Interesting change of mindset/point of view

Had a heart to heart with a friend today over ramen. One of the topics we went over was that my friend was quite satisfied with being single, because she has freedom to do whatever she wants with nothing to hold her back.

Hearing that, I then reflected on my life thus far, and what she said was true. When I was with my ex, I didn't rly have a social life other than with her, which wasn't a very healthy relationship now that I think about it. But now that I'm single, I've been doing fun stuff everyday...
EX: This week so far...
Sunday = boardgame / Dark Table
Monday = badminton / ramen
Tuesday = picnic / outdoor movies
Wednesday = hiking / boardgames
Thursday = dancing kpop / badminton / ramen
Friday = dinner / nightmarket
Saturday = lunch with friend.

I'd never have this kind of life if I was still with my ex.

And another thing is that during badminton today, a friend of mine had to leave early to pick up his gf, even though he still wanted to play more. Thus proving my friend's point.

But the thing is, I can't be single forever. So when do I start not being single anymore?

Dat's the million dollar question.

But I guess I can be single for now...

And enjoy it.

I think?

Need's further consideration and processing lol.

Random thoughts on Shrimp and Life

I was at my parent's restaurant today, and I was deveining shrimp at one point. To devein a shrimp is not actually removing the vein, but it's the intestines of the shrimp that you're actually removing, and the black stuff in it is sand/dirt/algae. Whether one needs to devein shrimp or not in the first place is a whole other topic for another time.

As I was deveining, I noticed that some shrimps had a crap load of crap in their intestines, and the intestines would be bloated and black. Other shrimps had nothing in their intestines, and I could barely see the intestines because it was clear, with bits of black sporadically along the intestine. I started to notice a trend where the bigger shrimps usually had more stuff in their intestines compared to the smaller shrimp. This got me thinking, "Why?" Why would some shrimp get so big and have so much to eat, while other shrimps stay puny and barely have anything to eat?

Maybe because it's just set up that way. Maybe since some of the shrimp got a tiny head start, that head start allowed them to become slightly better in finding food than other shrimps, and that slight edge compounding over time led to the eventual gargantuan size of some of these mofos compared to its kin. And the same goes for the weaker punier shrimps. Since they were a little crappier in terms of finding food in the beginning of their life, they slowly lagged behind their kin, and eventually grew up to be the pitiful sorry little puny shrimps they are now.

This situation seems familiar. Life is like this in general I think. Let's say I'm a guy who came from a wealthy family. In my disposal I'd already have $100k to invest, and I'm 23. Let's say return on investment was 5% a year. In 50 years I'd have $1.1 mil. If I had the same returns but if I started out with $20k, like what I actually have in the bank right now, I'd only have $218k in 50 years. That's a 5 times difference. But you know what? If I was the rich dude with the $100k starting, I'd have enough money for a nice down payment on a house by year... well, by year 1, actually, because $100k is enough to nab you a $500k home, which you can then rent out the bottom, or the entire thing if you are so inclined. Doing so would put your return on investment way past 5% a year. And if the dude can start off with... let's say 10% a year on investments with a $100k initial sum vs my 5% a year with a $20k initial sum, can you see why the rich get richer, while the poor get poorer? ($10.6 mil vs $218k... which is like 50 times difference...)

Wow, what is this self pitying crap. Is it self pitying? No, I don't think so. I don't pity myself. I'm just angry that I am denied the opportunity that others have but squander. I'm talking about all those rich Chinese immigrant fuckers who smoke all day and drive their Audi R8s and Nissan GTRs and hang around E-Spot all day long with their pretty import model quality girlfriend gold diggers. They could become even richer than their parents, yet they waste their time and life with stupid shit. They don't deserve the wealth on hand.

#Bitter? Yes, #Bitter. I'm bitter. I'm cynical. But at least I have drive and will. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to cry. Srsly.

On another note, I'm gonna try and ask this other girl out, but not for the same purpose as the one for Ms. Zun. For her, the purpose for dating her was to basically go big game hunting, and nab this amazing girl who I can picture, from the initial impressions at least, starting a family with. I know it's weird to say that about someone whom I only went out twice with, but you guys don't know how it feels to have an insane checklist that got checked off for practically everything. That shit doesn't happen.

Anyway, enough about the past. This new girl is a friend of a friend, and is part of the group I hang out with. She's 2 years older, but she's cute, and she's azn, so she looks way younger than she actually is. She's shy, which I like. She's a teacher that's currently working in a private school. From this description alone, friends of this group will def know who I'm talking about. I also gave them this blog's URL for some purpose that escapes me now. I'm banking on the fact that they would be bored of the shrimp talk and wouldn't read this far. I'm a gambling man.

So yeah, this girl. She's not as driven as I like people to be, and she drinks. That alone pretty much disqualifies her as a potential bearer of my children, but I got to thinking, dating isn't necessarily just to find the future bearer of my children right? Maybe it can also just be for me to be happy for now? I don't know. Am I talking like a loser? I feel like if I'm focused on my happiness now, I'd forgo future success, and I'd ultimately end up being a loser. Is there something wrong with me for thinking like this? Do I have to see a shrink? Nah.

So back to this girl again (I keep on diverging from the main topic, it's like I have ADD). I'll ask her out for a pre-date. It wouldn't even be a date. It'll just be a chance for us to get to know each other better. I was gonna ask tmrw irl, but her lil cousin is coming, and I don't want to make her day stressful by imposing that question on her... so I'll ask her... later.

I also like the thrill of the hunt, so that's a reason why I'm asking her out.

#Cynicism #Cantcompete #Bitter #99percentDarkChocolate #tableflip

Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil + Bouquet of roses + Beautiful sunset + Probably fancy dinner in Yaletown. Total Price: $145*2 + $60 + $60*2 = $470 (Or $720 total if VIP tickets were purchased instead of just regular front row seats, which is a high, HIGH possibility. I mean, if I was rich, the difference between $145 and $270 is not much. I'd ball out because I'm trying to court the girl, and I'd go with the VIP tix. I mean, if I was gonna go the extra mile and buy $60 roses, why not just add another $250 and get the VIP experience for Cirque du Soleil? I mean, I wouldn't have to put any extra effort in at all. I'd just have to purchase different tickets, that's all.)

Result: Got the girl.

Trip to Lighthouse Park + snacks + Milestones.
Total Price: $15 + $20*2 = $45

Result: Didn't get the girl.

Conclusion: Money is correlated with success in courting. Sample size of 1 is not enough to draw a conclusion. More samples are required.

This is just one out of a billion reasons why I need to get rich or die trying.

Should I date again?

It's a funny feeling, not having someone to chase after anymore. I don't like it. When I had Ms. Zun in my crosshairs, my search was actually over, and I had moved on to taking down the prey. But now she's out of the picture for now, and I have to go back to searching again, which is the worst part. It's terribly hard to find great girls, and I always feel the pressure of trying to find one before I'm like 30 and practically ready to retire. It literally took me a solid 1.5-2 years of online dating to find this Ms. Zun. I don't like that track record at all. Very very worrisome.

I remember when I was with my ex, and we were like 1 year into our relationship, I felt at peace and satisfied. I felt like a whole person. It's because I didn't have to worry about trying to look for "The One", because I was already with my ex. I had doubts sometimes whether she was the one or not, but most of the time I was happy with her. She was someone I could be close with emotionally and physically. I guess I miss that aspect, having someone whom I get to share everything with, someone whom I can just love with all my heart without it being overwhelming or overbearing for the other person.

Now I don't have anybody like that in my life. But it's a trade-off. When I was with my ex, she was my everything, and I was pretty much her everything. That meant that I didn't really have much of a social life outside of spending time with my ex. Now I have a lot more friends I hang out with, and I've become closer with my friends, which is awesome. But I don't have anyone where I can slap her on the ass and call her beautiful lol.

Can I live my life without someone whom I can be super close to and whom I can pour my heart out to? Probably, because I'm living right now. Would I feel complete? I don't feel complete right now. I know what it's like to have an intimate relationship and I miss that feeling. I think if I were to find someone else, I'd feel whole again. This feeling of wholeness... I don't think it's necessary for me to succeed in life and make a lot of money... but it would sure make me happier and more peaceful, and that's also a measure of success in life as well, besides money.

Is the fact that I miss having an intimate relationship enough reason for me to date just anyone decent? I am not sure... let's pro and con this out.

Pros for dating a girl who's decent, but not necessarily fully wifey material:
-someone to share thoughts and feelings with
-someone to get physically intimate with
-someone for me to love and care for

Cons for dating the above girl:
-will break up eventually due to the fact that I wouldn't want to marry them
-will get emotionally destroyed due to breakup
-all resources, like time and money, spent on relationship will be for naught, shitty return on investment, plus you gotta factor in the opportunity cost as well of the resources spent

So I guess I'd be sacrificing present money and time for present physical and emotional gratification. The alternative would be for me not to date, so I'd save money, and the time I could spend somewhere else more productive, but I wouldn't experience that intimacy again.

Overall, I don't know. What a great conclusion haha.

My first follower! Bonus post for her. PLUS Conclusion for Ms. Zun

Well, turns out my random posts/rants about my life has managed to land me a follower lol. I wasn't gonna post a post tonight, but I'll do one just for this follower, as a welcome gift of sorts. It's not gonna be much, just a summary of my day today.

 So, the first day as a guy who's objectively single again, I felt like I had to reinvent myself. I went out and bought a new old badminton racket. I used my sister's leftover BG-65 Ti strings so I don't have to pay for new strings, and got a pink overgrip to match the strings. The paint job is a nice chrome color, which they don't make anymore, for any of the manufacturers. $50 bucks for the racket + $11 for stringing, and I got the bag and overgrip for free. Not bad. The racket is an even balance, and it has a slightly larger head for a bigger sweet spot. Why pink? To make guys feel bad when I beat em with a pink racket. I want to put hello kitty stickers on it too actually. No joke.

Also got a haircut. I don't want to take a pic of myself, but I went and got a haircut that was very different than anything I had before. Shaved sides, and long middle, so I can gel it. Kinda looks like this:

Had the haircut in Richmond in this Plaza. It had like 5 different hair salons, and the first two I went to charged $33-$35 bucks, to which I said no way. The third place charged $13, which I thought was reasonable, and the barber was super friendly, and he shared the same name as me too. I'll def go there again.






Went to watch X-Men: Days of Future Past, and it was a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the mind fucks and how it ties in with the trilogy and First Class. Okay, I'll admit that I've never watched the trilogy, but I did watch First Class. Went with the same group of friends. Good thing with that group is that there are some girls there that are kind of cute, and I wouldn't mind dating for physical intimacy's sake, but I don't know if they'll make great future wife/moms. I don't know if I should think about that aspect of a girl at this early stage of my life (23). But then again, why be with a girl when you know that eventually, you'll have to break up? If I know that from the start, why should I get emotionally and financially invested in said person? Well, I can answer my own question. I miss the emotional and physical intimacy of having a good gal around. Even if they are not marriage material, they can still be GF material, and sometimes I think that's enough to get me by. I am actually not sure where I stand on this issue. Maybe my follower can post a comment and enlighten me on this issue.

One good thing about having so much shit to think about, like how I'm going to make money and how I'm gonna find The One, I am never bored. I can easily fall back into thinking and planning. My time is never wasted, and my brain is never idle, except when I sleep.

Lastly,

Mah boy Taeyang came out with his new album, Rise. This song, Eyes, Nose, Lips, is great. The melody perfectly suits how I'm feeling about this Ms. Zun. She's basically gone. Actually, that's not true. Here's what I typed to her:

TL;DR = This wall o’ text is not sappy nor is it typed in desperation. Hehe, don’t worry. I’m not as oblivious to the signs as you think I am. I just chose to ignore em all until you’ve “come clean”, which you have, so now I’ll acknowledge it. I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I saw the Cirque pics, and I gave pinky a gentlemen golf clap, because it seems his execution that night was near flawless. This revelation didn’t take me by surprise though, because I’ve already thought of most of the ways of how our little thing could end, and this was one of em, so I already have a lil something prepared. To make your decision easier, I’m gonna tell you right now, go for pinky. Why? Because I’m going to be leaving the country for the next year, and I’m leaving July 28th. #Shyamalan #PlotTwist. Well, maybe you figured it out too. You’re a bright girl, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you knew I was gonna ditch Canada for Korea. I’ll be teaching English there. My original plan, before I met you, was to just kind of date around on POF, and not even give it much thought precisely because it would be super short term anyway. I’d go to Korea, have fun, and hopefully meet a cute Korean girl I could date while I’m there. Maybe I’d even meet a fellow ESL teacher that I could date as well. But then some sunuvagun called ThirdFloorasaurus (spelling is correct?), replied to my messages, and the TL;DR of that whole thing is, I changed my plan to accommodate for said person. I decided that the best strategy would be to see this person as much as I could before I leave, and establish enough rapport and feelings that this person would be willing to continue the budding relationship as a long distance one. Yes, I was willing to go to Korea, the land full of cute plasticky girls, with the status of taken, and basically turn off my radar that helps me hunt for potential girlfriends. I had a game plan all ready to go, which includes me mailing you little care packets from Korea weekly. And we all know how that plan worked out. I don’t blame you nor I though. I don’t blame myself because I tried my best, and that’s enough. I don’t blame you because who am I to say what you should feel, right? And quite frankly, I don’t need you. My lungs will still expand and contract without you. My S.A. node will keep on setting the pace without you. I’ll still be as happy as before I met you, which, from all my activities, is pretty damn happy. What I won’t be without you though, is that I won’t have the chance to be exponentially happier than I’ve ever been in my life if I had the chance to call you my girl, officially, for the whole world to know. But that’s fine, it only took me 23 years to meet someone like you. I’m sure if I search for another 23 years, I’d find someone to replace you I hope you can excuse my greediness, and the fact that I wanted to hog you for myself, even though I’d be in Korea. So let’s make a deal. We’ll still keep in touch, you go date this Pinky person, and I’ll try my shenanigans in Korea. After one year, when I’m back again, we’ll convene again and see if the timing will be better. Sounds fair? PS: I don’t mean to inflate your ego further, but I must emphasize that you’re pretty much cream of the crop, and you deserve the best of the best guys out there, however you determine what is “the best of the best”. Make sure this pinky dude is legit, and make sure this person brings out the best in you, and makes you strive to become a better person every day, like you’ve made me strive. Also, thanks for showing me that unicorns do exist. I’ve always doubted whether smart, kind, and pretty girls existed in this world, but then I met you. Now I’m never gonna settle for anything less. Thanks for setting the bar so damn high PPS: I was planning to tell you everything during our next meet up, and I was gonna show you this vid, but apparently it’s not gonna happen, so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxdsxZ8AeBU#t=545 Make sure you start from 9:05. They sung this song for me to you.

Immortal Songs 2 | 불후의 명곡 2: Shin Yongjae & Yoon Minsoo, Girls Day, ALi & more (2014.04.26)

www.youtube.com

Which she replied:

You're a good guy, XXX. And that sounds really really really amazing. Live life while young right? I hope you have a great experience in Korea. Do all the cool things, meet great people. And girls. ;D

I think life is all about chance and timing anyways. So I think that's perfectly fair. I haven't met a guy like you ever So ready to take on the world haha. So keep on being that person and I'm sure you'll achieve anything you want

I'm pretty sure she's just saying all that to be nice. She doesn't know me well enough to know how awesome I am, but it's not her fault. I hope this last bit makes all my 2 followers of this drama satisfied. I'll try this Ms. Zun again next year after I'm back from Korea.

Game Over

Yup, game over. Something happened and Ms. Zun is like distancing herself away from me. Doesn't reply to my shit on time, and by on time i mean within 8 hours. It's pretty terrible. I'd initiate the convo and talk about 3-4 different things, in 3-4 different consecutive messages on Facebook, and she'd only reply to one of the topics, a day later. I'd ask her how her day was like 4 times on 4 separate occasions on different days, and she has yet to tell me how her day went. It's fucking terrible. Among the items I talk about, one of em would be asking her availability during the week for a meet up, and she would never reply with an answer to my questions. I think I give up on starting any relationship with her. Now, I'm stubborn, and I won't admit defeat until I get a resounding no, so my new goal is just to squeeze a no from her so I can drop this without lingering thoughts of "What if I tried harder... maybe she would have said yes."

Am I sad? I am sad at the fact that potentially I could have been exponentially happier than I am now, but I have lost that possibility. Even though overall, excluding emotions brought about due to her, I'm pretty happy, I could still be happier if she was The One, and I managed to initiate a relationship with her. I don't need her. My lungs still work without her. My heart still beats without her. Do I want her? I thought I wanted her. After all, I have never met a girl who filled out my checklist, or at least a very large majority anyway. Of course I wanted her. But I guess it just isn't meant to be. I can actually find something to be grateful about in this scenario, in this one timeline out of millions. I can go to Korea knowing that I have left nothing behind me back in Canada. I don't have to go through the whole Long Distance Relationship thing.

And what can I learn from this experience. I don't know. Not to write her a poem next time? I dunno if it was the poem that did me in or not though, that's the thing. She might inherently not be ready for me, and no matter what I did or didn't do, she would probably still not have liked me back.

Ah! Yes, the most important lesson of all: She proves that it is possible to find someone with all 3 qualities.

I'll keep looking... but for now, back to POF.

EDIT: She posted this the next day

there's someone else who's been asking me out and right now i'm just getting really confused

I knew it. I fricking knew it.

Day Something: still lovesick.

Dunno how many days has gone by since I've met this person. I don't know why this event has struck me the way it has. Well, maybe I do. It's just hard to think about other stuff right now without thinking about her. I think I'll refer to her as her from now on.

Just wanted to type this out to help me to go to sleep. Came back from a fairly fun evening with some friends. We did a ramen party, had a ramen cook-off. I tried to emulate what I ate at Hida Takayama, which was their sesame ramen. I did a ground beef + carmalized onion mix, but there wasn't enough soup stock nor sesame flavour, so my ramen pretty much failed. Looked like:

I didn't make it to the top 3... but I thought it still tasted good. Maybe I'm just partial lol. We then made and ate cream puffs, played DDR, Super Smash Bros Brawl, Monopoly (I lost due to unlucky landing on Boardwalk), and Resistance. She messaged me with pics of her event. She got to see Adam and Jamie from the Mythbusters. How this whole thing turned out makes me quite sad. Ideally in a perfect world, I would have gone with her to that event. Maybe if I had more skill I could have made it happen. Economically, this event is a sunk cost, with the cost being emotion, so I shouldn't even dwell on it, but at the same time, it's good for athletes to look back at their previous games and learn from mistakes... so I guess I'll do that now...

If I asked her directly to go with me...

1. If she was already gonna go with friends, she'd be forced to reject my offer. 

2. If she wasn't going to go, and she doesn't wanna go with me, another reject.

3. If she wants to go and would be alright with going with me, then she would have accepted.

I think at the point where I'd ask, she wouldn't have been comfortable with going out to that event with me so it would have just been a rejection, probably in the form of ignoring. 

I kind of feel that me constantly asking her out makes me feel desperate, but at the same time though, if I don't ask her out to do stuff, who will, right? 

Well, the most important thing is, she seemed to have fun today, and she shared her photos on FB, and with me privately on FB msg. I saw it and didn't respond til I got back home at like 12:30 am, which is 5 hours. I think it's fine, because the lil wait time will bolster up the image of me being independent and not absolutely bat shit crazily deeply entrenched in the possibility of being with her. Sigh.

Kinda feel sleepy now, but it's good. I don't want to stay up thinking about her, because I need to sleep. I'd probably dwell on what I should do for the next date. The fact that she still is talking to me suggests that she doesn't want me to disappear from her life. She keeps me around, so I must have some value to her. She sees something in me that's worth talking to me. My god I feel like a pet or a dog. See? This is bad. This is like... clingy desperation shit, but I don't want to be this way. But is this way true love? Like, would girls be turned on by this "devotion" or turned off by this "clingy shit"? I have no idea. Playing all of this by ear.

BTW, spending a lot more time with females, IE: The girls today at the Ramen cook off. They're nice girls, but they are no where near the complete package that She brings to the table. Bench marking Her like no tmrw, and she's passing with flying colours.

Well, just to think, me and Her, we have a differential in what we're feeling for one another. I think my job is to equalize the playing field by either me feeling less for her, or her feelings more for me. I like the latter option better. Maybe she still wants to know me better. I'll design a Q&A session with her for the 3rd date. I also have to design a way to ask her again for the next date without sounding like, "Yo, I'm available 24/7, 365 days of the year for you. Pick a day, and I'll be there for you." cuz that's just clingy. But I feel that way, and I don't know if I should or not. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Lol j/k. 

I'll think of something. I always do. 

Can I get off this rollercoaster? Pl0x? + My Psychoanalysis of myself and Today's events.

Fuck. GG. Well, not rly. Ms. Zun ignored my offer. Replied back, but at a time when she's already in Chilliwack at 9:55 pm. IE: Here's a forced "No" on you, and you can't do anything about it because it's 9:55 pm and I'm in Chilliwack and you're in Surrey."

It's fine, she prob had plans for tonight's meteor shower. We're clearly at different stages of love. I'm practically head over heels... needlessly and I probably shouldn't be. She's taking this cautiously. Fuck me. I wanna give her so much of myself, but I have to hold it back because there's stuff you don't do while still in the very initial stages of the relationship. But in the middle of a deep relationship, that stuff would be fine.

IE: If we were 2 years in, it would be sweet if I suggested taking her to Abbotsford to view the meteor shower. If we were 1 month in... no, if we weren't even together, and if we were only testing the waters, then it would be viewed as desperate. Why the fuck is that the case? It's lame. So lame. Is it wrong for me to love with all my heart? I only have 1 mode, that's it. It's like my powerlevel is over 9000, but I gotta put a limiter on myself or else all these mortals around me will disintegrate from my pure energy.

I hate that I have to limit myself, but I guess I have to. Maybe my heart has been on my sleeve too long and I gotta grab it back, and conceal it again. This emotional rollercoaster is hard to deal with.

Objective analysis time:

I gave her an option to go with me. She neither had a straight up yes or no.

Interpretation: She wanted to say no, but couldn't do it in a direct way, which resulted in an indirect no.
Why couldn't she say no directly? She's not the direct type.

Why would she say no? A myriad of reasons.
1. She doesn't wanna hang out with me today.
2. She wants to hang out with me, but already made plans with others, and didn't want to include me.
3. She wants to hang out with me, but doesn't want to make it seem like she's too desperate so she said no.
4. She doesn't want to go to Abbotsford, but somewhere closer.

1 = ouch, nothin I can do
2 = she needs more time to know me, and eventually she'll acclimatize me to her friends.
3 = she's not a dating pro, she won't do that move
4 = I'm actually not sure if I interpreted her message right. Maybe she's not in Chilliwack. If she was though, this would not be a valid reason

I did text her at like 1am about the meteor shower, and she practically replied right away...
She's naive. It could just be that she doesn't know the rules, and just texted back cuz it was convenient. She always has her phone with her. If she doesn't text back right away, it's either cuz she's busy, or she is playing the texting game. Either way, she would have read the message immediately. Is there a silver lining from this fact that she msged me back right away? I doubt it.

Overall... bad outcome for today.

Could money have solved this problem? No.

What could have solved this problem? Nothing. I had two choices: Offer her an invite. Not offer her an invite. Outcome of not offering her an invite? Not being able to see the shower with her tonight. Outcome of offering her an invite? A slim possibility of seeing her tonight, seeing a shower together. High possibility of getting a "No". Which is the best outcome? I'd say the second one is, so therefore I made the right choice by offering her an invite to give myself a slim chance of seeing her. I'd take a slim chance over no chance any day. I did the right move today. I should be happy.

Sidenote, spent the majority of the day with my friend. Hard to believe that I once liked her. Had a Pinkberry froyo groupon I would have used on Ms. Zun, but used it on my friend instead. It's fine, cuz she's my friend. Walked around a bit in Metro, then went to Coquitlam to knock on doors for food donations as part of foodshareday.org . We collected 70.5 lbs of food between 3 people, with my froyo friend being one of em. Then I dropped my froyo friend home, and decided to watch the meteor shower with her. Her bro and our mutual guy friend came along, which is fine. I didn't care. Kinda cold windy night. Laid towels on the grass. They all lied down, and I was gonna lie down on my car, when my froyo friend told me to lie down beside her. I'm like, hmmmm, intimate, but sadly, not with Ms. Zun. I lied there beside her, and I thought to myself, there was once a time where I would have relished this moment. But no, not tonight. All I thought about was Ms. Zun. Effing hell. It's like I'm sick, the way I'm afflicted with this disease of my mind. I guess that's why they call it lovesick.

Alright, so what's the battle plan? Date 2 finished, didn't get neg vibes. Date 3 should be a go. I have to plan date 3. This will be tough... to plan something unique. She has money, that Ms. Zun. She prob did more things than I have ever done in my life... except for hiking. I am the king of that domain by a long shot. And I guess scuba. And wine tasting. I guess I have some stuff up my sleeve too. Oh boy I'm tired. It's like almost 3 am. But I gotta type this all out. I just gotta. Or else I wouldn't even be able to fall asleep. This shit bothers me so much.

Side side note: Took pics of me and my two female foodshareday compadres. If Ms. Zun sees it, I hope she gets jelly. Damn, I'm .... what's the word... petty? I dunno, maybe I am. I just hate feeling this way, so helpless and depressed that I can't seem to do anything to move this relationship along. At least the direction of movement is right... but it's hard to tell. I'll spend tonight in bed thinking of what kind of activity I can do with Ms. Zun. Oh yeah, fking today, she's gonna go see the Mythbusters at UBC Alumni Weekend. And I was planning to go with her, but she's going with her friends instead. Fuck, I am sooooo bitter. Sooo choked. I finally realized since I can't be integrated with her friends, I have to grab her on a specific day when she's not hanging out with them, which is rare, because she's always doing something with someone. Fuck me. I'm gonna go pray some more. Lord, help me guide my way. Guide me, show me the path. Show me how I can win Ms. Zun. If you show me I will follow.

Side Side Side Note: Meteor shower was shitty. Didn't see shit. Pinkberry was average.

Let the games continue tomorrow.

The most banal post ever.

Nothing much. Just wanted to say that there is a never-before-seen meteor shower tonight:

http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/183007-tonights-brand-new-meteor-shower-could-turn-into-a-1000-meteors-per-hour-storm



Ms. Zun loves meteor showers, so I asked her if she was available tonight. I mentioned the meteor shower, then I mentioned if she was free tonight from like 11pm to 1am. I'm pretty sure anyone can figure out that I'm asking her out to see the meteor shower. My plan is to drive her down to McDonald Park in Abbotsford. It's a Dark Sky Park, and basically by law, they limit the light there for astronomical reasons. Favourite place for casual astronomers to go to observer meteor showers.

I predict that she won't answer me all day. It's how things are sometimes. I think I could have asked her in a better way, now that I think about it, but it's too late now. The message is sent. The better way I think would be something like, " So, are you going to see the meteor shower with your friends tonight, or are you gonna skip tonight?" If she says she'll skip, then I could ask her if she wanted to go with me. If she says she will go with her friends, then I'd be like, have fun. The way I asked her was indirect... too indirect... too pussy. It's like I'm giving her a chance to say no. But I think I should give her a chance to say no. I don't want to pressure her into being with me if she doesn't want to... right? But what kind of mindset is that? Oh, I don't know if she wants to be with me. I don't know if she has fun with me. I should be thinking, I'm da shit. Of course she has fun with me, and of course she wants to be with me. I don't know if that way of thinking is thinking with confidence, or just being plain cocky. I have to keep it in a balance.

But I can't go back on this invite, and the way I invited her. It'll probably not go through. But, I think I did the right thing by proactively inviting her out. Like, she won't make the move, ever. So it's up to me to keep on bringing her out with me to places and for me to arrange times for us to spend together. Better to try and fail than to not try at all, am I right? I think I'm right.

And as long as I keep making the right decisions day by day, I can't blame myself if things fail, because if I've done the best I can to control the controllables, IE: my own actions, then it's not my fault if stuff goes wrong.

Anyway, we'll see how the game pans out.

And also, I promised my sweet Lord that if things work out with me and this Ms. Zun, and if we end up being together... I'm converting. LOL.

Second date went well... so why am I depressed?

Dear Diary, (lol at the rate I'm going, might as well just treat this blog as a diary for now...)

Today I went on a second date with Ms. Zun. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was sunny, but it wasn't super hot. The sun's rays felt subdued in terms of heat, but it was very bright all the same. So I drove to her house, and lo and behold, I arrived at 10:00 am exactly. Another sign maybe God exists, I dunno. I haven't been praying to Him lately, but I should. I should talk to Him more. I wonder if my prayers can be in the form of a blog on the internet, like this one. Like, can I be like, dear God, thanks for the wonderful weather and my timely arrival to Ms. Zun's house. Will God hear my electronic message? I'm thinking, since God isn't physical, then God wouldn't rly need to hear my spoken prayer right?

Anyway, so yes, timely arrival right at 10 sharp to Ms. Zun's place. Picked her up from her multi-million dollar home, which by the way, wasn't really a mansion. That house would only be $1 mil max in Langley... maxxxx. It's only worth $4 mil or so because of the location, which is like a stone's throw from a major mall in Vancouver. We drove and talked, no awkward silences or anything. Arrived at Lighthouse Park, and did the same trails I did with my friends last time. What surprised me was that Ms. Zun initiated in taking a selfie with me. Pretty much in my head, I was like, yeah, I don't know if she wants to take a pic with me. She might not be ready to have pics with some dude and show to her friends. So I just forgot about it, and I started to walk away from a viewpoint back down to the trail, when she said, wait come back here, and then told me let's take a selfie.

Logically speaking, a person would want to take a picture so they can look back at the view in a future time, so they can remember the moment when the pic was taken. So if my logic is sound, then would that mean Ms. Zun wanted to take a pic with me so she can remember today? It would be cool if that was the case. She didn't take a pic of just me though... and I only took 1 pic of just her. I didn't post it on FB yet, just in case she doesn't want to be seen on my feed.

We sat down at another view point, and had a snack of salsa and chips. Talked about a lot of things. Man, Ms. Zun had such a... fortunate and hung fook childhood. She recalled experiences in like India, Dubai, Malaysia, China... All vacations with her family. Her parents go on vacations 4 times a year. My parents went on 4 vacations in their lifetime. We come from such different worlds, it's hilarious how we ended up sitting on the same rock, sharing the same bag of chips, looking at the same view that day.

Aha, I think I know why I'm depressed. Ms. Zun has lived such a great life thus far, and of course, being the guy that I am, I want to be able to provide the same life for her in the future. And that means I have to elevate myself to the point where I can afford a multi million dollar home and have 4 vacations a year. Fuck. How does one even do that? I'm no doctor. Hell, doctors can't even make that much after tax deductions and shit. Yes, there is a linear correlation between the amount of expletives I use and the amount of emotions I feel. With a biochemistry degree, I have to somehow find a way to make that much money. How the hell can I do that. I wish there was a visible path I can follow. If someone tells me there is a guaranteed path for financial success, I'd slave myself towards that. I dunno, maybe I'm all talk. If I truly walk how I talk, I wouldn't be stuck with this disgusting 75.5% average. Fucking hell. What am I suppose to do with an average like that. No Master's program will consider me seriously. All I can go into is like BCIT or something for nursing or whatnot. And I'm already behind, because people can go into nursing right out of highschool. I use to think lowly of my highschool friends who went into nursing at BCIT instead of going to UBC. How fucking STUPID I was back then. Holy shit, how did I even survive back then. How was I so stupid?

This is certainly a battle of titanic proportions. A David vs Goliath kind of thing. Me, a young man with a biochem degree with a shitty average, son to parents who are hard working as fuck, but not necessarily all that wealthy compared to the 1% of Vancouver, graduating with no plan at all, vs Ms. Zun, a lovely lady who has a pretty decent average of about 81-82%, smart, daughter of parents who are probably in the top 0.5%, well on her way of landing a program that will land her a job that pays $80k easy.

How am I suppose to win this battle? What am I not seeing? It's so frustrating. I feel like a tiger stuck in a cage. Well, I guess the first thing I could do is to stop doing useless shit like typing this blog, but I think if I don't list out my thoughts, I'd just go crazy. Besides, I think this helps me lay down my thoughts in a concrete fashion so I can examine it.

What it boils down to is that me and Ms. Zun comes from very different socioeconomic classes. She just simply doesn't get any life besides the affluent one. It's not her fault. Oh, important side note, I don't hate Ms. Zun. Not at all. I'm not jealous of her affluence, well, her parent's affluence. I'm not jealous of her fortunate life growing up. Well, maybe a tad, I'll be honest here. I sometimes think to myself, how would my life turn out if I was born into an affluent family? Will I be fucking brilliant? I don't know. I have a feeling that I'd end up being useless and game all day. I am what I am today because I have this terrible, TERRIBLE want/lust for financial success. I wouldn't have this lust if I was born into a wealthy family.

Which is why Ms. Zun is amazing. She can remain so sensible, and remain so unmaterialistic, despite circumstances that favors a character development of materialism and princess syndrome. In her shoes, I probably would have turned out like shit. She's a strong girl, she is.

Back to the original topic. I'm srsly having self doubts. I always thought I was the shit. I'm confident, and I carry myself with confidence. I give no shit about what other's think. Well, give not a lot of shit. But this Ms. Zun makes me aim high, so high in fact that I'm scared. I'm scared I can't reach there. I know so many ppl who seem to have their life together, and who seem like they are destined to make a decent sum. Why am I the only one who's clueless? What can I do to uncover a path for myself?

Ugh, it always comes down to money.

Anyway, so I gave her my gift of 0.3mm pens, which I was gonna give her for her last final, but that date didn't happen. She was appreciative, so I'm pretty sure I scored some points. Then we walked back, and went to Milestones for a meal. I secretly prepaid for the entire meal, so she can't even pay, even if she wanted to. I said it was her birthday meal, so it was my treat. She seemed mad though before I said it was because of her birthday, so I am def not gonna pull that stunt again hahaha. Anyway, dropped her off again, didn't hug her, again, and just before she left, I handed her a poem I wrote, and I was like, yo wait a minute, here's something else for your birthday. Don't open it until your birthday.

The poem's pretty sick, I gotta admit. I'm proud of what I wrote. 15 4-line stanzas of ABAB rhyme pattern. I think this is the right move, because her curiosity of the contents would probably put me subconsciously in her mind until at least June 1st. That's like free a week and a half of attention without me doing anything. Good return on investment lol.

Let the games continue...

Tmrw: 2nd Date

Lol it seems like all I've been doing is just making posts whenever I get rly happy or rly sad, or when I just experience strong emotion in general due to Ms. Zun. I'm sure I'll post some useful crap once in a while as well.

Just a little more, Ms. Zun's house is multi million (2.1 when purchased) and is like 10-20 mins away from all the malls in Vancouver/Richmond. It's prob worth like 3-4 mil now, since 2.1 was the forclosed price. I find it amazing that being raised in such affluence, my Ms. Zun can still be so sensible (I think, nothing is known as fact just yet, it's just my interpretation of the limited interactions with her/ her words) and mature, as oppose to suffering from uber princess syndrome. Haha, I'm kinda ashamed that I'm pulling up to a house like that in a $16k Jetta TDI. Juuuust kiding. I am not ashamed, and I have no reason to be.

This is straight up like a Disney fairy tale where a poor pauper fell in love with a wealthy princess. Somehow, I gotta also make this a happy ending as well.

Some cool notes:
-she told me her house address

-I can pick her up

This conveys that she trusts me... a fair bit. Not bad for the 2nd date, considering the first date, she didn't even let me drive her. 

Some crappy notes:

I was like, so yeah, bout tmrw, we're going hiking right? (Of course not that blatant, I asked in a very salesman round about way to make it seem like I'm not desperate to go tmrw). She's like, oh, I almost forgot about that. 

Dammnnnn ouch. Obvs if she was head over heals about me, as soon as I said, "Yo, since you can't do Thursday, lets do next Wednesday." She'd remember it for sure. Since she forgot, that means I got more work to do... 

Alright, let's end this with ME, 화이팅!!!

And the roller coaster continues...

Well, good news is that from yesterday's conversation, she doesn't exactly never want to see me again. She was talking about her OT meeting, and her advisor wants Ms. Zun to volunteer at a ranch for kids who have serious mental and physical illnesses, and she told me to go join her. Made me kind of feel good, the fact that she wanted me to go with her. I'm sure this gesture is genuine, because there was no need for her to lie like that. If she didn't want me to go with her, then she would have just told me about her opportunity, and leave it at that.

The sad thing is, I haven't volunteered for a single second of my life, and I definitely am not qualified for this ranch volunteering experience. I mean, I don't have any experience with taking care of kids, let alone kids with serious mental and physical illnesses. What if one of em dies in my experienced hands? So as much as I want to do this with her, I can't, and I don't think I should.

Overall, developments are turning out okay. It definitely feels like a one way street when it comes to who's courting who. I'm definitely making most of the effort in terms of engaging in conversation and setting up dates. It's not that I mind being the proactive one, but I just hope that she'll reciprocate my feelings one day. I guess I can view my efforts as a long term investment with no guaranteed return on investment. Lol, financially, I'd never invest my money into something like that. But feelings and emotion makes people do strange, strange things.

Lastly, I've always been telling myself, "Yo, you've been too proactive mang. You need to calm the hell down and wait for her to engage you once in a while..." but I never do. As soon as she replies back, I get excited, and I reply back within 30 mins. I don't have the discipline to not message her for a day. I think maybe I won't message her today. And since I'm going to Mt. Baker, I'll msg her after I come back to Canada on Tuesday. Hopefully this five day period of silence from me will catalyze this process of courtship for the better. Either she realizes that she misses talking to me, and therefore realizes that maybe she is developing feelings for me, or she realizes that she didn't miss me that much, and will lose interest in me... boy, I really hate mind games.

Hmmmm, maybe I should say something impressionable to her today to make her think of me during my absence. But maybe if I do this, I'll seem too desperate, and it will be counter to what I want. Maybe if I don't say anything her today, it will make her wonder why, and she'll keep wondering until I come back from Mt. Baker. I'm kind of leaning towards the second option, because I'll juxtapose my seemingly lack of thought for her through not talking to her today and not saying goodbye with an act of thoughtfulness by getting something for her from the states... probably candy/chocolate, because most girls like chocolate. The contrast will surprise her and further heighten my gift when we meet up again on Wednesday...So somehow I gotta get Jack to stop by a Walmart so I can pick up some snacks for Ms. Zun, which means I have to convince Jack to drive through the Pacific Border Crossing instead of the Sumas crossing. Sumas is like a deserted ghost town; they don't have a Walmart or Walgreen or anything where I can get snacks. Sighhhh.

Anyway, some non-Ms. Zun related news, been hiking a lot lately. Got lots and lots of nice pics too. I love bringing friends hiking, because we all can get back with nature, and we can all spend some quality time together and chatting, free from technological distractions. There's this girl... let's call her 유냈스. She's friends with my other friend for a year now. They go to the same church. My friend was interested in 유냈스, and so whenever she joined our hikes, I try to be a good wingman and either remove myself from the picture, or take down other people with me, leaving them two alone.

First hike was kinda like a double date of sorts, except that I was definitely not interested in the 2nd girl, but I still talked to her alot just to remove myself and this 2nd girl from the picture, giving my friend and 유냈스 time alone to talk. Yesterday was another hike, and this time it was even harder. It was only me, my friend, and 유냈스. And this 유냈스 is pretty white washed, and has Caucasian mannerisms. She is quite chatty, while my friend is kind of the more stoic, silent, thinking type. And as for me, I'm chatty when I want to be. So she was talking to me alot, and all that time I was just nodding along, and giving appropriate responses once in a while, but I was thinking, hmmmm, how can I involve my friend into this conversation? It was hard! And during the hike, I basically either trailed behind, or led the way, trying to give them two space. When we sat down and took a break, I just kinda booked it and said I was exploring, and gave them time to themselves. I tried, my 친구, I tried. Hopefully he'll make a move on her. She's actually pretty, sensible, and single, and I think she'll be good for my friend. I kept on nudging him along and coerce him to ask her out, but he won't lol.

So now what? I'm going to work on another post, and talk about beauty and dating. I'll double check my packing for Mt. Baker, play some piano, and learn some Korean. And of course, try my best to get my mind off Ms. Zun, but it's a tall order.

Lol

Lol. Thought everything was going well. Good feedback from Ms. Zun about my lil prix fixe menu. Thought the date was gonna be on Thursday.

Msged her this evening. She responds back pretty quickly, then for my subsequent msgs she responds like 2 hours later...

...saying that Thursday is cancelled because she has piano kids to teach.

Objectively, most of this is understandable. She claimed she was busy Mon/Tues. So if she was, she wouldn't have been able to teach her kids, and it would make sense for her to shift her students to Thurs and Fri. Subjectively...

Sigh. I'm use to it now. It's pretty much become SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). I say something, especially something to do with dating, or something sweet, she doesn't respond right away anymore. Pretty much responds the next day. And even when I do organize stuff, she says she's busy.

I'll treat this as a test. A test of my will and determination. At the end of the day, it won't matter if I succeed in dating her or not. Well, it would matter, if I determine that she is the person I think she is. But what's more important, I can look back and be proud of the effort I put in for pursuing her.

EDIT: Said something else to her, and she disappeared on me again. Objectively, this is what happens:
1. She messages me back. She appears to have the green circle, indicating she's online.
2. I respond to her message. I give a good 3-4 msg bubbles worth of response.
3. *Poof* Her green dot turns into a grey dot, indicating that she either turned off the chat on me, or she logged off herself. The time it takes for her dot to turn grey is about 30 seconds to 1 minute after I message her.
4. There is a period of time where she doesn't respond. This period lasts anywhere from 1-2 hours to like 8-10 hours.
5. She responds. Rinse and repeat cycle.

Sometimes, the loop breaks where we manage to have a back and forth convo. We use to have a lot of that, but lately, ever since the first date, things have changed. I don't even know why. I haven't done anything differently. All I've done is to flirt lightly here and there. Objectively (I always use the word objectively, and it may seem overused, but I believe in logical thinking, and logical thinking is thinking void of emotions, and using only objective observations void of personal interpretation, so whenever I try to logically deduce something, I try and rid myself of emotions, and I let my readers know I'm doing so by saying "so objectively....") I think there is a greater deviation of behaviour on her end compared to on my end. My changes in behaviour just included a gradual increase in flirtatious messages, and an increase in saying sweet things, things I want to say, but would have held back had I not confessed to her that I like her.

Example: So she said she's sorry for being such a downer these days; she's been telling me how her friends annoy her because her friends seem like they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and that it disgusts her when her friends say stuff like, "Ehr mah gerd I can't even put sushi from X Restaurant without gagging." (Sidenote: what kind of spoiled brat would say that?)((Side side note: Ms. Zun was born into an affluent family, but she's not spoiled, and that's one of the reasons why I like her). She also said that someone said something that reminded her of her grandmother, who's passed away. For the record, I don't mind at all that she's sharing this with me. I want to be there for her, so the more she shares with me, the better.

My response to her calling herself a downer was something along the lines of, "I don't think you're a downer. And even if you were, I actually don't mind at all, because that just means I have to try harder to bring smiles to your face on Thursday." Boom, 10 points to GRYFFINDOR YO.

I'm just getting so tired... but I'll endure on. Lol, I fking sound like I'm Ghandi or something. This is ridiculous. My life should not be this affected by someone. The Dr. Spock in me is just shaking his head at myself... Man, 10 points from Gryffindor for letting this one girl mess me up like this.

Moar rage n whatnot

Lol this is good therapy, gotta admit it. So yeah, obviously the only reason why I ever post here these days is because I need to vent my frustration and confusion, and this post is gonna be no different. So I'll save y'all some time and just tell you that up front, so you don't have to read the whole post for anything meaningful. With that out of the way, let the ranting begin! Oh yeah, I actually learned about the infinite banking concept, and I shall write another post just on that topic. But this post itself is just purely going to be me ranting.
inb4mszun

Lol, yes, it's about her again. So, what's bothering me about this whole thing lately? Well...

1. I suggested to her that as a potential activity together, we could go see the Mythbusters, who are coming to UBC. I had the feeling she kinda brushed it aside. But now she found out some of her friends are going, she also wants to go now. Ouch. Well, I don't know if the situation is like how I described it. That's just my interpretation. Objectively, I have stated the fact that we could go see the Mythbusters. I have left it there. There was no response received from her about this idea. Time passed. She then yesterday informed me that she might be going to Mythbusters after all. The end. I interpret this as her wanting to go, but not wanting to go with me. Which is totally a valid interpretation of the events, if you ask me. Well, maybe it's just because I'm still new in her life and she doesn't feel comfortable with going to Mythbusters with me, but it makes me sad nonetheless.

2. Via text, I texted her whether she was available Monday or Tuesday evening for a dinner or coffee. That was... last night. It's been 18  hours, and she still hasn't responded to my text. So our convo ended with me msging her like 4 times via text in quick succession. Today, I was also the one who sent the first message. Well, I actually promised her yesterday that I'll send her my cake pics, but still, I pretty much broke allllllll the rules for the texting game. I doubly texted her before she even replied to my first set of texts. 나어똫게? What should I do? Man, why does she have to be so perfect, at least from initial interactions that's my view of her. If she was less perfect and less of a quality gal, I wouldn't even care what happened. Look at Ms. Y, the super hot Chinese girl that's studying right now. I forgot all about her lol. She had the looks, but we didn't connect like I connected with Ms. Zun. Literally, I have never met someone like this Ms. Zun in all of 23 years of my life, and I really don't want to spend another 23 years looking for another girl like her. I sound desperate don't I? Well, let's say you won the jackpot for $10 million dollars, and all that's standing between you and the money is a skill testing question. But guess what? That skill testing question is a fucking physical chemistry question on thermodynamics which requires the use of multivariable calculus to get the answer. You're so close, yet so far! That's exactly how I feel! Of course Ms. Zun is worth much more than $10 mil to me, and some could argue that this test I'm going through is harder than the multivariable calculus question.

So at this stage, I'm going through emotional ups and downs, lots of em, and delta amplitude between the ups and downs is pretty large, to be honest. I don't think I've ever felt this way in a hella long time, and I don't like how my emotions fluctuate like this. It ain't right. Being in love really is bothersome. I guess I just gotta take it one day at a time, because there is no way in hell I can control the future, or know what the future has in store, so I just have to make the best moves I can in the moment, and hopefully those moves would lead to a better future.

As much of an objective observation as I can make, I think that she isn't talking with me as much as before. We still have bursts of chatting, but it feels (ah shit, I used the word feel, which has no place in an objective analysis) like she's limiting herself when it comes to chatting with me.

Let's say this feeling is correct, and that she IS limiting herself when it comes to me. Why would she doe such a thing?

a) She could be cautious, and doesn't want to get herself too emotionally attached to me before she figures out if I'm worth it or not. (Best case scenario, because it means she's sensible).

b) She was repulsed by my fucking shenanigans on the first date, and she doesn't want to deal with me anymore, but she doesn't have the heart to tell me to go the fuck away, but she wants to, so she's passive-aggressively keeping her distance away from me in hopes I'll get bored or something and move on. (Worst case scenario, because it means I lost the game.)

c) Is there even a C? I guess there is. Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything, and she's just busy, and can't answer me back. But I call bullshit on that, because how busy can someone be not to reply back with a "Monday evening is good!" or "I can't for both days." Following this train of thought, if she really liked me back, she would be happy that I extended an invitation for a second date, and she wouldn't hesitate much to give me a confirmation for one of those days. If she is still cautious, and still forming an opinion on me, she'll take her time in responding (maybe), so this could be the case. I guess if she doesn't wanna be with me, she COULD flat out say it, but I don't think it's her style. She could keep on declining dates indefinitely as a passive-aggressive way to tell me to gtfo, which she hasn't done, and hopefully she'll never do. She could just ignore my invites all together as an even more passive aggressive way of telling me to gtfo, which could be what she's doing now.

I'm just thinking about what I could have done wrong. Did I seem too needy? I don't think so. I mean, I don't even text her that often. I always leave big gaps for when I text her (8 hours
Maybe it's not me. Maybe I'm doing everything right, but it's just that she's just too shy and inexperienced with this whole dating thing, and she's playing it cautious. Which is actually what I want, because I don't want some girl who just goes for anyone. I want her to have high standards too, and I want to meet those standards too.

Lol side note, I'm glad I'm like this after I'm grad, cuz srsly, this shit would have affected my marks for suuuuuuure. Can't concentrate or anything.

And also, I think some people have like G8 summits with their best buds when tackling matters of the heart. I use to, but now I want to deal with this one alone... well, more alone than I would have in the past. I can't always rely on others for relationship help. I have to eventually know how to deal with problems myself, so I'll just start that process now.  

Therapy

Been a while since I was active on my blog. Been pretty productive and active lately. Let's see, from the last time I recorded down my life til now, I visited profs and asked em about potential futures of biochem kids, did lots of hiking, badminton, went on an Xcape adventure, and went on an actual date with Ms. Zun. Also picked up some library books and right now I'm trying to learn how to code in Python. Going on another hike tomorrow, and then movies and dinner at Olive Garden. Damn, jam packed, now that I look back on things. It's great! But why am I depressed as fuck? Ah, I remember...

If you've been following my blogs n crap, you'd probably know why. It's about my position in life, my goals, and the big, vast, yawning chasm that's in between the two. Alright, just a warning for the grammar OCD folks out there, my writing is going to get really unstructured, and is just going to be a continuous stream of rambling.

The date didn't go as planned. I did this thing that might have been too much. I basically held Ms. Zun's hand, looked her in the eyes, and told her that she was smart, pretty, nice, and I would love if she'd go on a first date with me. I had a waitress play the soundtrack of The Heirs on my phone as I said the stuff. The song was "Moment" by some dude in 2AM. Ms. Zun luckily didn't run away lol. Looking back, I realized she's super conservative when it comes to those things, and it might have been too much. But we then had a normal conversation, just like we did on Facebook. We had some nice chats, but I guess it could have been better. I wasn't at my A game that day. Plus, I had to eat, so I couldn't really talk. Ms. Zun finished early and I had to play clean up. My mouth was occupied, and thus, I couldn't hold a decent convo without spitting food everywhere. Now I learned my lesson. Screw a meal for the first date. It should be coffee. Learn from me, folks.

Anyway, she is as wonderful as I imagined her to be. She came across as a very demure person. Comes from a wealthy family, grew up fricking sensible, grounded mature, down to earth. Amazing, really. Had all the materials of being those materialistic Chinese girls, but didn't turn out so. Thank the Lord. Anyway, so I have determined that she is definitely worth pursuing, and the TL;DR of a part of our discussion was that she has a very high standard of how she wants to live (lol, I know, seems like it goes against what I  just said moments ago, but she's not into the name brand and stuff like that, I think what she meant was just being able to do things that made her happy, which I'm pretty sure, from judging her character, is not going out and buying a shit tonne of shoes and bags). And that's why she wants to become an Occupational Therapist, because she wants to make the money herself to support her intended lifestyle. Good on her, making her own money instead of relying on a dude for the money.

The thing that bothered me was the fact that my plan didn't work. With my South Western training, I wanted to secure the sale for the 2nd meet up. And for that, I planned on being assumptive, and I handed her my phone and told her to pick a day she wanted to meet up. She handed me back my phone without picking a day, and I don't know what she said next, because my brain froze. I think she said something about que sera sera, and we should just see what happens... I was in shock. What? Southwestern assumptiveness... failing? What kind of world was I living in? I mean, just moments ago the assumptiveness allowed me to hold her hand and say the stuff I needed to say to her... but now it's failing? Does she not want to see me anymore?

My mind went into overdrive, thinking of all the different possible reasons why I failed. And because of that failure, the date overall felt like a failure. I was pretty much in shock all the way home, driving. Cool side note, I saw my very first highway accident / entire highway closure incident. I took pics and vid, and posted em online, but I decided against it, and took it down. Tasteless, to post up pics of other people's misfortunes, even though imo, it's kinda cool to be a first hand witness to something that you always hear on the radio and TV, but never happens to you in real life. So I got out of my car, walked to the scene, took pics, realized there was no way traffic will move soon, so I did a U-turn and drove until I reached a patch of grass that separated the highway from another part of the highway that wasn't blocked. I waited until a pick up truck drove across the grass first before I did it. I didn't want to be the first guy to drive on the grass and get stuck in mud or something, so I let someone else be the guinea pig.

Anyway, so back to Ms. Zun. I might have came on too strongly, so at the end of the "date", I didn't even go for the hug. I just said goodbye and left, decimated, deflated, dejected, and defeated. But I still haven't given up though. I am gonna pursue her until she either tells me straight up to get the fuck outta here, or she becomes my gal. There is no middle ground here. Too bad for her, I got an unwavering determination. I think I'm going to plan to ask her again next week, when things have settled down. Man, and she told me she was playing an Inception song, so I was like, hmmm, that's a good song, maybe I should play it too. I msged her today with a pic of a score I found of Mind Heist, which I included two of the five sheets just for your viewing pleasure.

I asked if her score had the double quadruple Fortes at the end... and she saw the message, and she didn't reply back, even til now, like 8 hours later or w.e. Now I'm thinking... did I creep her out when I wanted to play the same song? I mean, it's a great song right? It's like, if she played Fur Elise, doesn't mean I can't play it too and like it too right? Fur Elise itself is objectively a great piece. But whatever, maybe my interpretations are misconstrued. Crappiest thing is that I triple messaged her without her replying back once, on two separate times. That's pretty much #needy shit right there, but I thought we were elevated beyond the timing thing. I guess I gotta play the timing game again, and not msg her tmrw... or not msg her at all until she messages me back, or until 2 days time... whichever comes first. Sigggghhhhhh.

This is kinda defeatist talk right now, but if I don't manage to pull in this great Marlin, the greatest Marlin i've seen in all of my 23 years of life, it would be a giant loss... but there will also be a gain too. I know that fricking amazing girls do exist, and I am NEVER gonna lower my standards. I realize my standards are obtainable, thanks to Ms. Zun, the living breathing unicorn/marlin.

That was yesterday. Today, my family had a dinner, and we got to talking about money, and I just got so depressed. I do want to make the money to be able to support everyone, but I don't know how. I do want to make the money so later on I can marry a person like Ms. Zun and make sure she's happy. My parents questioned my motive about wanting to get rich. They think I want to drive the Ferrari, and live in a $5 mil mansion. I'm like, no man, I want to give my kids a $40k per year education at the finest schools. I want them to join hockey, ballet, piano, Chinese school, etc, etc. And then they understood my reason. I also told them I wanted to make a dynasty. I want to create an empire. I wanted the wealth of the Xie clan to grow and multiply throughout the generations. I think my parents think I'm crazy now tbh lololol. Whatever. Cool thing is I'm opening up to my parents, and they're opening up to me. Never happened before. Maybe they realize I'm starting to think like an adult? I dunno. Maybe I still think like a kid because I want to be wealthy, but I think my reasons for doing so are sound and logical, so I don't think I think like a kid.

All in all, I still have a will to fight and make something of myself, and so I haven't lost hope yet. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Side note, my mom bothers me. She doesn't appreciate how hard I try in life, it's ridiculous. I haven't even relaxed all semester, and so far this last semester, I got 91%, 92%, and an 83%. Believe me, I tried fucking hard. And now that school's out, I'm relaxing and watching Immortal Songs 2.

It's a show where the biggest singers in the Korean Pop scene battle it out, singing popular oldies. The level of singing is amazing. I particularly enjoyed this song I linked above: "인연", or "Fate". It's very beautiful, and it's about my situation. I think I might have described this song here. So I'm watching this, and my mom comes into my room and is like, "Sigh, you're watching this stuff all the time (not true, not all the time), if only you spent your energy on school instead (which I did, because I got 90%+ for 2 of my courses this past sem). You don't even worry about your future, do you? (Which I absolutely fucking do, hence this entire blog). I don't even bother explaining this to her, it's pointless. She see's me on the computer studying, and she's like, you're always playing games on the computer. Makes me sooooo angry. I haven't even played games heavily since... a year ago? Last time I played was just a short one, The Walking Dead, Season 2 Episode 2. And my mom always says, you need to go out and exercise more! And it's ridiculous, because I've been going to play badminton like twice a week, I got jogging almost everyday since finals was over, I went hiking twice last week and again tomorrow. I mean, this is ridiculous! How the hell am I the black sheep of the family? Well, that's what I feel like. When was the last time I heard praise from her? Nope, can't remember. But she's lucky that I still love her because I recognize her sacrifice for the betterment of my sister and I, so I can't ever hate her. She's lucky that I'm mature enough to see that, no thanks to her. Sigh. I'm letting out so much haha. Thus the title of this post: "Therapy". It does work, trust me. I feel better after letting everything out.

Oh yeah, lastly, before I wrap up. I'm learning how to code Python, and today I made a cute little module that converts percentage to GPA. I followed the formula GPA = (Percentage/20)-1, and I turned my 75.2% average to a GPA of 2.76. I had no idea my GPA was that low. Everything worth applying for needs a GPA of at least 3.5. I am definitely screwed academically. But I don't know if my formula is correct or not. Some people on the internet say that a 4.0 is actually 80% and not 100%. So if we do the second formula, I would get a 3.76, which seems way too high for a 75.2% average... so I think my real GPA is actually 2.76. How depressing.

Anyway, the moral of the story, folks, is that I'm going to continue to try my best in wooing Ms. Zun, and if my best isn't enough, then I'm going to go jump off a bridge and end my life. LOL just kidding! I'd never do that. People who kill themselves are irresponsible, because who's gonna take care of their parents when they get old? I got a duty to serve. That shit is out of the question. What I WAS gonna say was that if my best isn't enough, then that's fine, because I can't control the outcome. I can only control how much effort I put into things, and I should be proud that I pushed myself to give 110% in this endeavor.

I found the mythical Loch Ness Monster!

Metaphorically speaking of course. I didn't actually go to Scottland and find Nessie. But I found something as legendary... let me explain.

Growing up, I have come to meet a lot of girls. And from all my interactions with them, I could safely generalize and group girls based on 3 attributes: Beauty, Intelligence, and Kindess/Maturity. I discovered that basically for girls, it was "choose 2 of the 3 qualities". I've met girls that were kind and smart, but not so pretty. I've met girls who were pretty and kind, but not so intelligent. I've met girls who were smart and pretty, but not so nice. I couldn't seem to find a girl who was all three.
And of course, at this point of my life, I am aiming big. I want everything that the world has to offer. I don't want to settle in terms of finding a girlfriend. I want someone who's smart, pretty, and kind/mature, someone who's also down to earth. My friends, I think I have finally found that someone, and if you've been reading my blog since it's conception of like a little over a week ago, which I wouldn't even know why you'd still be following me since Day 1..., you'll know who this special person is.

Annnnd of course, it's Ms. Zun. I know I seem like I'm obsessed with her, but I don't want to come across like that though. It's kind of like seeing a unicorn. Obviously, if you see a unicorn, you're not gonna keep it to yourself right? You'd be all excited, and you'll tell your friends and family, right? Well, it's sort of the same with Ms. Zun. She's practically a god damn unicorn. She's the fabled "female with a complete quality triforce". She's pretty, smart, funny, kind, mature, and interesting. Now, you must be going, "Convolutionx, it's just that you're young and you don't know anything in life. There are tonnes of girls like that out there in the world, and you just haven't met enough people to meet them yet." Well, it still can't explain how it took me like 23 years to meet someone like this. Well, I guess you can't really count the first 20 years or so. I wasn't mature enough to recognize a unicorn when I see one, and the girls were also immature as well. They were unicorns in the making, but not unicorns just yet.

Anyway, I am really thankful for meeting Ms. Zun, because until then, I knew I wanted someone special, but I had no idea what kind of person that would be like. I didn't really have a measuring stick so to speak. I dated a few (when I say a few, I actually just a very little number, and not a few as in a fair bit) girls, and I had some sort of idea of the levels where girls were at in terms of their overall personality/intelligence/looks, but I still didn't know what the cream of the crop were like. Was I already dating the cream of the crop? Was it wrong to want all three qualities? Were humans inherently imperfect, and that there's no one actually like that? Should I stop being so picky?
Nope, nope, nope, and nope.

Ladies and gentleman, we have a Ms. Zun here, and I finally found someone worth my time to seriously pursue. I don't do things for short term benefits. I don't like wasting time dating around if I know I won't be with them long term. I'm not the type for flings and fwb and all that crap. I want to find myself a nice solid prospect, and stick with em. I finally found an outlet to channel my efforts. I mean, it's a waste right? Like, I want to be the perfect boyfriend. I want to make the effort, but I always didn't have anyone for me to make the effort for. It's like drinking 4 shots of espresso and being locked up in a small white room. It'll drive ya nuts!

TL;DR = There are such creatures called females who are cute, smart, and nice. I found such a rarity. Now I'm gonna throw a Masterball at her xD

GoT: The Game of Texting

I gotta make a complaint about why we play the Game of Texting. Although you might be unfamiliar with the name I assigned to the activity, you'll know darn well what it is once I describe it.
So you get a text (or message on facebook, but I'll just refer to it as "text" as well) from a person you're interested in. How many of you will text back immediately? Probably less than 5% of you. You'd wait at least 10 minutes for some, a couple of hours for others, and even almost an entire day for still others, before you text them back. Why do we do this? I mean, it's become such a habit that it's almost instinctual to wait for a certain amount of time before texting back.

The only thing that I think of for reasons for doing so is that you want to show them you have a life of your own, and they they are playing second fiddle compared with the rest of your life. Maybe this is also your way of showing that you're not needy or clingy. Maybe you'll hope that by delaying the text, the other person would go, "Oh my. The other person didn't text me back for a long time, I wonder if he's busy?"

Which brings me to a second point, which is that a delay of texting can make the person on the other end think about you more. They would wonder why, after several days of straight texting back and forth, you'd suddenly stop texting for a day? And it will drive them crazy wondering why you didn't text back. I must admit I am guilty of that yesterday while texting with Ms. Zun. I texted her in the morning, then I didn't log on Facebook until late at night, of which I saw more of her texts, but I ignored them for the time being until today, which I then texted her in the morning. The reason for doing so is because I was playing the game as well. I am worried that if I am available to talk to her everyday after 9pm, it will become habitual for her, and she won't appreciate my time as much, and take our chats for granted. I don't want that. I want her to wonder about me, so I guess my not texting her back is my way of piquing her curiosity and interest about me. Maybe this is perverted logic, I don't know. I'm just playing by society's rules...

But then why do these "unwritten rules" suddenly disappear when you're texting your friends? If my guy friends text me, I'll text them right back. In the end, they're still my friends, and they don't think any less of me. If you're able to text your friends fine without playing the Game of Texts, then why can't you text the person you like with the same regular way?

I haven't spent enough time to contemplate this theory and to grasp all the subtleties of why we do it. I'll revisit this topic later on when I'm done my exam today.

Apollo, we have liftoff!

Well guys, I did it. I asked Ms. Zun out. I think she agreed to go out with me, though she didn't specifically say that. Here is how I asked her out. Maybe you can learn something from what I did. Maybe there are also things that I could have done better, so feel free to leave a comment about what you think.

 Basically it was during one of our typical lengthy Facebook chats when I asked her out, officially. It stemmed from when Ms. Zun revealed that she put some poor guy in the friendzone for two years, and it was because he wasn't upfront about how he felt about her. So I heard that, and I was like, yo screw this shit. #Yolo

 So I picked an opportune time during the chat to ask her out. Basically, I won't get into the extent nor the entirety of what I said, but I was upfront and confident. I told her that she was pretty, smart, funny, and I haven't met anyone else whom I had such a connection with. I told her that I was dating for 2 years, and I've never found anyone who I could date for more than 2-3 times. I also straight up told her, "Here's the game plan. Well, here's MY gameplan, and you can have whatever game plan you want." I then told her I was planning to take her out on a Foodie Tour, as well as go to the UBC Alumni weekend with the special guests, Adam Savage and Jame Hyneman. Then, I said that actually, there was one girl who I was able to click so much with, and she turned out to be my girlfriend for 3 years.

To diffuse that almost cocky remark that she was going to be my girlfriend, I told her that I wasn't telling her what to do. If during the first date she decides she doesn't like me and wants to pour a beverage over my head, she's free to do that. I'd even bring her a drink menu, help her pick the best beverage, and I'll even pay for it in the end. See, I showed confidence, and I plainly told her what I expect and what I want, but I negative sold it with the part about giving her freedom to dump drinks on my head. However, I did not give the choice of not even going on a first date with me. That would be disastrous for me.

 What did she say? She said I was very blunt about it, but she prefers it WAY (yes, all caps) more than if she had to guess, because she never would be able to. She also said I was pretty special too, and veeeery (that's right, 4 e's. It's legit) few guys are like me. (I set a good impression =D). Lastly, she said she has tonnes of random cravings, and things she wants to do/watch, "but guys who can also do some planning...thank you jesus." So I guess that's a yes.

We haven't set a specific time yet though, because we both have finals, and speaking of finals, I have to get studying again, but I just want to record what happened for posterity. I'm looking forward to the first date, and I have something up my sleeve, if executed right, will propel me light years from the boundaries of the friend zone. Wanna know what it is? Stick around for my next post =P

On motivation. What motivates me?

Let's start off with a quote from Harvey Specter:


Motivation is a very personal thing. There is no absolute one thing that is guaranteed to motivate everyone. However, there are some main areas in which many people are motivated by, and I think the things that motivate me are pretty ordinary, and should be motivation for many others as well.

A recent revelation of mine is that you don't exactly know when you'll meet your future partner. You could bump into her in a grocery store tomorrow, or she could message you after coming back on a dating website after a 2 year hiatus. Maybe you'll bump into her in a Starbucks in a Chapters bookstore. And when you do bump into her, you only have one chance to make the best impression you can. After that moment passes, if you weren't ready, you'll blow your only shot, and you'll never be with whom you were initially meant to be. If you don't immediately make her interested in you as a potential candidate, then sure, you could work your way into being friends with her, but then you'll just have your work cut out for you.

Let's take a pause. What do I mean by "not being ready"? Your future partner obviously doesn't want to date a fuck up, and wants to date someone successful and have their shit together. Your future partner wants to date you when you are at your best, and if you are not at your best, then you aren't ready for your future partner. You may be able to date girls when you're at your best, but secretly deep down, you know that special girl you always longed for is the one who's pretty, and smart, and kind, and gentle. You're gonna have to be on top of your game when you meet her to even get a chance to date her.

So for me, I am motivated to be at my best, 24/7 preferably, because I will never know if out of the blue, I'll meet The One. When I meet her, I need to be in top physical shape, my mind has to be at its sharpest, and I would have to be working in a stable and at least decently paying job. I just really hope that if I meet her prematurely before I'm ready, I'll still be able to make it work; I'll still be able to be with her, and have her wait for me to get my shit together. For the mean time, I hope my efforts and dedication to make something of myself down the road will be enough to temporarily attract The One long enough for me to complete my journey, or at least to be well on the way in my journey to success.

Another motivation for me to be at my best, and to want the best, is the fact that I have one life. We all got one shot in life to make the best of what we've got. We can't restart if we mess up. So at every moment of your life, you have to always make the best decisions. And since you only have one life, then might as well go big, right? You won't have another life to live it big. You won't have another life to experience what this world has to offer. So since you're here, you really should experience as much as you can before you die. That's why I want everything. I want to experience everything this world has to offer before I die, and that takes resources, mainly money, so it's a big motivation for me to make money.

On a related note, I also want my kids and my wife to have the best experience that life has to offer, so another motivation for me to make mad money is for my future family. I want my kids to have a start in life I never had. I don't want them to grow up in an intercity area, going to an intercity high school. I want them to receive the best education this planet has to offer. I also want my wife to live a life of comfort. I am hesitant to say a life of luxury, because I don't believe in luxury. I define luxury as having in your possession expensive material goods, like $14,000 hand bags and $200k cars. One doesn't need luxury to be happy, and certainly my girl wouldn't be one of those types of girls who chase after that crap. But I would still like to treat her out to experiences. IE: Dining at the best restaurants, going to exotic places, etc.

Lastly, my parents are my final motivation. I have mentioned this in my other posts, but my parents work 14 hour days in their restaurant, and it's been 8 years of them doing so. They're dying physically for my sister and my sake, putting us through school and life in general. Their efforts must be repaid. I want to provide them with a worry free retirement. It's the least I can do after their sacrifice. Again, it would require me to make money.

I have the lives of my parents, my wife, and my kids on my shoulders. If I fail, I'll be failing everyone, so failing is not an option. I have a burning desire to win, and I can't live a life of mediocrity if I want to win at life. Sometimes I'll have days where I don't feel like doing shit. I just wanna sit back and be lazy. But I think about all the stuff I want, and my want powers me. Lately, it's thoughts of Ms. Zun that powers me through life. I really need to be at my A game in order to date someone like her, and I'm afraid while I can put on the bravado of having an A game life, I don't have an A game life. I have an A game attitude, and that's all I have. And girls may date guys with an A game attitude, but if that A game attitude doesn't translate to an A game life, then it's harder to keep them with you. And if you truly loved her, would you want her to be with you, living in a B game or C game life, when there are other guys who can provide her with an A game life, and who cares about her just as much as you? I'd be like, "Yo, that guy's richer, he can provide you with more comforts. He is also as thoughtful and loving as me. You should be with that guy instead of me, because although I love you, and I personally want to be with you, it is because I love you that I want you to have the best life possible. I believe the best life possible for you is not with me, but with that guy instead."

I don't want to have to say that line though. I want to be able to say, "Yo, I love you as much as that other guy. I'm also just as thoughtful. I also am living an A game life, while he's only living a C game life. I've got my shit in order, and I'm prepared to care for you way better than the other guy."