manage to pull in this great Marlin, the greatest Marlin i've seen in all of my 23 years of life, it would be a giant loss... but there will also be a gain too. I know that fricking amazing girls do exist, and I am NEVER gonna lower my standards. I realize my standards are obtainable, thanks to Ms. Zun, the living breathing unicorn/marlin.
That was yesterday. Today, my family had a dinner, and we got to talking about money, and I just got so depressed. I do want to make the money to be able to support everyone, but I don't know how. I do want to make the money so later on I can marry a person like Ms. Zun and make sure she's happy. My parents questioned my motive about wanting to get rich. They think I want to drive the Ferrari, and live in a $5 mil mansion. I'm like, no man, I want to give my kids a $40k per year education at the finest schools. I want them to join hockey, ballet, piano, Chinese school, etc, etc. And then they understood my reason. I also told them I wanted to make a dynasty. I want to create an empire. I wanted the wealth of the Xie clan to grow and multiply throughout the generations. I think my parents think I'm crazy now tbh lololol. Whatever. Cool thing is I'm opening up to my parents, and they're opening up to me. Never happened before. Maybe they realize I'm starting to think like an adult? I dunno. Maybe I still think like a kid because I want to be wealthy, but I think my reasons for doing so are sound and logical, so I don't think I think like a kid.
All in all, I still have a will to fight and make something of myself, and so I haven't lost hope yet. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Side note, my mom bothers me. She doesn't appreciate how hard I try in life, it's ridiculous. I haven't even relaxed all semester, and so far this last semester, I got 91%, 92%, and an 83%. Believe me, I tried fucking hard. And now that school's out, I'm relaxing and watching Immortal Songs 2.
Oh yeah, lastly, before I wrap up. I'm learning how to code Python, and today I made a cute little module that converts percentage to GPA. I followed the formula GPA = (Percentage/20)-1, and I turned my 75.2% average to a GPA of 2.76. I had no idea my GPA was that low. Everything worth applying for needs a GPA of at least 3.5. I am definitely screwed academically. But I don't know if my formula is correct or not. Some people on the internet say that a 4.0 is actually 80% and not 100%. So if we do the second formula, I would get a 3.76, which seems way too high for a 75.2% average... so I think my real GPA is actually 2.76. How depressing.
Anyway, the moral of the story, folks, is that I'm going to continue to try my best in wooing Ms. Zun, and if my best isn't enough, then I'm going to go jump off a bridge and end my life. LOL just kidding! I'd never do that. People who kill themselves are irresponsible, because who's gonna take care of their parents when they get old? I got a duty to serve. That shit is out of the question. What I WAS gonna say was that if my best isn't enough, then that's fine, because I can't control the outcome. I can only control how much effort I put into things, and I should be proud that I pushed myself to give 110% in this endeavor.
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