I love the show Immortal Songs 2 because it has some great meaningful songs in the show, and today the show had another very emotional and touching song for me, and this time it has nothing to do with girls. It has something to do with my dad, and I'd like to share it with you all.
Please watch from 53:13, and please watch JinHo's introduction to his song.
It was a very emotional performance, and it really hit me when JinHo sang,
"Your blooming days were sacrificed, and turned into fertilizer to nurture my days."
It's 100% true. My dad (and my mom) worked in a restaurant for 9 years now, and they work hella long hours, sometimes up to 14 hours a day. They started off working 6 days a week, and now they're down to 4 days a week because of their health. They are literally slowing dying and turning into fertilizer just so my sister and I can have a better life. I am always grateful for this aspect of their sacrifice, and I'll do everything in my power to repay them.
Sidenote, I think my dad is pretty damn successful. He came to this country with literally $500 CAD in his pocket, and now he has 2 kids, one of which has graduated university, is going to Korea to teach English, and has the option to work on his blog, or to play music on a $30k grand piano, and also has a car to drive around and do fun stuff with his friends. The other one is also well on her way to success, having made it into the pharmacy program, and having a great work ethic as well. Good for you dad, good for you.
Been a while since I was active on my blog. Been pretty productive and active lately. Let's see, from the last time I recorded down my life til now, I visited profs and asked em about potential futures of biochem kids, did lots of hiking, badminton, went on an Xcape adventure, and went on an actual date with Ms. Zun. Also picked up some library books and right now I'm trying to learn how to code in Python. Going on another hike tomorrow, and then movies and dinner at Olive Garden. Damn, jam packed, now that I look back on things. It's great! But why am I depressed as fuck? Ah, I remember...
If you've been following my blogs n crap, you'd probably know why. It's about my position in life, my goals, and the big, vast, yawning chasm that's in between the two. Alright, just a warning for the grammar OCD folks out there, my writing is going to get really unstructured, and is just going to be a continuous stream of rambling.
The date didn't go as planned. I did this thing that might have been too much. I basically held Ms. Zun's hand, looked her in the eyes, and told her that she was smart, pretty, nice, and I would love if she'd go on a first date with me. I had a waitress play the soundtrack of The Heirs on my phone as I said the stuff. The song was "Moment" by some dude in 2AM. Ms. Zun luckily didn't run away lol. Looking back, I realized she's super conservative when it comes to those things, and it might have been too much. But we then had a normal conversation, just like we did on Facebook. We had some nice chats, but I guess it could have been better. I wasn't at my A game that day. Plus, I had to eat, so I couldn't really talk. Ms. Zun finished early and I had to play clean up. My mouth was occupied, and thus, I couldn't hold a decent convo without spitting food everywhere. Now I learned my lesson. Screw a meal for the first date. It should be coffee. Learn from me, folks.
Anyway, she is as wonderful as I imagined her to be. She came across as a very demure person. Comes from a wealthy family, grew up fricking sensible, grounded mature, down to earth. Amazing, really. Had all the materials of being those materialistic Chinese girls, but didn't turn out so. Thank the Lord. Anyway, so I have determined that she is definitely worth pursuing, and the TL;DR of a part of our discussion was that she has a very high standard of how she wants to live (lol, I know, seems like it goes against what I just said moments ago, but she's not into the name brand and stuff like that, I think what she meant was just being able to do things that made her happy, which I'm pretty sure, from judging her character, is not going out and buying a shit tonne of shoes and bags). And that's why she wants to become an Occupational Therapist, because she wants to make the money herself to support her intended lifestyle. Good on her, making her own money instead of relying on a dude for the money.
The thing that bothered me was the fact that my plan didn't work. With my South Western training, I wanted to secure the sale for the 2nd meet up. And for that, I planned on being assumptive, and I handed her my phone and told her to pick a day she wanted to meet up. She handed me back my phone without picking a day, and I don't know what she said next, because my brain froze. I think she said something about que sera sera, and we should just see what happens... I was in shock. What? Southwestern assumptiveness... failing? What kind of world was I living in? I mean, just moments ago the assumptiveness allowed me to hold her hand and say the stuff I needed to say to her... but now it's failing? Does she not want to see me anymore?
My mind went into overdrive, thinking of all the different possible reasons why I failed. And because of that failure, the date overall felt like a failure. I was pretty much in shock all the way home, driving. Cool side note, I saw my very first highway accident / entire highway closure incident. I took pics and vid, and posted em online, but I decided against it, and took it down. Tasteless, to post up pics of other people's misfortunes, even though imo, it's kinda cool to be a first hand witness to something that you always hear on the radio and TV, but never happens to you in real life. So I got out of my car, walked to the scene, took pics, realized there was no way traffic will move soon, so I did a U-turn and drove until I reached a patch of grass that separated the highway from another part of the highway that wasn't blocked. I waited until a pick up truck drove across the grass first before I did it. I didn't want to be the first guy to drive on the grass and get stuck in mud or something, so I let someone else be the guinea pig.
Anyway, so back to Ms. Zun. I might have came on too strongly, so at the end of the "date", I didn't even go for the hug. I just said goodbye and left, decimated, deflated, dejected, and defeated. But I still haven't given up though. I am gonna pursue her until she either tells me straight up to get the fuck outta here, or she becomes my gal. There is no middle ground here. Too bad for her, I got an unwavering determination. I think I'm going to plan to ask her again next week, when things have settled down. Man, and she told me she was playing an Inception song, so I was like, hmmm, that's a good song, maybe I should play it too. I msged her today with a pic of a score I found of Mind Heist, which I included two of the five sheets just for your viewing pleasure.
I asked if her score had the double quadruple Fortes at the end... and she saw the message, and she didn't reply back, even til now, like 8 hours later or w.e. Now I'm thinking... did I creep her out when I wanted to play the same song? I mean, it's a great song right? It's like, if she played Fur Elise, doesn't mean I can't play it too and like it too right? Fur Elise itself is objectively a great piece. But whatever, maybe my interpretations are misconstrued. Crappiest thing is that I triple messaged her without her replying back once, on two separate times. That's pretty much #needy shit right there, but I thought we were elevated beyond the timing thing. I guess I gotta play the timing game again, and not msg her tmrw... or not msg her at all until she messages me back, or until 2 days time... whichever comes first. Sigggghhhhhh.
This is kinda defeatist talk right now, but if I don't manage to pull in this great Marlin, the greatest Marlin i've seen in all of my 23 years of life, it would be a giant loss... but there will also be a gain too. I know that fricking amazing girls do exist, and I am NEVER gonna lower my standards. I realize my standards are obtainable, thanks to Ms. Zun, the living breathing unicorn/marlin.
That was yesterday. Today, my family had a dinner, and we got to talking about money, and I just got so depressed. I do want to make the money to be able to support everyone, but I don't know how. I do want to make the money so later on I can marry a person like Ms. Zun and make sure she's happy. My parents questioned my motive about wanting to get rich. They think I want to drive the Ferrari, and live in a $5 mil mansion. I'm like, no man, I want to give my kids a $40k per year education at the finest schools. I want them to join hockey, ballet, piano, Chinese school, etc, etc. And then they understood my reason. I also told them I wanted to make a dynasty. I want to create an empire. I wanted the wealth of the Xie clan to grow and multiply throughout the generations. I think my parents think I'm crazy now tbh lololol. Whatever. Cool thing is I'm opening up to my parents, and they're opening up to me. Never happened before. Maybe they realize I'm starting to think like an adult? I dunno. Maybe I still think like a kid because I want to be wealthy, but I think my reasons for doing so are sound and logical, so I don't think I think like a kid.
All in all, I still have a will to fight and make something of myself, and so I haven't lost hope yet. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Side note, my mom bothers me. She doesn't appreciate how hard I try in life, it's ridiculous. I haven't even relaxed all semester, and so far this last semester, I got 91%, 92%, and an 83%. Believe me, I tried fucking hard. And now that school's out, I'm relaxing and watching Immortal Songs 2.
It's a show where the biggest singers in the Korean Pop scene battle it out, singing popular oldies. The level of singing is amazing. I particularly enjoyed this song I linked above: "인연", or "Fate". It's very beautiful, and it's about my situation. I think I might have described this song here. So I'm watching this, and my mom comes into my room and is like, "Sigh, you're watching this stuff all the time (not true, not all the time), if only you spent your energy on school instead (which I did, because I got 90%+ for 2 of my courses this past sem). You don't even worry about your future, do you? (Which I absolutely fucking do, hence this entire blog). I don't even bother explaining this to her, it's pointless. She see's me on the computer studying, and she's like, you're always playing games on the computer. Makes me sooooo angry. I haven't even played games heavily since... a year ago? Last time I played was just a short one, The Walking Dead, Season 2 Episode 2. And my mom always says, you need to go out and exercise more! And it's ridiculous, because I've been going to play badminton like twice a week, I got jogging almost everyday since finals was over, I went hiking twice last week and again tomorrow. I mean, this is ridiculous! How the hell am I the black sheep of the family? Well, that's what I feel like. When was the last time I heard praise from her? Nope, can't remember. But she's lucky that I still love her because I recognize her sacrifice for the betterment of my sister and I, so I can't ever hate her. She's lucky that I'm mature enough to see that, no thanks to her. Sigh. I'm letting out so much haha. Thus the title of this post: "Therapy". It does work, trust me. I feel better after letting everything out.
Oh yeah, lastly, before I wrap up. I'm learning how to code Python, and today I made a cute little module that converts percentage to GPA. I followed the formula GPA = (Percentage/20)-1, and I turned my 75.2% average to a GPA of 2.76. I had no idea my GPA was that low. Everything worth applying for needs a GPA of at least 3.5. I am definitely screwed academically. But I don't know if my formula is correct or not. Some people on the internet say that a 4.0 is actually 80% and not 100%. So if we do the second formula, I would get a 3.76, which seems way too high for a 75.2% average... so I think my real GPA is actually 2.76. How depressing.
Anyway, the moral of the story, folks, is that I'm going to continue to try my best in wooing Ms. Zun, and if my best isn't enough, then I'm going to go jump off a bridge and end my life. LOL just kidding! I'd never do that. People who kill themselves are irresponsible, because who's gonna take care of their parents when they get old? I got a duty to serve. That shit is out of the question. What I WAS gonna say was that if my best isn't enough, then that's fine, because I can't control the outcome. I can only control how much effort I put into things, and I should be proud that I pushed myself to give 110% in this endeavor.
Well, that happened to me today...
April 26th was this vid's release date.Please watch from 8:56, where the two men, Shin Yongjae and Yoon Minsoo sing a cover of Lee Sun Hee's "fate"
This song resonated fiercely within me, because, as my loyal readers would know, I am facing the problem of leaving Canada and leaving her to teach English in Korea for a year.
As for this song, it's one thing for Yongjae and Minsoo to sing it with such passion and emotion... but when you add in a relevant and touching lyrics, I went on a feels trip with Ms. Feelsle.
(Btw, in case you're wondering, the girls are from Girl's Day.)
Some of the lyrics that resonated within me:
-"I promise you, when this all passes, and I get to see you again, I will throw away everything to spend the rest of my life by your side."
-"Our meeting was short like a drunken stupor, but the love settle in my heart. Even if our love doesn't last, I have no regrets. Nothing lasts forever."
-"You are the gift in this lonely journey of life."
-"When we meet again after a long journey, don't let me go."
Lol, I just realized these lines are like half the song already haha. Actually, I should have just copy and pasted the lyrics of this song on here, and just say I like every single line of this song.
Sigh, their performance of this song made me cry man tears, which are very distinct from general tears (different chemical composition). They should have won...
Someday, I'll show Ms. Zun this song... and she'll share the same feels as me... hopefully.
