Dear Diary, (lol at the rate I'm going, might as well just treat this blog as a diary for now...)
Today I went on a second date with Ms. Zun. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was sunny, but it wasn't super hot. The sun's rays felt subdued in terms of heat, but it was very bright all the same. So I drove to her house, and lo and behold, I arrived at 10:00 am exactly. Another sign maybe God exists, I dunno. I haven't been praying to Him lately, but I should. I should talk to Him more. I wonder if my prayers can be in the form of a blog on the internet, like this one. Like, can I be like, dear God, thanks for the wonderful weather and my timely arrival to Ms. Zun's house. Will God hear my electronic message? I'm thinking, since God isn't physical, then God wouldn't rly need to hear my spoken prayer right?
Anyway, so yes, timely arrival right at 10 sharp to Ms. Zun's place. Picked her up from her multi-million dollar home, which by the way, wasn't really a mansion. That house would only be $1 mil max in Langley... maxxxx. It's only worth $4 mil or so because of the location, which is like a stone's throw from a major mall in Vancouver. We drove and talked, no awkward silences or anything. Arrived at Lighthouse Park, and did the same trails I did with my friends last time. What surprised me was that Ms. Zun initiated in taking a selfie with me. Pretty much in my head, I was like, yeah, I don't know if she wants to take a pic with me. She might not be ready to have pics with some dude and show to her friends. So I just forgot about it, and I started to walk away from a viewpoint back down to the trail, when she said, wait come back here, and then told me let's take a selfie.
Logically speaking, a person would want to take a picture so they can look back at the view in a future time, so they can remember the moment when the pic was taken. So if my logic is sound, then would that mean Ms. Zun wanted to take a pic with me so she can remember today? It would be cool if that was the case. She didn't take a pic of just me though... and I only took 1 pic of just her. I didn't post it on FB yet, just in case she doesn't want to be seen on my feed.
We sat down at another view point, and had a snack of salsa and chips. Talked about a lot of things. Man, Ms. Zun had such a... fortunate and hung fook childhood. She recalled experiences in like India, Dubai, Malaysia, China... All vacations with her family. Her parents go on vacations 4 times a year. My parents went on 4 vacations in their lifetime. We come from such different worlds, it's hilarious how we ended up sitting on the same rock, sharing the same bag of chips, looking at the same view that day.
Aha, I think I know why I'm depressed. Ms. Zun has lived such a great life thus far, and of course, being the guy that I am, I want to be able to provide the same life for her in the future. And that means I have to elevate myself to the point where I can afford a multi million dollar home and have 4 vacations a year. Fuck. How does one even do that? I'm no doctor. Hell, doctors can't even make that much after tax deductions and shit. Yes, there is a linear correlation between the amount of expletives I use and the amount of emotions I feel. With a biochemistry degree, I have to somehow find a way to make that much money. How the hell can I do that. I wish there was a visible path I can follow. If someone tells me there is a guaranteed path for financial success, I'd slave myself towards that. I dunno, maybe I'm all talk. If I truly walk how I talk, I wouldn't be stuck with this disgusting 75.5% average. Fucking hell. What am I suppose to do with an average like that. No Master's program will consider me seriously. All I can go into is like BCIT or something for nursing or whatnot. And I'm already behind, because people can go into nursing right out of highschool. I use to think lowly of my highschool friends who went into nursing at BCIT instead of going to UBC. How fucking STUPID I was back then. Holy shit, how did I even survive back then. How was I so stupid?
This is certainly a battle of titanic proportions. A David vs Goliath kind of thing. Me, a young man with a biochem degree with a shitty average, son to parents who are hard working as fuck, but not necessarily all that wealthy compared to the 1% of Vancouver, graduating with no plan at all, vs Ms. Zun, a lovely lady who has a pretty decent average of about 81-82%, smart, daughter of parents who are probably in the top 0.5%, well on her way of landing a program that will land her a job that pays $80k easy.
How am I suppose to win this battle? What am I not seeing? It's so frustrating. I feel like a tiger stuck in a cage. Well, I guess the first thing I could do is to stop doing useless shit like typing this blog, but I think if I don't list out my thoughts, I'd just go crazy. Besides, I think this helps me lay down my thoughts in a concrete fashion so I can examine it.
What it boils down to is that me and Ms. Zun comes from very different socioeconomic classes. She just simply doesn't get any life besides the affluent one. It's not her fault. Oh, important side note, I don't hate Ms. Zun. Not at all. I'm not jealous of her affluence, well, her parent's affluence. I'm not jealous of her fortunate life growing up. Well, maybe a tad, I'll be honest here. I sometimes think to myself, how would my life turn out if I was born into an affluent family? Will I be fucking brilliant? I don't know. I have a feeling that I'd end up being useless and game all day. I am what I am today because I have this terrible, TERRIBLE want/lust for financial success. I wouldn't have this lust if I was born into a wealthy family.
Which is why Ms. Zun is amazing. She can remain so sensible, and remain so unmaterialistic, despite circumstances that favors a character development of materialism and princess syndrome. In her shoes, I probably would have turned out like shit. She's a strong girl, she is.
Back to the original topic. I'm srsly having self doubts. I always thought I was the shit. I'm confident, and I carry myself with confidence. I give no shit about what other's think. Well, give not a lot of shit. But this Ms. Zun makes me aim high, so high in fact that I'm scared. I'm scared I can't reach there. I know so many ppl who seem to have their life together, and who seem like they are destined to make a decent sum. Why am I the only one who's clueless? What can I do to uncover a path for myself?
Ugh, it always comes down to money.
Anyway, so I gave her my gift of 0.3mm pens, which I was gonna give her for her last final, but that date didn't happen. She was appreciative, so I'm pretty sure I scored some points. Then we walked back, and went to Milestones for a meal. I secretly prepaid for the entire meal, so she can't even pay, even if she wanted to. I said it was her birthday meal, so it was my treat. She seemed mad though before I said it was because of her birthday, so I am def not gonna pull that stunt again hahaha. Anyway, dropped her off again, didn't hug her, again, and just before she left, I handed her a poem I wrote, and I was like, yo wait a minute, here's something else for your birthday. Don't open it until your birthday.
The poem's pretty sick, I gotta admit. I'm proud of what I wrote. 15 4-line stanzas of ABAB rhyme pattern. I think this is the right move, because her curiosity of the contents would probably put me subconsciously in her mind until at least June 1st. That's like free a week and a half of attention without me doing anything. Good return on investment lol.
Let the games continue...
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