If you've been following my blogs n crap, you'd probably know why. It's about my position in life, my goals, and the big, vast, yawning chasm that's in between the two. Alright, just a warning for the grammar OCD folks out there, my writing is going to get really unstructured, and is just going to be a continuous stream of rambling.
The date didn't go as planned. I did this thing that might have been too much. I basically held Ms. Zun's hand, looked her in the eyes, and told her that she was smart, pretty, nice, and I would love if she'd go on a first date with me. I had a waitress play the soundtrack of The Heirs on my phone as I said the stuff. The song was "Moment" by some dude in 2AM. Ms. Zun luckily didn't run away lol. Looking back, I realized she's super conservative when it comes to those things, and it might have been too much. But we then had a normal conversation, just like we did on Facebook. We had some nice chats, but I guess it could have been better. I wasn't at my A game that day. Plus, I had to eat, so I couldn't really talk. Ms. Zun finished early and I had to play clean up. My mouth was occupied, and thus, I couldn't hold a decent convo without spitting food everywhere. Now I learned my lesson. Screw a meal for the first date. It should be coffee. Learn from me, folks.
Anyway, she is as wonderful as I imagined her to be. She came across as a very demure person. Comes from a wealthy family, grew up fricking sensible, grounded mature, down to earth. Amazing, really. Had all the materials of being those materialistic Chinese girls, but didn't turn out so. Thank the Lord. Anyway, so I have determined that she is definitely worth pursuing, and the TL;DR of a part of our discussion was that she has a very high standard of how she wants to live (lol, I know, seems like it goes against what I just said moments ago, but she's not into the name brand and stuff like that, I think what she meant was just being able to do things that made her happy, which I'm pretty sure, from judging her character, is not going out and buying a shit tonne of shoes and bags). And that's why she wants to become an Occupational Therapist, because she wants to make the money herself to support her intended lifestyle. Good on her, making her own money instead of relying on a dude for the money.
The thing that bothered me was the fact that my plan didn't work. With my South Western training, I wanted to secure the sale for the 2nd meet up. And for that, I planned on being assumptive, and I handed her my phone and told her to pick a day she wanted to meet up. She handed me back my phone without picking a day, and I don't know what she said next, because my brain froze. I think she said something about que sera sera, and we should just see what happens... I was in shock. What? Southwestern assumptiveness... failing? What kind of world was I living in? I mean, just moments ago the assumptiveness allowed me to hold her hand and say the stuff I needed to say to her... but now it's failing? Does she not want to see me anymore?
My mind went into overdrive, thinking of all the different possible reasons why I failed. And because of that failure, the date overall felt like a failure. I was pretty much in shock all the way home, driving. Cool side note, I saw my very first highway accident / entire highway closure incident. I took pics and vid, and posted em online, but I decided against it, and took it down. Tasteless, to post up pics of other people's misfortunes, even though imo, it's kinda cool to be a first hand witness to something that you always hear on the radio and TV, but never happens to you in real life. So I got out of my car, walked to the scene, took pics, realized there was no way traffic will move soon, so I did a U-turn and drove until I reached a patch of grass that separated the highway from another part of the highway that wasn't blocked. I waited until a pick up truck drove across the grass first before I did it. I didn't want to be the first guy to drive on the grass and get stuck in mud or something, so I let someone else be the guinea pig.
Anyway, so back to Ms. Zun. I might have came on too strongly, so at the end of the "date", I didn't even go for the hug. I just said goodbye and left, decimated, deflated, dejected, and defeated. But I still haven't given up though. I am gonna pursue her until she either tells me straight up to get the fuck outta here, or she becomes my gal. There is no middle ground here. Too bad for her, I got an unwavering determination. I think I'm going to plan to ask her again next week, when things have settled down. Man, and she told me she was playing an Inception song, so I was like, hmmm, that's a good song, maybe I should play it too. I msged her today with a pic of a score I found of Mind Heist, which I included two of the five sheets just for your viewing pleasure.
I asked if her score had the double quadruple Fortes at the end... and she saw the message, and she didn't reply back, even til now, like 8 hours later or w.e. Now I'm thinking... did I creep her out when I wanted to play the same song? I mean, it's a great song right? It's like, if she played Fur Elise, doesn't mean I can't play it too and like it too right? Fur Elise itself is objectively a great piece. But whatever, maybe my interpretations are misconstrued. Crappiest thing is that I triple messaged her without her replying back once, on two separate times. That's pretty much #needy shit right there, but I thought we were elevated beyond the timing thing. I guess I gotta play the timing game again, and not msg her tmrw... or not msg her at all until she messages me back, or until 2 days time... whichever comes first. Sigggghhhhhh.
This is kinda defeatist talk right now, but if I don't manage to pull in this great Marlin, the greatest Marlin i've seen in all of my 23 years of life, it would be a giant loss... but there will also be a gain too. I know that fricking amazing girls do exist, and I am NEVER gonna lower my standards. I realize my standards are obtainable, thanks to Ms. Zun, the living breathing unicorn/marlin.
That was yesterday. Today, my family had a dinner, and we got to talking about money, and I just got so depressed. I do want to make the money to be able to support everyone, but I don't know how. I do want to make the money so later on I can marry a person like Ms. Zun and make sure she's happy. My parents questioned my motive about wanting to get rich. They think I want to drive the Ferrari, and live in a $5 mil mansion. I'm like, no man, I want to give my kids a $40k per year education at the finest schools. I want them to join hockey, ballet, piano, Chinese school, etc, etc. And then they understood my reason. I also told them I wanted to make a dynasty. I want to create an empire. I wanted the wealth of the Xie clan to grow and multiply throughout the generations. I think my parents think I'm crazy now tbh lololol. Whatever. Cool thing is I'm opening up to my parents, and they're opening up to me. Never happened before. Maybe they realize I'm starting to think like an adult? I dunno. Maybe I still think like a kid because I want to be wealthy, but I think my reasons for doing so are sound and logical, so I don't think I think like a kid.
All in all, I still have a will to fight and make something of myself, and so I haven't lost hope yet. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Side note, my mom bothers me. She doesn't appreciate how hard I try in life, it's ridiculous. I haven't even relaxed all semester, and so far this last semester, I got 91%, 92%, and an 83%. Believe me, I tried fucking hard. And now that school's out, I'm relaxing and watching Immortal Songs 2.
Oh yeah, lastly, before I wrap up. I'm learning how to code Python, and today I made a cute little module that converts percentage to GPA. I followed the formula GPA = (Percentage/20)-1, and I turned my 75.2% average to a GPA of 2.76. I had no idea my GPA was that low. Everything worth applying for needs a GPA of at least 3.5. I am definitely screwed academically. But I don't know if my formula is correct or not. Some people on the internet say that a 4.0 is actually 80% and not 100%. So if we do the second formula, I would get a 3.76, which seems way too high for a 75.2% average... so I think my real GPA is actually 2.76. How depressing.
Anyway, the moral of the story, folks, is that I'm going to continue to try my best in wooing Ms. Zun, and if my best isn't enough, then I'm going to go jump off a bridge and end my life. LOL just kidding! I'd never do that. People who kill themselves are irresponsible, because who's gonna take care of their parents when they get old? I got a duty to serve. That shit is out of the question. What I WAS gonna say was that if my best isn't enough, then that's fine, because I can't control the outcome. I can only control how much effort I put into things, and I should be proud that I pushed myself to give 110% in this endeavor.
No comments:
Post a Comment